Sleeping..

It's honestly a beautiful thing .. if you have it I envy you. I know you shouldn't envy someone but someone that can sleep I can't help but envy you.

Last night I wanted Tom to go to sleep so bad that I could just be alone so it was late going to bed and then this morning.. okay here this was my convo when I woke up

Ed: You should just get up get on the computer and listening to music it’s the only time that you’ll be alone for the day being ALONE..
Me: Ya but I’m still tired and the pillow feels so comfy
Ed: Well last chance your already kind of waking up you probably won’t be able to go back to sleep
Me: Ug I need to take my Thyroid med
Ed: See just get up your knees are hurting anyways and by the time you get the med in you’ll be awake so just get on and listen to music
Me: ok

So here I am.

And days like this are really hard because Ed has just a way of saying things that I don't even realize until it's too late. And I just go with the flow too..

You know when someone is hugging you and your trying to squirm outta the hug.. that's me an Ed right now. But at the sametime feeling like I should just hug him back because that's what your supposed to do. And also because I've been in his grip for such a lot time .. that stepping out of my comfort zone is killing me. Either way I guess both are killing me.

It's hard too because it's like oh I'm not that bad! I want to feel like I have some type of control over this when I actually have none. And it's like when I hear others stories it's like see your still okay .. your fine. Just keep trucking thru with me (ed).

And also lately it's just causing me a lot of problems fighting with Ed. I'm forgetting things .. which also could be due to my Ed .. but I feel it's because I'm so concentrated on fighting that I can't deal with the rest of my life. For christsakes Brayden missed his practice on Friday because I totally forgot that it was Friday. Not the practice but the day. I had my t appt. and then it was just overwhelming trying to get housework done and Kyler had a playdate. I knew something was supposed to be at 5 but it was too late.. we went to the pumpkin patch and it wasn't until 5:30 that I got the info about the practice (which I already had it but they reminded me) So I feel like a horrible mother because I can't keep up from down and when I wasn't fighting I had everything under 'control'.

So on a bit of a different note.. the girls and even guys well guy that I've met thru EDA are insane!!!:) I love them so much. I have my 3 girls that at anytime I know I could just go to without a second thought. They have really impacted me in such a way that you would never could never understand! And the thing is that I haven't ever met them in person .. ya we skype but that's the most. I do believe one day we'll meet and it'll be awkward and uncomfortable but at the sametime I know I'll be so excited and happy to finally to just see them there acrossed or next to me whatever it is. Its weird to me haha.. but ya God gave me these girls and I know that they will be there for the rest of my life .. as I will be for them. And I am ever so grateful for that!
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　

Today .. Today .. Today

It's frustrating to come to another day and find that I'm still stuck. I definetly don't want this for my life.. I mean okay look :) .. I have a beautiful family!! Ya my husb and I have trying days .. hah along with my children but I was blessed with something so wonderful.. Now if I could only find the will to fight.

I just don't know how to .. I'm I guess to weak to Eds pushes. I do give him credit for being so strong but I also think/believe that I'm strong that eventhought I have turned to him for help that I am strong because I have had him. Might not make a lot of sense to others I don't know. But it's just I've lived with Ed and it takes a lot of strength to do so. Takes more to let go which I'm in a position that is complicated.

My Ed is so complicated.. it's not just if you look like this way you'll be happy because honestly I now like the way I look. So it's at the point that I accomplished my 'goal' but that goal.. ya it's killing me.. faster then I know! And then the second part is my Ed tells me to do things when I don't know how to handle my emotions. Doesn't matter if I'm sad/happy/mad just every part of you that you think of when you feel Ed has a way of leading the role. Whether it's now making sure I don't eat or that when I eat a small meal just everything and everything CAN NOT stay in!!!

With this I also feel like I'm making progress. Weird right?! I feel like I'm journaling I'm seeking help and I'm reaching out where before I just secluded myself so that noone knew and it's so easy to lie so then it wasn't a problem. Now I'm being honest. And honest hurts sometimes it really slaps you in the face but I trust in God. I trust that he's giving me strength to keep going .. that he has me here for such a bigger process and I just need to listen to him. And don't get me wrong that's hard also so.. ya.

