Explaining Myself

I always feel like someone is question my intentions my thoughts my.. just everything! Good lord. It's like why can't you just accept ME!?

The problem is too is the me that I think I am isn't what everyone things I am. And it sucks!! Heres me.. I love to smile, I love my eyes, love laughing and stupid things, actually like to cry at a movie .. (not a lot lately tho cause crying and me have become too much), I love to give. I see a homeless person and I just feel so much for them. Here's a good story or at least I love it! Kyler and I had gone to Walmart to buy a gift for a friend of his. We are at the light and a lady has a sign that says she's homeless.. I had money but for some reason that moment I was like I don't want to give her money. (specially down here sometimes you just don't know but I still will do it but ya..) Anyways I stopped and told her that I would buy her some lunch if she liked and she was just like yes anything sure whatever. So just ran right close buy and bought her a meal at just a fast food .. got the whole combo thing and Kyler kept asking questions. (he's 6.. 5 at the time) so we go back to give her the food and she's like thank you so much you are so kind. As we were driving away Kyler said she said we were kind. I said yes she did. And he goes I'm going to take all my money and buy her a house so that she has a house. And it was just a good moment. Made me feel proud that he's going to have a kind heart.

When it comes to me explain things.. Like for instance and example is last year spring time, Brayden is at his baseball game. And yes these people were annoying and obnoxious but with that .. it was about their kids and not them. They really did have some good kids. Well so the first week the dad is just over the top annoying!! And I complain to Tom about it. Well then the next game his kid hit a homerun and I make a comment like that's gotta make you proud. Tom thought I was saying it negatively which I wasn't. I was honestly just being like you know you feel good when your kid does well or is proud, your proud. At least for me I am. So he was upset with me and it's like I can't do anything right!! I also then start thinking that maybe it was wrong and questioning myself is what has gotten me to this point.

I hate that part! Absolutely hate it! It's just like okay I suck I know I can't do it right .. always just something right?! Can't do this or that or if I'm starting to like what I'm doing well guess what again you suck comes in! Even with this blog at first it's like oh your not doing this or doing that right .. your not making it so that people want to read it .. well tough shit then don't read it! For the most part I probably would not meet most of you.. oh the other hand some of you might actually enjoy it or relate to it .. ?!?

I just hate every day feeling like I have to tell someone why and how I think. I don't know why. It's hard to explain too because after so long of just holding in everything it's just how do you expect me to speak words and rationalize how and why I feel the way I do. That might come off wrong also.. it's not that I don't mind explaining to people the thoughts that Ed takes and goes with and why I just follow along, but I hate when people think that this is just easy.

When I say people I say my mother. It's so hard to put her down because I do love her but she constantly does things .. says things that just put me down and she doesn't even realize it. And last week when I begged her that I needed her.. she just thought I needed her in person. She didn't even understand that I just needed her to support me. I've just always wanted her to stand behind me and say it's okay .. we'll do this together. But.. ya. Today on the phone she says to me it's just like quitting smoking. Really cause you smoked almost my entire life.. haha. And tried to quit how many times?!?!? Ya it's that simple. Right.

Right now I'm just sad. I know that I have to leave Ed but I really don't want to. Ed's been my backbone. Been the only one ever there.. no one else..they all left. And that's why I say that I'm surprised Tom has stayed. I've tried to push him away too. I look back now and I see where I had that thought in my head well he's just going to leave too just wait it's going to happen. And he's proven me wrong. It feels really great!

So Ed and me are fighting and he's winning the battles. He's really good.. really strong and I'm weak right now.