I have no idea

I wake up in the morning lately feeling like dog poop. Or that I got hit by a truck. I've actually been sleeping.. well somewhat.. better then before. But all I want is to continue to sleep.

In the mornings I feel like CRAP! I don't want to get out of bed, and I'm so sore. It's like every muscle and bone in my body is just aching. And I'm congested, which I'm not sick. Or maybe I am and just on the start of it. Or it could be because I wasn't sleeping the past few weeks.

So to lead into Ed. It's a very easy discussion with him right now. Well has been.

But here's a bit of a discussion. Last Friday it was:
Me: I'm going to do it. Sit down make your meal plan you got this .. Start on Monday!
Ed: Hell no, what are you thinking.
Me: I need to do this! I'm going to do this!
Ed: Okay you try.. hah

Saturday it was
Me: Okay two more days, you got this you'll get it!
Ed: MMHMM.. Keeping thinking that
Me: Whatever

Sunday
Ed: Well todays going to be fun
Me: Christ I know
then..
Ed: haha you can't eat.. that's great
Me: well I'm starting tomorrow so it's okay

Sunday Night: (well some know the story.. and I won't tell who doesn't know.. sorry)
Ed: Look you can't do it now
Me: I can't ..

That's how easy it is for me to give into Ed. Someone else decides my mood and behavior and I'm in with Ed. And I shouldn't say that they decide it, but I allow them to change it instead of just being okay with me and what I'm doing.

So to say the least Ed and I are still as one. =/

???????????

I had it all planned out. Or ed did.. who knows at this point anymore.

I was going to be able to come on here and put on this post of I'm doing it again.. I'm fighting against Ed again. And I had it all planned. I knew exactly what was going to go on.

But isn't that the problem (not saying that I'm not giving into Ed today, because I am). I'm really upset .. =/ I'm not angry .. really I'm not! I'm just hurt.

So a ways back when.. haha if I'm not old:) my mother said I tend to date guys who have 'problems' .. like that I was to fix them. I did see that they had baggage .. but so did I, so :)

Now, I'm starting to look at it differently. Well at least right now. I'm questioning why or what it is.

This morning and I could be absolutely wrong. That's always a possibility and tends to seem to be in my world. Or at least I'm told that ways anyways.

However, I was thinking of it and this thought came to me. I maybe seek out these 'guys' that 'need help' .. that come with baggage. And I guess the way I was perhaps thinking was that someway one way or another, they'd be supportive of me. They'd see the shit that they went thru as well and want to I guess support one another.

Instead it's almost this tif for taf.

I come with everything I have.. because I don't want to give up. I don't want to give in. I don't want to be that person again. Even though slowly I am becoming that person.

I keep trying to tell myself who I am.. reassuring myself who I know what person I actually am on the inside. Sucks having or at least feeling like I have everyone tearing me apart slowly in pieces and not knowing what to do and how to love me if everyone seems to just hate the person that I am.

I'm lost at this point. Completely Lost!

Tomorrow

So I mentioned it before in another blog that you always go tomorrow I'll do it or I'll do it this day.

I honestly usually have to do that. It's like I have to prep myself so that I can handle it.

Well, I've been shooting for Monday. For a couple reasons, one is I have my t appt on Friday in which I'm going to have to tell her that I haven't been even trying to control Ed. Two I have my doctors appt, in which I'll have to be honest again:) yay.. and three is I have my class on Sunday so I don't want to be acting like a fool. And yet I feel if I'm not in my Ed I'll be acting like a fool.

But, now I'm not sure what I'm going to do. See with me if something happens I usually revert into Ed even deeper. My something was just another fight with my husband. I really don't even understand it.. how or what it happened. All I do know is that I really had nothing to do with it. For some reason he got upset and took it out on me.

What pissed me off more was of course the next day he was like what did you do? You had to of done something for me to get all upset. Umm.. NO! I just said ya got the memo .. It's ALL MY FAULT! I had to of done something .. got it!

So where does that leave me?