Today with ed.. yep with Ed:) Specially after last night. Nights like that never help move forward. And it's not like I need to blaim someone else for something that was done or said but it just keeps me close to Ed cause Ed has always had my back!

I kinda feel like my posts have always been really neg. So I wanted to say something positive.. maybe it sounds vain but it's my way of pushing past Ed and loving myself..

I love my eyes.. I know sounds very vain yes but I do something I love:)

I love to sing.. I think I do it fairly well. Obviously not something GREAT but nice and I'm okay with nice..

I'm very compassionate! Can't stand seeing a homeless person or a child crying or knowing that someone is going without just not a life I want those people to go through! Just hurts my heart when I see people suffering!

I love to laugh and I love funny things to the fullest..
I love picking on the boys and playing with them and just making their life enjoyable. Making them feel special and loved.

Anyways Today was today tomorrow is tomorrow. Ed is with me and I know I want to kick his ASS to the side but it's also a hard thing to say goodbye to and let go of. So tomorrow we will see.. hopefully I can get a meal in:) Til then ..

Questioning ?!?!

So today I had my appointment with Kim (my t = therapist).. it was hard going. Specially cause I knew how slight of an improvement I've made.

It's hard! Everyone is constantly questioning me. Saying I'm not improving more I'm not doing more.. It's just another failure! Sorry I CAN'T LET GO!!!!!!!!!!! EDs been there more then you have tho so WHY DO YOU FUCKING CARE NOW?!?! It's just hard.. it sucks is a better word.. suck suck suck!

I mean it's not fun living like this. This is not what I wanted for my life. I wanted peace .. just peace. I'm not sure if anyone knows what peace is at this time .. People fricking are just bitches and asses! No one seems to care for one another they just let the other drown without another thought!

So yesterday was my hard day.. huge hard day at least for me. First went to the grocery store with the boys.. and I'm trying so hard to be more laid back with them so that's a struggle in it's own. Anyways.. The only check out is the 15 or less and well we had 32 (I know this cause the boys and I play this game my sis does hehe.. that you guess how many items when your paying so.. ) well this lady behind me comes up .. she has to be in her 50's maybe even more I don't know but she has 6 12 packs of soda and I say oh excuss me would you like to go before me.. as I'm just putting the milk up on the belt and she ack .. she gesters to the sign and I calmly but still with insurance say well there where no other lanes open. And it was just like why would you have to behave that way?!?! I just offered to let you go ahead of me what difference does it make then after that?? I just offered you to go ahead!!!!:) Like seriously! Wtf is that about!? So that started my day.. then it was to the pool with the kids.. which I don't like places I don't know why I go. (Actually I do because my kids mean more to me then I do to myself.) Well the kids had fun at least:) Got some dirtly looks .. not sure why. If is one things I do believe and ya it could because their my kids:) haha but I believe they behave well. Then last night.. that was the kicker! I had a friend tell me about this truck a trick .. and it's where the kids dress up and there are cars with their trucks opened up and then you walk around and get treats.. anyways because she was going to go (beforehand we were going to go bowling) but so I asked Ky if he'd like to do that. Of course he said yes. Well .. the way it all played out wasn't how I had planned.. My friend couldn't go.. so I end up with Ky and Zae by myself.. surrounded by hundreds. I don't like that many people!!!! I can't stand it at all! So to get to my point was we were standing in line for the bouncy house and these two ladies come over with maybe their children or just one of theirs not sure ?! But they like pushed their kids in front of everyone.. maybe I shouldn't have said anything I don't know ?? But I just calmly stated to them that I understand this whole thing is about the kids but at the same time you should be aware of everyone else. The one went to get the kids which they of course started to whine about it (who wouldn't?!) and I just said that wasn't my point they are there let them go but next time just be aware of the people that are there in front. My concern with me on questioning myself is what does it matter too?? Oh okay I get to stand in line for another 3 more minutes .. OH WELL:) But on the other hand it's why are you going to not understand other people are here and be frickin considerate!! So lost with that choice. But it's done and said so .. on to the next.. haha

So today has been trying.. which usually results in tomorrow being the same. I don't know why. I can't say why I allow one day to lead to the next but I do. Actually Kim said she couldn't see me for another 2 weeks so ED kicked in and said see you have at least one more week with me. Who does that?? Me that's who:)

It's like one more last chance. One more time I get to date you and one more time I get to have 'us'. Of course 'us' is poison and we actually suck together.. we are just not good for one another but for some reason I just long to make it work.

