YOUR NOT BEING RATIONAL

=(

God I hurt so bad. and here comes ed in.. don't cry.. back up ..breath, and your going to be fine. Just keep it up you'll do it your fine.

Your all over the place. you are you are. Your on fire mode ever since I got home. That's what I get to hear from my husband. Who I thought was behind me 100%. The one who keeps telling me that he has my back but yet still continues to put me down just about at least once a week. Ya that makes me feel good and wanting to change.

Ed's the only one that 'has my back'.

Frustration

My frustration goes on all lengths..

It could be as simple as an idiot that doesn't know how to turn on their blinker to turn in or into another lane. Could be person who ask rude to me when I say excuse me and am trying to be polite and respectful.

Could just be my kids being loud laughing. That one really gets me.. the loud. There is something that even though I'm trying to see their fun and just smiles .. that the louder it gets the more my skin burns. And I don't like that! My life might be screwed up but I don't want theirs to be because of me. That's the worst thought in the world!

I hate and yes Hate.. I know it's a strong word but what has happened here?? People don't care anymore. It's just how much more I have and what are you in my space for .. I should have gotten that, Not you! How much more I can show on how GREAT of a life I have then you and your just like this little bug.. what are you here for??

I am here because there is a real good reason for it. I believe that. I believe that all of us with Ed have such a kind heart. We hurt so much so it is very easy to put up that wall .. I still have mine up! I can't let it go. So many have and continue to hurt me that I need that wall to protect me. And that alone is frustrating.

I don't deal with frustration. Frustration to me means hurt and angry and sadness. Fits me to the T but I don't like it and I don't like to confront it. Seems every time I try to push out of it and just live and be okay something happens that I have to go back to hurt/anger/SAD.

Tonight I wanted to play cards with the kids and Tom. The other week we started doing this and it makes me feel so calm and relaxed and just Smile. It's like the one thing I have. Last weekend we had a friend of Brayds stay over and it was SO much fun!! Felt really good. So now I just want to play when the kids don't have school the next day. I want to teach them so much. I want to give them something that they can carry on to teach their children. A tradition:) And of course tonight Tom doesn't want to .. so I just feel hurt and like 'it's just a dumb game' type of feeling. Like it put me down. I'm stupid. So then I get so upset. My wall, my ed comes in.

He makes sure I don't cry .. I go to my own world. I can let them see I'm mad.. but not hurt nor bothered in that way.

And I hold onto that.. can't let go of it. Specially when I told Tom how wonderful it made me feel.. how great it was to share with Braydens friend and how happy his friend was. That it was like I just gave you apart of me and you enjoyed it. I was proud. I was very happy. Made me feel not so stupid but just happy. like I was happy.

People can take that away from me in a heartbeat. Most probably don't even know they are doing that but it's so easy! I know it's my life and I shouldn't blame others and I really am not.. I'm just saying that I don't have control of me so others can control me very easily. What they say will hurt and piss me off. I'll know it's wrong and think what or how I handled it was right but it'll still eat at me that I just shouldn't have done that.

Well I'm going to end this journal for now. My frustrations are high and big .. a lot! Just hope some day I can overcome letting others "get" to me.

Quirks.. what's wrong with them?? I love them!

I LOVE IT!

It makes me ME. I don't do things right .. I don't necessarily do them wrong. At least I believe you don't get that say.. God does .. not anyone else!




I do things in that moment that I thought with the first thought was how I felt. It's how I felt. Sorry .. no not sorry. I don't need to apologize for me being me. Specially when I TRY so hard to make sure that I don't say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. To drive the wrong way. I feel like I am constantly trying to make sure that I don't do wrong by you (you meaning everyone and anyone!)

So I want to put pics on here of me in my 'weird'. How when I look at them it brings me joy but I always question what others think which I really need to Stop doing!
































The only problem that I have with me.. is that others have a problem with me. It makes me sad when I'm just trying my hardest to just laugh and smile and having someone keep pushing me down.

And right now it's more of looking back. I know past is the past you can't change it there's nothing to do about it. But I can't let go right now. I want to know why and what I did .. just why!