It's easy .. No nm it's not easy. With a normal week it would be an easy decision. This week. I'm not sure anymore. I definitely know it's easy for today. I know I'll stay with Ed one more day. I already planned that. Tomorrow is going to be the hardest day. Because I know I'll want to stay with Ed but I will also want to give up Ed so that I can get healthy and better and be able to function again.

Like I do give Ed way to much power. I allow him to be there when things go wrong. It doesn't even matter what it is .. it could be the simplest thing that goes wrong and Hello Ed:) Your always my fall guy.

Hopefully tomorrow .. hopefully.

Panic

So I'm starting to panic.. not only because of Ed but because of Ed it has brought me some 'true' friends. The ones that you know no matter what they are told they are not going to judge you and they are going to stand next to you 100%.

Well one of those friends I haven't been able to get in touch with for a couple days. The first day I was just like you know don't go over the top and beyond she's probably just busy. Just like I was during the weekend when I could talk with her. So I really didn't realize everything she was going threw. Which I felt bad because I wished she would have texted me or something.. but I know what she thought.. I'm not going to bother her she's busy. I know it.. I get it..

It's kinda the same way I feel right now. I'm praying and hoping that she's just busy.. doing something and can't talk. But I am worried.

I just don't know what's going on and that worries me. I found this person who actually gets me and laughs with me. Who can get me to smile when I'm upset .. and I'm just not ready to be okay with ..

I've had friends before and it's just not the same. This girl gets me and seems to understand exactly when I say things. I don't have to explain.

And I don't know if it's Ed that makes me go to the worse possible thoughts or what but I am just praying that I am overreacting and everything is fine with her and she's just busy.

I feel like I'm a paranoid idiot. IDk... I don't know what to think..

I just dont know anymore

Okay.. I started my fight back in like early June. After 17 yrs of living this way.. I finally started to figure out things. And it's even more frustrating..

I lived like this for over half of my life to try and change what I know as 'normal' it's frustrating. To figure out why I am the way I am .. it's frustrating.

Then to have others have their in put it's just like Too Much! I just can't handle that. Let me go through this process the way that I am supposed to go through it. With you having to have your opinion just upsets me more and makes me want to go back to when I was 13 and lying about everything.

I'm trying to be honest. I mean for god sakes this one friend and it's been awhile like a few months but I called her to say some things and then when she called back I was like I lied to you. I mean who does that?? Me apparently:) I was like I was not wanting to tell you so I was, well basically ashamed. I think I blew her away. She didn't say much.

I mean I am proud of myself that I'm honest. That I'm not hiding so much anymore. And if you got the so much part.. it's because I'm starting to revert to hiding.

I thought if I was open things would be good.. instead it feels like shit hit the ceiling! So now I'm tending to not wanting to try because it was at least okay.

IDK

Nothing I do is right and I get that flown in my face constantly. Before me seeking recovery at least I got things done.. now I seem to just Suck!

So I just .. I just don't know. I'm spending money for me to just get my face pushed in the mud by my fam and friends.. not all of them do not get me wrong at all. Some of them are very supportive and others.. well .. they are what they are. It's not their responsibility for me either. But I can't say that it doesn't still hurt... it does.

But I'm in this pull of go back to that or try to be something else. When I was that back person I was on top of things .. everything .. I mean it wasn't perfect but it was at least moving along. Me now trying to change its crazy. And I hate crazy! I feel helpless and lost .. out of complete control .. I don't know what the next day is going to bring .. just kinda sad.

Some PPL

So I have this friend.. wait there let go back on that. My sister has a friend from college that moved here and of course my sis gives her my number and all.

At first I didn't mind. I mean she is older then I am and has been married for a long time with one child who is in the 8th grade. I mean they are nice, but it's just not my cup of tea.

Well, the one problem I tend to have is when I'm tired I can't seem to shut my mouth. Kinda like those drunk ppl that you see who just keep going and you want to shut them up .. that's me when I'm tired. And I'm like scary truthful.