On another note.. Tom and I argued tonight.. at least our arguments have gotten better. (not sure how that makes sense but ya lol) We just don't scream at each other anymore.. try to speak with one another. I think that's an improvement.. I dont know I guess.. Life.. fun isn't it?! But now I'm up awake and can't sleep .. he's sound asleep which annoys me but it is what it is ...

Okay this is my day .. long day! Past two days actually but ya:) hoping tomorrow will be better but I really don't think so.. I hate that too!

Frustrated

So today .. okay here we go:)

First I wake up to Tom kissing me on the cheek which is wonderful but it's also almost a quarter after 8 .. He stopped by cause he was on his way to a job that went by the house. And so he says don't go downstairs. Theres OJ everywhere .. then he comes back up and said that they broke my candle. I was just to tired to argue with any of them. Whether it was them or the cats.. whatever fine... well I mean not fine but still..

So I got up to mopping the floor with OJ and the sweeping glass.. garbage. I don't get these guys. Some days they wake up and I can't hear them for my life and others they destory the house without me even knowning. Specially lately. Really ever since I started my recovery. Which then just makes me question everything too.

Like why should I go down this road?? For what.. ya I'm going to get fat and be lonely and like stupid. Ed is all I have right now .. HE'S ALL I HAVE!!! No one gets that! No one unless they have ed. It's like trying to explain to just someone how my mind thinks is annoying! Just because they question me and think that I'm like insane or crazy. Well yes I am crazy. I'm crazy with wanting to just be happy!

But I'm not sure what HAPPY is.. My happiness is just calm. Being able to just look at things and smile. To see my children and just smile. Oh and again the Sky.. god that is beauty. To me that is the greatest gift God ever gave me!! Well besides my beautiful wonderful but trying children oh I LOVE them to death! Even when I just want to go insane!!:) haha

I just don't know what to do right now. I'm scared without Ed and I don't want Ed. I think that without Ed I would be just so happy and just 'normal' and right now I feel lost! If I lose Ed what happens then?!?! I really just don't know.

So yes I'm frustrated and mad and skin is crawling wanting to just punch something or scream .. Just hating this feeling!!

Explaining Myself

I always feel like someone is question my intentions my thoughts my.. just everything! Good lord. It's like why can't you just accept ME!?

The problem is too is the me that I think I am isn't what everyone things I am. And it sucks!! Heres me.. I love to smile, I love my eyes, love laughing and stupid things, actually like to cry at a movie .. (not a lot lately tho cause crying and me have become too much), I love to give. I see a homeless person and I just feel so much for them. Here's a good story or at least I love it! Kyler and I had gone to Walmart to buy a gift for a friend of his. We are at the light and a lady has a sign that says she's homeless.. I had money but for some reason that moment I was like I don't want to give her money. (specially down here sometimes you just don't know but I still will do it but ya..) Anyways I stopped and told her that I would buy her some lunch if she liked and she was just like yes anything sure whatever. So just ran right close buy and bought her a meal at just a fast food .. got the whole combo thing and Kyler kept asking questions. (he's 6.. 5 at the time) so we go back to give her the food and she's like thank you so much you are so kind. As we were driving away Kyler said she said we were kind. I said yes she did. And he goes I'm going to take all my money and buy her a house so that she has a house. And it was just a good moment. Made me feel proud that he's going to have a kind heart.

When it comes to me explain things.. Like for instance and example is last year spring time, Brayden is at his baseball game. And yes these people were annoying and obnoxious but with that .. it was about their kids and not them. They really did have some good kids. Well so the first week the dad is just over the top annoying!! And I complain to Tom about it. Well then the next game his kid hit a homerun and I make a comment like that's gotta make you proud. Tom thought I was saying it negatively which I wasn't. I was honestly just being like you know you feel good when your kid does well or is proud, your proud. At least for me I am. So he was upset with me and it's like I can't do anything right!! I also then start thinking that maybe it was wrong and questioning myself is what has gotten me to this point.

