Unknowing of how Ed comes in..

So I thought I'd try this whole telling my story.. Not sure if it'll do anything or what but at least I get to speak. Well type:)

I don't know when Ed started.. the thoughts I mean. I definetly remember the day I started that will be a mind mark that can never be erased. Wished that it could but no one can take that memory away until the day I die.

My life really wasn't that 'bad'. I'm not sure what caused me to go to Ed.. to rely on Ed. I do remember hating my one older brother Bobby, God.. always it was my fault and he was also the one being responsible. I'm sure for him it's okay. We're kids come on I get it but all in the same Fuck it wasn't me. I remember getting slapped for breaking a glass that I honestly trust did not.

One of my most rememberable times was when Bobby and I were downstairs and granted it's in a older house but it had trim on the up part.. anyways Bobby knocked it down but then said it was me that did it. So my mom said to my dad to spank me (bare butted cuz that's the only way.. right?! Ya..) 10 times. He took me downstairs and I was crying the whole way.. specially cause I DIDN'T DO IT!!! He bent me over his knee and spanked me once and said to keep crying so that mom 'bought it'. It was that day.. He was on my side! I had someone. Unfortunately I never went to him..He just wouldn't understand.

Then the house 'exploding'... I mean I guess it did.. that's what they said. Long story short.. put sidewalk around the house worker drove spike into far punchered the gas line .. leaked.. came back in.. furniance kicked on .. boom. Brother Mom Dad and I were in there .. My Brother they said would have had his head on fire and his hands/parts of feet/ears had 2 and 3rd degree burns. Me perfectly fine. Happened earlier in the morning .. I actually had to go to school that morning. I was in my jams and went down to the store that morning to get clothing so that I could go to school. I hate that day. Everyone was asking me how Bobby was and I had no idea. My brother was in the hospital and I didn't know if he was dying or what I had no idea. I was scared and had to put on this pretend face.

After that I was surprised. I mean not to say that my brother made a full recovery but him and I got really close. Watching basketball games together and playing games. It was like me and him against the world in a way. Btw I have sister and 3 other brothers. But Bobby and me .. I had his back he had mine. It felt great.. He left tho.. And I don't know.. I don't wnat to 'blaim' him but at the same time I do.

The one thing I'll never forget and I don't know if I've forgiven.. I got pregnant when I was 19 .. I don't think he ever looks at it from my point of view. I lost my scholarship I lost playing a game I loved.. I lost friends for my son. I lost a lot. And then he says Fuck you and hangs up. I called you to tell you. I wanted to tell you f2f but you hadn't come back home in time. I had to go back to work. I wanted to tell you before the rest of the town told you. And you say Fuck you?!?!?!? You know fuck you!!!! That's not fair! And then haha you get ur gf pregnant and apologize to me for saying that. I didn't deserve that. And I love my sister in law and my neices and nephews so I don't say anything but I really didn't deserve that!

My mom has done a lot and at the same time done so much to hurt .. and I fear I'm doing the same thing. Another impact my mom did was well my sister was pregnant in highschool. She got engaged to the guy (so happy it didn't work out!) but there was the one night I can't ever get outta my mind. Mom, Dad, Kim, Cody in the dinning room yelling.. Well Mom yelling. I heard Dad too. I was 11. I was 11!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's not what I should hear.. take it the fuck outside!!! I should not have heard my sister crying coming into our room to grab the fucking ring box! Crying. Oh man I hurt for her then. I was so pissed at my parents. They ruined my sisters life. That's how I felt at that time. And maybe Ed was coming in then.. maybe before. ?!

Ed has always been my reliablity! Also my only.

Always been my only but I would like to get rid of him. I mean I said that but at the same time I'm hesitent. He's been my only. Granted he hasn't treated me well but he's been there .. Always! But I do want more. I know I want more. I don't want to die. Not like this. I'd rather die in a car wreck or accidental something .. I don't want to leave my boys knowing their mom was this way. That makes me sad!

All in the same tho I can't say goodbye. 17 yrs.. to say no today I'm better.. hmm. ya.. that's like a joke. I'm having such a seperation problem. I mean it's like a child going to preschool or daycare the first time and just crying saying "pleasing don't leave me!!!!!!" that's where I am.