One day she called and I told her about Ed. I don't know why I did, but it was in the beginning of my search in recovery and I was just blabbing. Come to find out her sister (who is my age, has 3 kids) has Ed also. So this friend, well lets call her Bee haha.. just so then you get who I'm talking about. So bee was like telling me her side of things and I would tell her how I could see from her sisters perspective. It was like nice to talk with someone and get my feelings out and then also help her understand the feelings and urges.

That was short lived!

She know calls and first wants to be on the phone for like 2-3 hrs. And it's like I don't have that time to sit here and talk and I know I can clean at the same time but it's just like I don't want a phone glued to me.

And she know gives me advice on what to eat. She'll ask me how I'm doing (which now I lie so I don't have to hear all the shit) But before when I would say that I was struggling she's like oh well you should eat this or do that. Just go for a run. What??? When? When Zae is locked up in the closest??

I've also somewhat (not in depth) talked about my finances. Which they are comfortable I would say.. Truly don't know but when you build the house that they did and do all that they did with the backyard and what not .. kinda leaning towards your a lot better off then I am. Specially considering how much it costs me to going to my T and have my doctors appointments along with my scripts. And then just every day expenses. She wants me to go to a gym with her. It's like I don't have strength to do anything. And I'm definitely NOT going with someone so they can try to tell me what I should eat and not eat. Leave me alone!

So I've been avoiding her calls now for like 3 weeks. And I tend to feel bad, but I am busy. Well busy in my mind. I think counts haha. But we have also been running around. It's not like I couldn't set time aside to call but I just really don't want to listen to it. And because she's my sisters friend I feel obligated. I'll probably call today and come up with some excuse to get off the phone.

Oh once I did that .. she called around lunch (which I already planned on not eating but that's another story) but I was on the phone with her for 2 hrs and 5 minutes. At like an hour 1/2 I told her that I needed to get Zae lunch. And she goes off going oh what are you guys eating?? I just said left overs and she's like oh .. ya you should have this and that though too. It's like SHUT UP!!!! AHHH!!

I just don't understand why they can't shut up. These ppl that think they know right. Like bee she's trying to lose weight. Good for you. I don't need to hear anything. I don't need to know how much you weigh. About I could just take your extra weight to put on me. A.. what?? Hello.

I completely understand now why she had issues with her sister and why her sisters T told her to stop talking to bee. That's where I feel like I am right now. I just don't want to have anything to do with her. Kinda annoyed with my sister because she introduced us. Specially cause my sister laughs when I call her a bitch haha:) Luckily we have a good relationship.

Like Kim doesn't asked all these questions. She'll maybe ask how I'm doing. And if I say I'm struggling she's like just I guess more lost for words. She just wants me to get better and she doesn't pressure me. (well she tried and figured out real fast that that doesn't work).

But if there is anything that I can get across here for those who maybe don't have an ed or know someone that does. We need support not advice!

Tired!!!

So to say the least this past weekend has caused me to go into the zombie mode.

I mean I don't sleep much .. but then to add on this extra exercise .. it feels like I got hit by a bus!

I'm amazed that I used to be able to run as far as I could before these past couple years. And not feeling any of the consequences of it either. Now it's like I don't even want to walk up the stairs because it makes me tired.

Then to go further because I am so exhausted, I have no more effort to put into anything for that matter. I just either want to sleep or just sit like on the couch because I can't waste my energy. Lack of I guess is more like it.

Positive note, is I haven't weighed myself since last week (in which I had dropped in weight again) Which okay, it doesn't make sense maybe to many but it's like I have to get back down to what I was before I can start again. And I know rationally wise all I'm going to do then is when I start to gain again think I need to start over .. well Ed will be telling me that one.

I keep making these 'deadlines'. Like On Monday I'll start again. And Monday comes and I panic. Well actually all Sunday night and Monday morning that is all I can think about is should I should I not .. should I wait til Tuesday, should I just wait til Friday.

