Just Another Day

I don't have the stregthen! I feel so weak and doomed and tired.. Just weak!

I can't do it. I don't know how. I know they tell me to go to treatment but I have children to worry about. And also they say do it for my children .. well when I don't do it for my family it just puts more pressure on me and makes me feel more like a failure. A complete disappointment.

Tom has honestly wowed me lately. In the last couple months eventhough I still get frustrated with him, he I know is the only one on my side. Which helps so much! It's almost disgusting=) I just don't get it.. why .. why stay by me??! So it's definetly been a nice/weird/awkward feeling..

Only problem is that it also makes me feel really guilty and really like I 'can't' do it.

Soo... today. Ed grabbed me .. took me by the hand and said it's the best way. Look at all this crap your dealing with and you never had to worry about it before. Just keep coming with me and you'll be fine. The boys will be fine they will have no problems with their school work or contacting their teachers or contacting coaches.. You'll just keep pushing forward.

And Tom.. he won't say anything. He'll just keep looking at you thinking that your beautiful... again .... dot dot dot..

I've had so many people hurt me in my life and I don't know why I've ever allowed it. And Ed just keeps being there.. The only one I can count on. Ya he destroys me too be he's at least only dependable. I hate him and love him all at the same time. I want to erase him in my life so badly but right now I've lived with him so long that it's a hard road to move forward.

I really wished today I could have posted that I ate 3 meals and 3 snacks. And that I was 'normal' .. unforunately .. nope didn't happen. I ate breakfast .. just a nutra bar with 8 oz of OJ and freaked and from then on disaster happened.

Hopefully someday I will be able to come on and be confident with my eating and be proud of it and show that food isn't a BIG thing .. it's just food. And that a person isn't determined by a number and that we are special because we are all just us. I long for the day right now.. until then..