This has got to be one of my favorite pictures. It's just a memory first that I will never let go. Looking at the fireworks is one of my favorite things in life.
There's something about that silence to hear this boom that just makes me feel .. something I can't describe .. it's amazing! So the pic with Tom and I is just something no one could ever take away from me. Laying there looking up at the night and seeing these beautiful colors. I just wished people could see the dark in my but the sparks that come out. That I have something in me. That I'm not just a bitch! That I do love people ya I get upset I get mad I get hurt .. but if you need me if you are there for me .. I'll never walk away!

I'm quirky .. I love saying I'm quirky! I don't say the right things I don't do the right things.. but that's what I'm taking with my quirkiness.

If you don't want to be there for me .. with me.. WALK AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't need you! I am me and I'm tired of trying to be something for you.

I love to dance and sing and do stupid child activities but that's what I love .. so screw off if you don't like it cause you can find someone else!

=)

Music

So today I'm writing in my journal..

And I realize something that makes me smile and just BE.






There is something about the sounds that just lift me up. Something that makes me smile. Well some songs of course..
others make me cry and I love them just as much as I love the ones that make me want to get up and Dance! There is nothing more that I could ask then to just be free and be weird and wild and dance. Or the way that music impounds me.




I know Impound?! Impound that word.. but it's what I felt.


Music traps me. And I love that feeling. It surrounds me .. it wraps me up into everything. Being happy, being sad, being mad, angry, frustrated.I get it all just a release by hearing it. I don't have to say a word because the words in the song say everything for me. So I just get to sit and listen and breath. I get to have everything released for me from the song. No matter what I'm feeling I get it.. I feel it and I love it!




It takes me away. It takes me to this amazing place. Where like if you were to be sitting on the beach.. just feeling that breeze and just sitting back letting life have it's beautiful moments.

Now don't get me wrong I don't believe in this whole I deserve everything without working for it. I work for it. I have worked for it. I've worked just for a life that I deserve to live in.

I don't need money. I don't need gifts. I just want and desire for someone to be behind me. For once to say that ...

My whole point of music is that it gets me and it hits hard with me .. I connect with it more then anything else. I can't wait to start playing again. I want to start playing again. I want to hear just me and me alone and know that I'm alone because others will judge whether I'm good enough or not..

So music basically means a lot to me. It gives me a lot. ....

IDK

Yep .. hah

I always try to laugh when I feel I guess uncomfortable .. !!?

It's easy for me to put on that smile and pretend.

Mom taught me well on pretending! I hate pretending .. Ed is pretending!

It's crappy enough that I had to pretend for Ed... but then to pretend for 'me'. I hate it!

I looked at some older pictures yesterday and it put me back.. I don't exactly know why. I mean I was with Ed then. Just I guess, it's the fact that now I feel all the hurt where then I was putting on that smile .. the front. Where now I feel everything and I keep wanting and trying to smile but I am just really sad. And stuck.

I remember when I was little.. about 4.. we lived in the country and we had a little damn that we'd go swimming in. I can't believe I ever did that.. specially cause there were snakes in there that you'd feel go by your legs and I'm surprised I didn't ever just scream when that happened, but for some reason it was just something that was. And I was okay with it .. then Definetly not now:) haha. But the one time I tried to come out and there was like probably close to 5 ft of mud. Well I got stuck. My feet and about half way up my calves were in the mud. I couldn't move! My dad had to get the tractor and lower down the bucket to then pull me out. He saved me=) He pulled me out. I can't but smile when I say that. He pulled me out. It was someone there .. when I'm looking back now it's just I wished I had someone to pull me out now.

That tractor was the best too. I don't know how old it was or anything. It was red, and the seat was so uncomfortable. It was one of those that like had the middle part that rose up to have like 'two check sides' is how I always thought of it. lol Dad used to let me drive it. It was fun to learn how to drive a tractor. And it was open cab. So in the summer it was .. oh it was just beautiful. Nice and toasty is what I always say. But the sun out and the sky just so blue .. with nothing around. Just the sound of that tractor..

