Other then that I'm back into my hiding. I feel like I'm 13 all over again trying to avoid the conversation. Trying to avoid getting yelled at. Just having something.
I get to make that decision.
Ed's taught me that no one else 'Really' cares. It's me against the world.
The only thing that has me to keep kicking right now is hope. Hope and beautiful children. That some how some way I'll do them right. Even tho I am not right now. My kids are beautiful. Absolutely nothing wrong with them.. No wait.. they tend to be a little loud but other then that:)
The problem is I'm starting to Really feel the Guilt. And I'm trying to think it's just Ed saying it .. I want to believe that's not the person I am.
But that is the person I am. I am this person. And I'm hurting the 3 people in my life that I wouldn't even question to lye in front of a bus to safe them. And yet I don't care enough about me. When I probably will even be hurting them more when they figure it out. Damn should have not taught them so well:) haha..
Not funny I know I just try my hardest lately to want to be happy.
So anyways. Ed has me knowing what I'm doing wrong and trying to hide what I'm doing. It really sucks .. and it sucks the life out of you as well.. emotionally and physically. I don't want this life that's all I know. Just really don't know how to change.
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