And even the times that I have done well .. it's a constant battle. Every minute every second Ed is so strong and right by my side trying to convince me of what to do. And usually I can only defeat him for a couple days (at best it was a week) but he has this way. I'll eat a meal. And I'll try to keep it small so that I don't panic but then some how he will tell me I'm still hungry and I'll try to fight that off as long as I can or to eat something that is in my comfort .. something I'm alright with eating, but like I said he will always after a few days convince me that I've already ate too much so that I need to purge and get rid as of much of anything that I can.

It makes no sense, well cept that it does for me.

Well, after this weekend and all the crap that I am having to deal with I just don't have a drive to fight. I'm hoping that I can somehow find it again.

=/

You know when there are problems when you can't even stay awake during the day.

Yesterday kinda sucked. I mean not only and I am sunburned.. but I so needed ice. I needed water, Tom said he wouldn't spend money on it. Didn't know that Richard had some, so I was just like get me an icy:) And then I just like passed out after a bit.

My sleeping patterns are off so bad it sucks. I wake up at 3 a.m. and I'm ready for sleep around 2ish. And I don't know how to break it. All it does is make me feel crazy and I can't rationalize .. anything it seems.

Then to say the least.. last night we met up with this group of guys who have sat next too us for the last 5 yrs. Well, they were really fun but they cooked us dinner. (I know why say but) Well, I luckily only ate half .. about half of my hamburger to then give the rest to Tom. Then the guys wouldn't stop. You want another hamburger, you want a hot dog, there's some chili. You need to eat something.

It was just like okay Ed comings in. I mean Ed was already there, but now Ed's going SEE they all know .. they're trying to have you eat more because you need to eat more. What are you going to do??? Smiling and saying no thank you isn't helping!

I don't know how many of you have felt this way, but before I started this I didn't really ever feel like I had these thoughts. Before others knew, I just went about my business. It didn't seem like I had these constant thoughts. But maybe that's just because no I am aware of them :(

And then to top things off, time changes. And someone needed some help .. a reach out to get thru something. So it's now almost 6 a.m. ... stupid time change! And I am going to try to lay down again to at least get 30 mins in. But I'll probably make a fool of myself today and I'm sunburned.. Get it sunburned. Just in case you didn't get it the first time:) It hurts! Well whatever.. It is what it is right Stef!?

I know.. I need to learn

I honestly don't think I have like an anger problem. But I definitely have a problem when I'm pushed to the limit.

I just don't get why you can't just back off for a bit. Please just STOP! I feel like I'm almost in like this trap. I can't get out because every time I try to crawl out it's like I'm being pushed back into this hole.

I really then can't control myself almost. I mean I don't think I do anything harmful. I threaten a lot, but actual punishment.. not so much. I will slap butts but most of the time I believe in just time outs.

Only problem is lately I feel helpless. I can't control my Ed I can't control anyone in my life.. I mean I don't want to control them but I just wished that they would stop being this way to me. It's like they are railroading me and just making me feel more like worthless shit. And I'm just .. I just can't do it.

I just wished someone would see how sad I am. And helpless and just lost. Instead it's just like I get bombarded in every direction that can possibly be.

Guess I just need to learn IT IS WHAT IT IS.

Just pissie

Okay so I might go into Ed related.. and maybe it's Ed related to or maybe he just has his sneaky way of coming into it to bother me more.

When I got married and don't get me wrong I love Tom. But I didn't get married to 'take after' another person. I was working about 50 to 60 hours a week and would have a list of what to do around the house, and yet when he had his 2 days off he wouldn't do sh*t and then tell me that he didn't know what needed to be done. Really if the clothes in the laundry basket are full.. I'm pretty sure they need to be washed. But I guess who would think of that. I mean really I guess it takes a lot of intelligence to figure that one out.

And to say the least .. the beginning of our relationship was really rocking. Not like we still don't have problems. But in the start he lied to me. Which just hurt even more because for some reason I trusted him from the get go. I opened up to him .. told him things that it usually takes awhile for others to have ever know. But I asked him to never lie to me. That was the one thing.. just don't lie. Honestly, I don't know why I forgave him. I don't know why I just didn't turn the other way and run. Mainly because it wasn't one lie two lies.. it was lies.