The other tractor that he had for the winter. Oh that was the best. He'd tie up the sled to the hitch and then would go and it was Bobby, Kim and I on the sled and dad would go faster and then slower and we'd have to duck cause we were going to go under the tractor. Funny how now-a-days people would freak out of that. But that was the funnest thing. I so loved those winter days on the farm.

So back to Ed. IDK! I hate him and love him .. I'm just sad. And usually mad comes out then cause Ed does a good job at being my wall of defense. I am just sad.

My husband

I meet my husband when I was 23. I remember him walking into the hotel where my friend was having her reception for graduating from college.

He was wearing khaki pants, a blue sweater and his baseball hat.. God he was so adorable. I mean he still is to me but he really took me away in that moment. I remember going to my friends (fiances at the time) his room.. and just ya.. :)

We met up later on that night at the bar and from then on.. he was with me. With me. With every part of me. Wow....

I told him about Ed within the first week that we were together.. I don't know why he's stayed!

I mean don't get me wrong he's done things wrong to me.. he hasn't done what I feel a Man should do but he is trying to make it better.. and I guess I can't critize that because I'm trying to make me better so how do I something about another in the same aspect. I just shouldn't!

We got married almost a yr and half after we met.

It was a weird day. Like if you believe in superstition things.. well.. my dress ripping not once but twice and then my rose falling off my bouquet. My family having .. no not my family .. my mother. Why she would act like that on my wedding day was ridiculous. But is what it is ..

But on another note.. he gets me one way or another.... =).. he completely gets me.. or at least he's willing to 'deal' with me. That means a lot!! A LOT!

I'm always all over the place. I'm up and down I'm happy and then I'm crying and he's just always there. Ya we fight he gets upset but who wouldn't?? How could you deal with the crap that I deal?? So it's hard when it happens and in that moment but afterwards I completely understand where he is coming from.

One thing I can say is I took my vows .. Vows are HUGE to me.. they are not just words they are promising and promising mean that you NEED to put everything into it! You need to constantly work at it. It's not just this simple thing of 'words' .. words are words! Actions now they are different! And I believe and go by my vows being actions.

I have a honestly wonderful family.. I have three boys that I wouldn't trade in for the world.
I would throw myself in front of anything for them just so that they had a life that they'd be okay with. I have a beautiful family..


























I couldn't ask for more for me.. Except to leave Ed at the curb. But he's just there with me and I can't let go of that grip. I'm trying.. trying- ish.. It's hard.

But I am glad that I have Tom there.. ya there are definitely times that he does/says things that just hurt and hit hard but I'm know starting to believe that he's 'there' for me. That I have someone behind me. Someone.. It means a lot too.


It's what gives me hope. Us .. It's like it's something other then Ed and me .. it's starting to be Tom and me. As ridiculous as that sounds that's what goes in my mind. I am having a hard time letting go but it's nice to know that maybe .. perhaps.. someone else cares for me just as much and will back me up like that.

Well that is my husband. He's an ass .. quite a bit:) But I'm sure I'm not the sweetest haha! I love him. I really do love him and would do as much as it could take for us to both be happy with one another. He makes me laugh he makes me smile and I'm so glad that we met. Love you!

Gental

Why is it so hard for us to be nice to US??

Why do we constantly have to put everyone else before US?

For me I know a lot of people think that I was just a bitch. But that was my wall .. that was my ed.. that was my protection so that you couldn't get in and hurt me. And still can't get in.

I look at blowing bubbles and see how careful and thoughtful and calm you have to be with it.. It's amazing how something that you don't even realize in life you can relate to. That my bubble it might burst... it might not if I take care of it. If I just protect it. And I have to start protecting me.

I love this pictures of Zaelur.. he's like so patient so relaxed and proud at the same time. It's hard to explain why a simple picture would express so many different things. It's like you can see in his hand how careful he's being. Like it's glass that if the slightest slip will break.

At times that's where I am. I do well and then that glass falls and I slip and I'm back to where I'm confident in. Which is ed. Ed makes me feel strong and confident. He's so great at it too! Like there's no one else that can make me feel so wonderful and so proud of myself other then ed .. at least for right now .. I hope so anyways because I really don't want this life to continue on ...

I want better I want more for me and for my family!

