What a horrible hurtful word right?! At least I think so..
But with that I'm good at it.
In high school no one ever really questioned anything so it didn't matter. And when I needed to lie oh gosh Ed steps right in to take the role. He's so well at it and knows exactly what to say and do. Knows how to make my eyes be convincing and just be 'tough'.
Now when it comes to the times that truth was actually being spoken that was me. I felt like I was just going to be open and honest .. just be me. Just about every time I've gotten slapped in the face with it so Ed has always been right on just to lie and let him take control and the role.
It's getting really hard right now too because I want to be forthcoming and honest and open but yet it just keeps pulling me down cause I'm so upset with myself. I don't do it right I'm not satisfying people with my recovery I should be this or that. And reality is I'm just me. I'm trying to love me!
It's hard because Ed steps in a lot! And when I mean a lot I mean A LOT!!!! It's well then they don't matter if they don't want to like me or understand me then that's their loss and Eds saying that a lot too but also it's well you weren't GOOD enough. If only you'd done this or done that .. it's you your the reason why it fell apart!!!!
And it's a hard thing to let go. It's not this light switch that you simply turn on and off and too with that with your control!
Trying to fight Ed is overwhelming and tiring! It basically has consumed me. And I'm not even at that point of doing good or well. All I can make myself do is something simple. But with that too I'm trying to tell myself that that's something more then I've ever done in 17 yrs so I have to take that and build. Only probably is dealing with building.
Back to the Lying.. I lied growing up saying that I didn't have Ed. Well you know when your younger you hide things. But when I was 17 I told my mom and she said "I knew". And that was it. I honestly have never known what to think on it.. was she just being a bitch to say that she was right or was she saying that she knew cause she was waiting for me to come to her.. ?!?!? A question that'll never be answered. But from then on it was just to hide every time. Anytime someone asked I denied and said that I had overcomed it. Maybe cause I desperately wanted to overcome it!
In college .. I only told two friends at two serepate times .. both who well one I worked with and one I worked for. They both threw it in my face after awhile. Each on of them told other people only to knock me down. So now .. I've hated telling people. I mean it's been 7 yrs since the last time I told someone and now I'm responsible. And some way some how this is going to bite me in the butt!
So this is why I talk about lying.. I hate liars! Absolutely hate it! But in the same since people that you try to trust take what they hear and throw it right in your face.. seriously why trust someone else??? It's a hard thing to understand especially with Ed whispering in your ear!
To talk about today.. Ed was there for me again. Went out to lunch with a I guess friend. An acquaintance more of the so. But the place was just not what I was intending so then Ed just goes and runs and I have earmuffs on and just listen to him. Hoping tomorrow will be better but tomorrow is tomorrow and I can't worry about that right now. I did make sure I got an ensure in so at least it was something for the day.. something.. ug.
But with that I'm good at it.
In high school no one ever really questioned anything so it didn't matter. And when I needed to lie oh gosh Ed steps right in to take the role. He's so well at it and knows exactly what to say and do. Knows how to make my eyes be convincing and just be 'tough'.
Now when it comes to the times that truth was actually being spoken that was me. I felt like I was just going to be open and honest .. just be me. Just about every time I've gotten slapped in the face with it so Ed has always been right on just to lie and let him take control and the role.
It's getting really hard right now too because I want to be forthcoming and honest and open but yet it just keeps pulling me down cause I'm so upset with myself. I don't do it right I'm not satisfying people with my recovery I should be this or that. And reality is I'm just me. I'm trying to love me!
It's hard because Ed steps in a lot! And when I mean a lot I mean A LOT!!!! It's well then they don't matter if they don't want to like me or understand me then that's their loss and Eds saying that a lot too but also it's well you weren't GOOD enough. If only you'd done this or done that .. it's you your the reason why it fell apart!!!!
And it's a hard thing to let go. It's not this light switch that you simply turn on and off and too with that with your control!
Trying to fight Ed is overwhelming and tiring! It basically has consumed me. And I'm not even at that point of doing good or well. All I can make myself do is something simple. But with that too I'm trying to tell myself that that's something more then I've ever done in 17 yrs so I have to take that and build. Only probably is dealing with building.
Back to the Lying.. I lied growing up saying that I didn't have Ed. Well you know when your younger you hide things. But when I was 17 I told my mom and she said "I knew". And that was it. I honestly have never known what to think on it.. was she just being a bitch to say that she was right or was she saying that she knew cause she was waiting for me to come to her.. ?!?!? A question that'll never be answered. But from then on it was just to hide every time. Anytime someone asked I denied and said that I had overcomed it. Maybe cause I desperately wanted to overcome it!
In college .. I only told two friends at two serepate times .. both who well one I worked with and one I worked for. They both threw it in my face after awhile. Each on of them told other people only to knock me down. So now .. I've hated telling people. I mean it's been 7 yrs since the last time I told someone and now I'm responsible. And some way some how this is going to bite me in the butt!
So this is why I talk about lying.. I hate liars! Absolutely hate it! But in the same since people that you try to trust take what they hear and throw it right in your face.. seriously why trust someone else??? It's a hard thing to understand especially with Ed whispering in your ear!
To talk about today.. Ed was there for me again. Went out to lunch with a I guess friend. An acquaintance more of the so. But the place was just not what I was intending so then Ed just goes and runs and I have earmuffs on and just listen to him. Hoping tomorrow will be better but tomorrow is tomorrow and I can't worry about that right now. I did make sure I got an ensure in so at least it was something for the day.. something.. ug.
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