I hate that part! Absolutely hate it! It's just like okay I suck I know I can't do it right .. always just something right?! Can't do this or that or if I'm starting to like what I'm doing well guess what again you suck comes in! Even with this blog at first it's like oh your not doing this or doing that right .. your not making it so that people want to read it .. well tough shit then don't read it! For the most part I probably would not meet most of you.. oh the other hand some of you might actually enjoy it or relate to it .. ?!?

I just hate every day feeling like I have to tell someone why and how I think. I don't know why. It's hard to explain too because after so long of just holding in everything it's just how do you expect me to speak words and rationalize how and why I feel the way I do. That might come off wrong also.. it's not that I don't mind explaining to people the thoughts that Ed takes and goes with and why I just follow along, but I hate when people think that this is just easy.

When I say people I say my mother. It's so hard to put her down because I do love her but she constantly does things .. says things that just put me down and she doesn't even realize it. And last week when I begged her that I needed her.. she just thought I needed her in person. She didn't even understand that I just needed her to support me. I've just always wanted her to stand behind me and say it's okay .. we'll do this together. But.. ya. Today on the phone she says to me it's just like quitting smoking. Really cause you smoked almost my entire life.. haha. And tried to quit how many times?!?!? Ya it's that simple. Right.

Right now I'm just sad. I know that I have to leave Ed but I really don't want to. Ed's been my backbone. Been the only one ever there.. no one else..they all left. And that's why I say that I'm surprised Tom has stayed. I've tried to push him away too. I look back now and I see where I had that thought in my head well he's just going to leave too just wait it's going to happen. And he's proven me wrong. It feels really great!

So Ed and me are fighting and he's winning the battles. He's really good.. really strong and I'm weak right now.

Hopeful.. Wishful.. Allowing myself to Love myself

So my sister in law contacted me.. she's something I can say that. I don't get her. She's just so one of those people that if one thing is said wrong she just rolls it off. I wish I could have that. And she just makes me smile.. a lot. She's so funny.

If your reading this you know. I hate this for you. I really do! I wished I could take it all away from you. I'm sorry .. I completely hate it for you! Not only for you but for your family!! It's hard on both parts!

Okay and as for me at least there's going to come at least one or two maybe three possible four times that you go to them and somehow someway they disappoint you.. Not sure what to say to that...

Except that you meet wonderful beautiful people .. that just make you smile and make you want to help them so much and walk this life that we are walking. And it isn't an easy walk. It's not a normal walk.. well why should I say that I don't know what a 'normal' walk is. But we are here.. here for each other!!! If anything we can at least understand each other. The thoughts the words the moments ..

So still just stuck with Ed but wanting to push thru.. eventho it'll be a hard challenge. Hoping others will understand it's not the food! Take care loves to you all!!!

Lying

What a horrible hurtful word right?! At least I think so..

But with that I'm good at it.

In high school no one ever really questioned anything so it didn't matter. And when I needed to lie oh gosh Ed steps right in to take the role. He's so well at it and knows exactly what to say and do. Knows how to make my eyes be convincing and just be 'tough'.

Now when it comes to the times that truth was actually being spoken that was me. I felt like I was just going to be open and honest .. just be me. Just about every time I've gotten slapped in the face with it so Ed has always been right on just to lie and let him take control and the role.

It's getting really hard right now too because I want to be forthcoming and honest and open but yet it just keeps pulling me down cause I'm so upset with myself. I don't do it right I'm not satisfying people with my recovery I should be this or that. And reality is I'm just me. I'm trying to love me!

It's hard because Ed steps in a lot! And when I mean a lot I mean A LOT!!!! It's well then they don't matter if they don't want to like me or understand me then that's their loss and Eds saying that a lot too but also it's well you weren't GOOD enough. If only you'd done this or done that .. it's you your the reason why it fell apart!!!!

And it's a hard thing to let go. It's not this light switch that you simply turn on and off and too with that with your control!

