So today .. okay here we go:)
First I wake up to Tom kissing me on the cheek which is wonderful but it's also almost a quarter after 8 .. He stopped by cause he was on his way to a job that went by the house. And so he says don't go downstairs. Theres OJ everywhere .. then he comes back up and said that they broke my candle. I was just to tired to argue with any of them. Whether it was them or the cats.. whatever fine... well I mean not fine but still..
So I got up to mopping the floor with OJ and the sweeping glass.. garbage. I don't get these guys. Some days they wake up and I can't hear them for my life and others they destory the house without me even knowning. Specially lately. Really ever since I started my recovery. Which then just makes me question everything too.
Like why should I go down this road?? For what.. ya I'm going to get fat and be lonely and like stupid. Ed is all I have right now .. HE'S ALL I HAVE!!! No one gets that! No one unless they have ed. It's like trying to explain to just someone how my mind thinks is annoying! Just because they question me and think that I'm like insane or crazy. Well yes I am crazy. I'm crazy with wanting to just be happy!
But I'm not sure what HAPPY is.. My happiness is just calm. Being able to just look at things and smile. To see my children and just smile. Oh and again the Sky.. god that is beauty. To me that is the greatest gift God ever gave me!! Well besides my beautiful wonderful but trying children oh I LOVE them to death! Even when I just want to go insane!!:) haha
I just don't know what to do right now. I'm scared without Ed and I don't want Ed. I think that without Ed I would be just so happy and just 'normal' and right now I feel lost! If I lose Ed what happens then?!?! I really just don't know.
So yes I'm frustrated and mad and skin is crawling wanting to just punch something or scream .. Just hating this feeling!!
First I wake up to Tom kissing me on the cheek which is wonderful but it's also almost a quarter after 8 .. He stopped by cause he was on his way to a job that went by the house. And so he says don't go downstairs. Theres OJ everywhere .. then he comes back up and said that they broke my candle. I was just to tired to argue with any of them. Whether it was them or the cats.. whatever fine... well I mean not fine but still..
So I got up to mopping the floor with OJ and the sweeping glass.. garbage. I don't get these guys. Some days they wake up and I can't hear them for my life and others they destory the house without me even knowning. Specially lately. Really ever since I started my recovery. Which then just makes me question everything too.
Like why should I go down this road?? For what.. ya I'm going to get fat and be lonely and like stupid. Ed is all I have right now .. HE'S ALL I HAVE!!! No one gets that! No one unless they have ed. It's like trying to explain to just someone how my mind thinks is annoying! Just because they question me and think that I'm like insane or crazy. Well yes I am crazy. I'm crazy with wanting to just be happy!
But I'm not sure what HAPPY is.. My happiness is just calm. Being able to just look at things and smile. To see my children and just smile. Oh and again the Sky.. god that is beauty. To me that is the greatest gift God ever gave me!! Well besides my beautiful wonderful but trying children oh I LOVE them to death! Even when I just want to go insane!!:) haha
I just don't know what to do right now. I'm scared without Ed and I don't want Ed. I think that without Ed I would be just so happy and just 'normal' and right now I feel lost! If I lose Ed what happens then?!?! I really just don't know.
So yes I'm frustrated and mad and skin is crawling wanting to just punch something or scream .. Just hating this feeling!!
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