Dead

I know I just posted.. But I just can't help this

I'm glad you want your wife dead. Go ahead he says. I'm glad. Thanks.... Thanks!!

I fucking suck at this point. Why keep kicking me down.. WHY?????? Just fucking stop already!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a horrible person. That's how I feel. I can't be a mother. That's the first and most important person that I need to be. These children are dealing with too much shit that they shouldn't have to handle. And I keep dishing it out. I am not being the mother that I should be. I should be the protector and the one that makes sure that they are happy and enjoying every second of their life.

Then I am supposed to show them how a marriage should be. How that you have conflicts but you handle them in a respectable way and a loving way.

Instead.. ya.

And apparently to go further.. I am obviously a horrible wife.

I know I'll get angry. But there are a lot of times that I just feel like I can't make sense of what I say to come out in the right way. And then to have crap thrown in my face.. it's just like REALLY?????!!!

Like I am your wife .. protect me.. isn't that what you are supposed to do???? Your not supposed to tear me down also! At least that's how I thought of it anyways.

If it were not for my children, unfortunately death might not look so bad. And that's horrible to say. I hate to say that! It makes me ache! It makes me sad! All I can think is if I heard one of my friends say that I would want to grab them and pull them out of it and I feel so stuck.

What sucks that most is I love Tom. I do love him. I can't change him. But in a way I feel like I could. I understand what he's gone thru and I just want him to know that I am here if he wants me to be here. That I'm not walking unless he wants me to.

Thing is .. I'm starting to feel like he wants me to =<

I just don't know anymore...