I feel somewhat lost.. haha that's a joke. I AM LOST! I am having such a confusing hard time letting go of ED. It's really hard when others say things. I don't know why I allow others words to affect me and get in to decide whether or not I'll be with ED today or not.. but I do. That's all I can say. All I know is that's what I do. So I like these two pictures.. One is Brayden.. and he's going the wrong way :)

And it's a simple game right?? It's a game that you just don't think about anything more than pinning the tail on the donkey type if thing.. I can't quite remember if it's was a donkey or not.. my point being tho.. is that Brayden was walking the wrong way and had everyone around him.. and here me.. :)

I have two of my sons behind me.. BEHIND ME! That might now mean much for others .. but for me.. it's A LOT! It's a feeling that can't be described and unless you know and been there you have no idea!

Ya it's just a blindfolded game.. but it's my life at the sametime. My life is a blindfolded game. I don't know where or why I do what I do .. I just do it. And I don't know how to change. I'm stuck. Haha I actually wrote suck which would also be right.

Anyways.. on another note.. :) .. this is what I love!



I don't know why I feel such freedom when I see this. Maybe because Ed is the divingboard and I want to just jump and feel that happiness of jumping.. There's something about the picture and it's not just because it's Kyler:) hehe. But there's more to it! There's something in there. Something in me.. that really just want's to feel that joy of pure. Pure is amazing. I do remember it when I was little.. I want it again. And I don't think it's much to ask for.

So I keep on praying .. God gave me everything and I need to start being more thankful and giving them a life they deserve. With me in it! Hopefully I can start to continue keeping it up.. I hate my good days but I need to find something to 'hold' me to those good days. Because I really REALLY don't want my kids to put me in the ground knowing about ED. Maybe they already know of ED .. maybe they don't ?!?! I just don't want them to go on with their life knowing mom had ED and that's what happened to take her life!

I don't mean to go from going on a high note to a down one.. just kind of can't help it right now. I am trying so hard to just be okay and happy and ... I'm not .. I'm really sad and hurt and mad. Mad is easy so mad is usually the first emotion that I feel!

I don't want to live like this! I want to be able to sit down as a family for a meal and not have to go to the bathroom afterwards.. I want to be 'normal'.

But this is my only control! Everyone took my control away!! If you don't have Ed and are reading this .. Don't do that! And if you know someone who has ed understand someone took all .. everything ... scraped it.. and ED came in. It was the only thing that made me. The bad part right now is

I'm proud of what Ed has done. He's created something that I've desired. But where from now?? How to do I continue on??

Anyways.. another day.. I'm trying to be gental with myself.. I'm trying to give myself some type of leniency.. but it's not really working either. Just another day another day..

Surprising.. No I don't think so..

I can't let go.. I can't let ED go! We are thick as thieves..

I don't know what to do anymore. Monday was a 'great' day according to what your supposed to do. I ate 3 meals and had 2 snacks.. couldn't do my last snack which was just an apple.. but still couldn't do it!And all I really wanted to do was eat something and purge.

I'm not sure what I get from purging or from eating but I get a reward in my own head that I just like.. no I love it. It feels some reason good. Like I accomplished something right in my life... I don't know how to explain it sometimes. It's just something that I feel inside of me and think. Obviously corrupted but it's there unfortunately .. for me and my family!

I don't think my mom has yet recognized how bad it is. She I think I mentioned when I was 17 I confronted her about Ed and she responded with "I know". Why she said that I'll never know. I like to believe she did that just out of spite.. having to be 'right'. Acting like she knows everything. Really just being a Bitch! I give that to her. I try to find that she was acting in a wrong mannor that was then okay for her to behave the way she did. But finally what almost 14 yrs later I come out and say it again. And again she avoids it. She basically tells me that it's simple. Just eat. Haha.. just eat.. that's a good one .. and keep it down ?!?! Ya haha funny.

When I've been living my life day in day out this way you think it's that simple?? Really? It's not! I don't even know at 17 if I could have quit without some type of help.

