Guilt

Today.. hah.. ya whatever.

I feel so sad constantly. I feel like I'm longing for something or someone and I can't get it. And then I just want to drown.

Tom has been so patient with me. It's finally I mean after 8 years I'm finally feeling like he loves me and he's there for me. That he'll always be there for me. I hope so anyways .. !?

Ed .. oh he and me we go way back. Gosh it's been close to 18 years and I just .. I know him he makes me feel better. So stupid to say it all in the same but he really does make me feel like I'm doing the right thing. Idk.

This last week has been a trial. I'm so scared and so sad to let go and trust that it's something more. That food really isn't going to make me lose everything. But at the same time I'm fighting saying once you eat you will lose. Like look what you've done.. you finally did it right you go there you did it. You see yourself and you are beautiful. What am I going to be without Ed? Disgusting?! It feels that way.

So Tomorrow.. ug tomorrow! I promised Tom I'd try so I have to hold to my word. I promised. I can't let him down. (hi ed..:) always there huh! can't ever let something go wrong.. perfect no matter what it is..)

Only thing is I suck at being 'perfect'. I really suck! It's like I took a class or something. Oh but then that's where I'd be perfect again cause I learned so much to master it.

It's funny too.. no not really funny but I always use the word funny. But that I have to make this blog 'right'. I have to somehow need to make it to others. No .. and that's what I'm trying to accomplish.. still haven't. But ya I'm going to mistype or I'm going to not address to you or just idk.. sorry that's me. And you know I want me. I want to be okay with me. Ya I don't do this or that all the time and I screw up but I see myself and I'm trying desperately to love myself.. I am going to love myself.

Ed is right now is behind the wheel.. has been. But this last week I've gone full blown. I can't not. Just every little thing bothers the shit outta me and the way that my body reacts is just overwhelming. I seriously will feel my arms just gain tension and my hair stand up and it's like that all I can do .. that's it. I have to!

I did get my meal plan started this week.. so tomorrow oh.. tomorrow.. I don't even want to think of tomorrow. I'm going to try to fight ed.. I hate it only cause I do believe tomorrow I can but then Tuesday I'm screwed! But I'm trying my hardest not to think of Tuesday, And even tomorrow!

Well I guess hopefully tomorrow I can fight Ed and things will be in .. ug I was going to say in a better state but that's just stupid to say!

So to sum it up .. Ed and me are still in this relationship. I can't seem to let him go.. and I feel like I'm betraying something.. myself ?? him?? just something. I feel alone and just sad. Hurt. Hate the feeling all at the same time! But that's today ..