It's just frustrating because I had to take care of myself. I had a baby, I was in college, I tried back out for the volleyball team (since I had to give up my scholarship because I got pregnant) but I decided that I couldn't go to school, work, be a mother and then also play a game.

A game that I loved. The one that will make me cry when I think back. It sucks to know what I didn't do. And how things could have been so different, because of that sport. My life would have been changed.

But I did get a beautiful baby boy out of it.. so I shouldn't complain so much..

So, the whole reason why I pissed is because .. I don't think I should have to go thru Toms clothes to see if there's anything in his pockets. I don't really even feel like I should have to with the boys. I mean seriously .. I'm the one doing loads of laundry and putting it away, I think the ONE thing you can do is make sure you pockets are empty.

Well, Tom left chap stick in somewhere.. and anyways it ruined some of my clothes because I didn't realize the chap stick until after the dryer. I tried to get the red spots out but it won't work. And it's just like Thanks.. and then he's all like passive going oh we'll just get you another shirt.. really because I only had that one for years and finally I actually liked the way I looked in it.. but ya.. thanks for the thought.

And the boys keep taking my crap. Or else they will get on the computer and move all of my papers around. It's just like stop touching MY STUFF!!!!!! I just don't understand why you have to constantly move and rearrange my things and I don't bother with yours.

Or the constant pick up after everyone. It's just like I don't make you pick up after me. And again, I understand the boys.. well to a point. They do know that I expect them to pick up their clothes off the floor and their toys but some things I get. It's Tom that kills me. It took like 5 yrs for him to finally put his dirty clothes in the frickin basket. And still there are times where he won't. I've gotten to the point where I'll leave it and let him do it.

The other .. well month right now.. he had a glass that sat on our bathroom counter for 3 weeks. I would even take it off to clean off the counter to then put it back.

I am not a mother to you. You are an adult you can take care of yourself and clean up after yourself. I already buy all the fucking grocery, clean the damn house, take care of the kids (always taking care of the kids) .. GOD DAMN GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK ALREADY!

Well, okay.. I have to end. I have to just get shit out. Although I don't know how much it helps because I still am pissed=P

But Brayd has tryouts so I have to go, and then come back to do a deep search for my drivers license that Zaelur took off with.

I'm thinking I need to lock all my things up so that no one can get to them. Which just annoys me to even think of it. It's just like an invasion of privacy .. and I had to deal with that too much .. I can't stand it!

Why

So ever since June when I started this battle.. well at least addressing the issue. My life has flip upside down.

I honestly feel right now that my life was easier then. I had a better time remembering and concentrating. I was there more for the boys. Tom and I were not fighting as much. I mean we argued but for those who know our argument got a lot worse.

In which now I can't do anything. Again! Again I am helpless in what I can say or do. Just another way to take control away from me.

Seriously for those who don't have an Ed and are maybe possibly reading this to help or understand. It's not about a number. It really isn't. It's about control. To have control taken away from you it's Huge! I don't even think I can express or explain it. Unless you feel it it's hard to tell someone how it is to have everything taken from you and your grasping for something to hold onto. Something to be proud of. For me that's my weight and the food that does or does not go into my body. Or the lack of .. really.

So there's the picture of me, I won't post it or anything. It's really blurry anyways. But I look at it, and I see my Ed view and then I see the what a person should think view. Only problem, I like it. The way I look. =/ It doesn't make me happy to say or anything but in that same breath.. I like it.

I do know I don't want to live my life like this. It's just frustrating to have all the other responsibilities and on top of it to try and 'fix' myself. I'm now starting to understand why ppl go into ip. And then now I worry that if I would go, well number 1 reason is I don't want to feel like I'm in jail. Number 2 is if no one is helping with the kids now, what would it be like if I'm gone. (But I guess if I end up killing myself what's the difference.) My number 3 reason is Money.

You would think that things like this wouldn't cost as much. That people would want to help more then they would want to see the $$$$$$. But I guess that's what makes me me and them them.

It Is What It Is.

I just really need to start believing again. I need to get that burst of fire for a bit. At least a moment.