Today .. Today .. Today

It's frustrating to come to another day and find that I'm still stuck. I definetly don't want this for my life.. I mean okay look :) .. I have a beautiful family!! Ya my husb and I have trying days .. hah along with my children but I was blessed with something so wonderful.. Now if I could only find the will to fight.

I just don't know how to .. I'm I guess to weak to Eds pushes. I do give him credit for being so strong but I also think/believe that I'm strong that eventhought I have turned to him for help that I am strong because I have had him. Might not make a lot of sense to others I don't know. But it's just I've lived with Ed and it takes a lot of strength to do so. Takes more to let go which I'm in a position that is complicated.

My Ed is so complicated.. it's not just if you look like this way you'll be happy because honestly I now like the way I look. So it's at the point that I accomplished my 'goal' but that goal.. ya it's killing me.. faster then I know! And then the second part is my Ed tells me to do things when I don't know how to handle my emotions. Doesn't matter if I'm sad/happy/mad just every part of you that you think of when you feel Ed has a way of leading the role. Whether it's now making sure I don't eat or that when I eat a small meal just everything and everything CAN NOT stay in!!!

With this I also feel like I'm making progress. Weird right?! I feel like I'm journaling I'm seeking help and I'm reaching out where before I just secluded myself so that noone knew and it's so easy to lie so then it wasn't a problem. Now I'm being honest. And honest hurts sometimes it really slaps you in the face but I trust in God. I trust that he's giving me strength to keep going .. that he has me here for such a bigger process and I just need to listen to him. And don't get me wrong that's hard also so.. ya.

Today with ed.. yep with Ed:) Specially after last night. Nights like that never help move forward. And it's not like I need to blaim someone else for something that was done or said but it just keeps me close to Ed cause Ed has always had my back!

I kinda feel like my posts have always been really neg. So I wanted to say something positive.. maybe it sounds vain but it's my way of pushing past Ed and loving myself..

I love my eyes.. I know sounds very vain yes but I do something I love:)

I love to sing.. I think I do it fairly well. Obviously not something GREAT but nice and I'm okay with nice..

I'm very compassionate! Can't stand seeing a homeless person or a child crying or knowing that someone is going without just not a life I want those people to go through! Just hurts my heart when I see people suffering!

I love to laugh and I love funny things to the fullest..
I love picking on the boys and playing with them and just making their life enjoyable. Making them feel special and loved.

Anyways Today was today tomorrow is tomorrow. Ed is with me and I know I want to kick his ASS to the side but it's also a hard thing to say goodbye to and let go of. So tomorrow we will see.. hopefully I can get a meal in:) Til then ..