It's funny how everyone thinks it's just simply about food. If it was only that simple then I guess I wouldn't have a problem then would I ??!! Why is it that no one can't ever see the underlining of the problem?? Why is it that it always comes back to me? I mean I know that I have the control but don't you get that .. I have the control! It's the ONE thing I absolutely have control over! The only thing! Everyone and everything can do what they want and treat me in a way that they want but with food I control it and I control what goes in and comes out. And that's sad to say but it's the truth.

What sucks about my mom is that a couple years back I brought up some issues with my dad that she had said. I don't need to go into all that .. but it was rude and irresponsible and selfish on her part. I will never accept what was said or how it was said. I will accept that she was stressed and just overwhelmed but that other shit nope.. not a chance! We got into it.. and I remember saying to myself don't go to her level bring yourself back. That was ED. Ed told me not to be that person to be BIGGER. To be stronger and prove to her and everyone else that I was able to be a 'better' person. When in all actualality I wanted to go punch her in the face! Oh that would have felt so good.. sorry to say but it would have! I mean she constantly always yelled at me .. to wake up or do this and still does.. and it's just like you know what I'm a grown F*cking woman leave me alone!

Like specially this last visit. I was worried cause I was trying to actually fight Ed. And I was doing well before I went. And I thought I'll buy food so then I can cook .. one then it's what I cook. Two she's busy won't have to worry. Three it'll be nice to have the family all together for dinner. And all I got was negativity. People saying this remarks.. like one for instance is that I cooked Chicken Alfredo (which I make the sauce myself) but the noodles I put under cold water instead of butter because that's just then less calories that I allow myself to think about. I get critized for that. Not just by my mom don't be mistaken but by others in my family.. and it's just kind of like well if you'd like to cook something else there's the fricking stove and what not! Like I didn't get a thank you for cooking for all of us.. And it's not like I needed a THANK YOU but I did just need a nothing. I didn't need to hear this or that.. then don't eat it.. find yourself something else! I mean my GOD you already know that I have ED cause it's already gone around the family .. can't you be a little?? A little bit more watching your words around me?? Is that so much to ask for? I guess so..

Well I don't know what to do or where to go from here.. I constantly feel in a matter that I'm being controlled and have no say so then that's when Ed usually steps in. I'm not sure how to move forward or what to think/do...

Ed

Last night was trying..

I finally summed up ed in my own way.. what he is to me. And that was scary. I'm not sure it helped but allowed me to recognize when he's there.

Ed is my supporter.

Ed is my barrier.

Ed is my protector.

Ed is my friend and family.

Ed is someone that makes me breathe and relaxes in my own mind.

Ed is .. well he makes me smile.

He made me.. he created this.. without him ?!?! I don't know where I would be or what I would be.. how much more of less I'd be happy.. and it sucks to feel that way all in the same.. but also sucks to think what I'd be without.

Fun of life right?!

My Stomach UCK!

So Ed's control with me.. I mean there's many points but his main objective is my stomach. Ya I know disgusting .. feel the same way!

And it's not just the stretch marks.. I mean that's from Brayden. Lordy that child!! I was 8 months pregnant and everyone just thought I had put on weight didn't know I was pregnant. And seriously one day I woke up and couldn't see my feet anymore.. the little crapper turned in my stomach and everything was far out. Thanks Brayd:)

Anyways.. Ed has the control on my stomach. Big control .. that's all I see! I mean right now I actually HATE how my knees feel when they touch.. it hurts! And then my arms are getting too skinny for me I can feel my bones and I hate hate hate it! I don't want to feel my bones but at that same moment.. I don't want to gain all that weight.

So my stomach controls a lot of my day and why I'm not sure.. how to get by it .. I don't know yet. I'm lost! I've been lost!


That is just too much for me! That I hate. I can't stand it.. can't can't!!! And that's without me sucking in cause:) Usually I try. I managed that very well growing up .. always sucking in. Even when I sat. Well unfortunately my children ya you haven't helped lol. Not obviously funny .. but that's how I protect myself. Love to laugh! I want to laugh tho because I want to be happy.. actually happy!

I know I can't ALWAYS be happy but I want to enjoy just the little things. I don't want much I don't think asking for happiness is much I just want to smile without a tear hiding behind waiting to come out.

