Tired!!!

So to say the least this past weekend has caused me to go into the zombie mode.

I mean I don't sleep much .. but then to add on this extra exercise .. it feels like I got hit by a bus!

I'm amazed that I used to be able to run as far as I could before these past couple years. And not feeling any of the consequences of it either. Now it's like I don't even want to walk up the stairs because it makes me tired.

Then to go further because I am so exhausted, I have no more effort to put into anything for that matter. I just either want to sleep or just sit like on the couch because I can't waste my energy. Lack of I guess is more like it.

Positive note, is I haven't weighed myself since last week (in which I had dropped in weight again) Which okay, it doesn't make sense maybe to many but it's like I have to get back down to what I was before I can start again. And I know rationally wise all I'm going to do then is when I start to gain again think I need to start over .. well Ed will be telling me that one.

I keep making these 'deadlines'. Like On Monday I'll start again. And Monday comes and I panic. Well actually all Sunday night and Monday morning that is all I can think about is should I should I not .. should I wait til Tuesday, should I just wait til Friday.

And even the times that I have done well .. it's a constant battle. Every minute every second Ed is so strong and right by my side trying to convince me of what to do. And usually I can only defeat him for a couple days (at best it was a week) but he has this way. I'll eat a meal. And I'll try to keep it small so that I don't panic but then some how he will tell me I'm still hungry and I'll try to fight that off as long as I can or to eat something that is in my comfort .. something I'm alright with eating, but like I said he will always after a few days convince me that I've already ate too much so that I need to purge and get rid as of much of anything that I can.

It makes no sense, well cept that it does for me.

Well, after this weekend and all the crap that I am having to deal with I just don't have a drive to fight. I'm hoping that I can somehow find it again.