Questioning ?!?!

So today I had my appointment with Kim (my t = therapist).. it was hard going. Specially cause I knew how slight of an improvement I've made.

It's hard! Everyone is constantly questioning me. Saying I'm not improving more I'm not doing more.. It's just another failure! Sorry I CAN'T LET GO!!!!!!!!!!! EDs been there more then you have tho so WHY DO YOU FUCKING CARE NOW?!?! It's just hard.. it sucks is a better word.. suck suck suck!

I mean it's not fun living like this. This is not what I wanted for my life. I wanted peace .. just peace. I'm not sure if anyone knows what peace is at this time .. People fricking are just bitches and asses! No one seems to care for one another they just let the other drown without another thought!

So yesterday was my hard day.. huge hard day at least for me. First went to the grocery store with the boys.. and I'm trying so hard to be more laid back with them so that's a struggle in it's own. Anyways.. The only check out is the 15 or less and well we had 32 (I know this cause the boys and I play this game my sis does hehe.. that you guess how many items when your paying so.. ) well this lady behind me comes up .. she has to be in her 50's maybe even more I don't know but she has 6 12 packs of soda and I say oh excuss me would you like to go before me.. as I'm just putting the milk up on the belt and she ack .. she gesters to the sign and I calmly but still with insurance say well there where no other lanes open. And it was just like why would you have to behave that way?!?! I just offered to let you go ahead of me what difference does it make then after that?? I just offered you to go ahead!!!!:) Like seriously! Wtf is that about!? So that started my day.. then it was to the pool with the kids.. which I don't like places I don't know why I go. (Actually I do because my kids mean more to me then I do to myself.) Well the kids had fun at least:) Got some dirtly looks .. not sure why. If is one things I do believe and ya it could because their my kids:) haha but I believe they behave well. Then last night.. that was the kicker! I had a friend tell me about this truck a trick .. and it's where the kids dress up and there are cars with their trucks opened up and then you walk around and get treats.. anyways because she was going to go (beforehand we were going to go bowling) but so I asked Ky if he'd like to do that. Of course he said yes. Well .. the way it all played out wasn't how I had planned.. My friend couldn't go.. so I end up with Ky and Zae by myself.. surrounded by hundreds. I don't like that many people!!!! I can't stand it at all! So to get to my point was we were standing in line for the bouncy house and these two ladies come over with maybe their children or just one of theirs not sure ?! But they like pushed their kids in front of everyone.. maybe I shouldn't have said anything I don't know ?? But I just calmly stated to them that I understand this whole thing is about the kids but at the same time you should be aware of everyone else. The one went to get the kids which they of course started to whine about it (who wouldn't?!) and I just said that wasn't my point they are there let them go but next time just be aware of the people that are there in front. My concern with me on questioning myself is what does it matter too?? Oh okay I get to stand in line for another 3 more minutes .. OH WELL:) But on the other hand it's why are you going to not understand other people are here and be frickin considerate!! So lost with that choice. But it's done and said so .. on to the next.. haha

So today has been trying.. which usually results in tomorrow being the same. I don't know why. I can't say why I allow one day to lead to the next but I do. Actually Kim said she couldn't see me for another 2 weeks so ED kicked in and said see you have at least one more week with me. Who does that?? Me that's who:)

It's like one more last chance. One more time I get to date you and one more time I get to have 'us'. Of course 'us' is poison and we actually suck together.. we are just not good for one another but for some reason I just long to make it work.

On another note.. Tom and I argued tonight.. at least our arguments have gotten better. (not sure how that makes sense but ya lol) We just don't scream at each other anymore.. try to speak with one another. I think that's an improvement.. I dont know I guess.. Life.. fun isn't it?! But now I'm up awake and can't sleep .. he's sound asleep which annoys me but it is what it is ...

Okay this is my day .. long day! Past two days actually but ya:) hoping tomorrow will be better but I really don't think so.. I hate that too!