So today I went to lunch with a friend. Lunch .. ya hah:) and it went Great! It was nice to talk with someone. And I don't think anyone understands that I'm not hiding anything anymore. It's hard to say somethings but you ask and I'll be sure to tell. Just might be hard to figure the right way to say it or to help understand it.

Anyways.. I might have posted this somewhere on my other blog but I ran a crossed it and I just have to post it again..or maybe just now I don't know.


This to me is my journey. You can't see far ahead .. but your walking next to beauty. God's beauty.. not knowing what holds that next step but in that moment it's .. there's no word for it.. it just is!! Something wonderful that you have to just keep your head up and continue to cry but wipe those tears knowing that something behind that fog can be something so wonderful:)

My thinking..

Some people understand me.. others not so much. Does that mean I'm wrong??

What just because I didn't express myself the right way.. put on that fake crapy smile. I want to smile cause I'm in love with what is going on around me and not just "trying" to put on a show.

Who's Got My Back??

Well for the last 17 yrs .. that'd be Ed. And he's been so good at it! As long as I listen to him he continues to tell me how beautiful I am. I believe him too. I look in the mirror and see what he does and say oh I'm pretty cause of this or that. Or at least I think that's him.. could be me trying to push thru and telling him to shut up!

Right now I'm struggling hard! I just have a whole lot of sad thoughts going thru.. feeling alone.

Volleyball

That force ..that power I had when I hit the ball. Being up in the air being on top of the world. Forcing something down. And as soon as I hit it .. it was joy.

Or stopping it! Blocking it!That was probably my best capability!! There was nothing more that I got as soon as that ball hit my hands or arms .. specially arms cause that meant that I jumped that much higher. I did that much better!

So then here comes my sap story.. I wanted to go to Minnesota for college.. they hadn't even looked at me. I had offers around South Dakota, Wyoming and North Dakota.. but Minnesota was where I wanted to go. I wanted it desperately. Not sure why:) haha haha cold ya now I can't even think of it. But that's where I wanted. And I was going to try out .. no offers no scholarships .. it was going to be if I could do it. TO prove that I could. But no we have to go to Spearfish and then were supposed to go to Cheyenne but never got to... My mom said if you want us to pay for anything you sign now! I had to sign in Spearfish. If not.. no money! Who at the age of 18 wouldn't of done that?!?! If you would have I respect you so much more!!

Anyways.. vball.. apparently stories followed me. Stories that were not true! I'm seriously on that!!!! So the one year at state apparently I stated that I was better then this senior (I'm a freshman) Apparently I said "I can do that!" I can't see that I didn't say that necessarily either.. I would have said it tho in a whole different way. I would have stated that as oh ya I can do that.. and laughing .. christ sakes I was cheering her on!!! If I honestly thought that she was sh*t I wouldn't be clapping and yelling for her!! Anyways.. a girl .. funny as it is that never got to play .. pretty sure I played as a freshman before she got to play as a senior but anyways that's being a b*tch.. she tells everyone. That was when I was 14. And that lead up to when I was 18?? That's not right!! Specially in college! The girl that told everyone wasn't even the same one.. so why?? What was your purpose?? Are you threatened by me?? What is it?? I don't know .. never will. Just don't know why you have to treat someone else that way. And why I shouldn't have just said that's shit. ..

Oh.. here hah This is the reason I found out that it was said.. In computer class and my basketball coach also taught the class .. we were watching a game hehe I just realized how funny that sounds but sometimes we watch our games in computer class.. anyways .. he tells me ya when I told the seniors (when I was a sophomore) that he was going to pull me to varsity they brought up this whole thing.. it was like really what?!?! A definitely an empact!

Just didn't make any sense to me!! I didn't mean or intent any of what I 'might' have said in a bad way. What's funny too is that year .. my freshman year that senior pulled me aside to tell me that I was going to be a starter on varsity for vball. I can remember exactly where we were. Ridiculous that you labeled me in a way that wasn't ever needed. I actually spoke with this person again when I was 19 and I apologized for whatever was said and that it wasn't intended the way that it was told to be a crossed. She accepted it and things are fine between us.. but still it ruin my first year of college!!! I think I'm more mad at myself for allowing them to ruin it!