Trying to fight Ed is overwhelming and tiring! It basically has consumed me. And I'm not even at that point of doing good or well. All I can make myself do is something simple. But with that too I'm trying to tell myself that that's something more then I've ever done in 17 yrs so I have to take that and build. Only probably is dealing with building.

Back to the Lying.. I lied growing up saying that I didn't have Ed. Well you know when your younger you hide things. But when I was 17 I told my mom and she said "I knew". And that was it. I honestly have never known what to think on it.. was she just being a bitch to say that she was right or was she saying that she knew cause she was waiting for me to come to her.. ?!?!? A question that'll never be answered. But from then on it was just to hide every time. Anytime someone asked I denied and said that I had overcomed it. Maybe cause I desperately wanted to overcome it!

In college .. I only told two friends at two serepate times .. both who well one I worked with and one I worked for. They both threw it in my face after awhile. Each on of them told other people only to knock me down. So now .. I've hated telling people. I mean it's been 7 yrs since the last time I told someone and now I'm responsible. And some way some how this is going to bite me in the butt!

So this is why I talk about lying.. I hate liars! Absolutely hate it! But in the same since people that you try to trust take what they hear and throw it right in your face.. seriously why trust someone else??? It's a hard thing to understand especially with Ed whispering in your ear!

To talk about today.. Ed was there for me again. Went out to lunch with a I guess friend. An acquaintance more of the so. But the place was just not what I was intending so then Ed just goes and runs and I have earmuffs on and just listen to him. Hoping tomorrow will be better but tomorrow is tomorrow and I can't worry about that right now. I did make sure I got an ensure in so at least it was something for the day.. something.. ug.

Just Another Day

I don't have the stregthen! I feel so weak and doomed and tired.. Just weak!

I can't do it. I don't know how. I know they tell me to go to treatment but I have children to worry about. And also they say do it for my children .. well when I don't do it for my family it just puts more pressure on me and makes me feel more like a failure. A complete disappointment.

Tom has honestly wowed me lately. In the last couple months eventhough I still get frustrated with him, he I know is the only one on my side. Which helps so much! It's almost disgusting=) I just don't get it.. why .. why stay by me??! So it's definetly been a nice/weird/awkward feeling..

Only problem is that it also makes me feel really guilty and really like I 'can't' do it.

Soo... today. Ed grabbed me .. took me by the hand and said it's the best way. Look at all this crap your dealing with and you never had to worry about it before. Just keep coming with me and you'll be fine. The boys will be fine they will have no problems with their school work or contacting their teachers or contacting coaches.. You'll just keep pushing forward.

And Tom.. he won't say anything. He'll just keep looking at you thinking that your beautiful... again .... dot dot dot..

I've had so many people hurt me in my life and I don't know why I've ever allowed it. And Ed just keeps being there.. The only one I can count on. Ya he destroys me too be he's at least only dependable. I hate him and love him all at the same time. I want to erase him in my life so badly but right now I've lived with him so long that it's a hard road to move forward.

I really wished today I could have posted that I ate 3 meals and 3 snacks. And that I was 'normal' .. unforunately .. nope didn't happen. I ate breakfast .. just a nutra bar with 8 oz of OJ and freaked and from then on disaster happened.

Hopefully someday I will be able to come on and be confident with my eating and be proud of it and show that food isn't a BIG thing .. it's just food. And that a person isn't determined by a number and that we are special because we are all just us. I long for the day right now.. until then..

Guilt

Today.. hah.. ya whatever.

I feel so sad constantly. I feel like I'm longing for something or someone and I can't get it. And then I just want to drown.

Tom has been so patient with me. It's finally I mean after 8 years I'm finally feeling like he loves me and he's there for me. That he'll always be there for me. I hope so anyways .. !?

Ed .. oh he and me we go way back. Gosh it's been close to 18 years and I just .. I know him he makes me feel better. So stupid to say it all in the same but he really does make me feel like I'm doing the right thing. Idk.

This last week has been a trial. I'm so scared and so sad to let go and trust that it's something more. That food really isn't going to make me lose everything. But at the same time I'm fighting saying once you eat you will lose. Like look what you've done.. you finally did it right you go there you did it. You see yourself and you are beautiful. What am I going to be without Ed? Disgusting?! It feels that way.

So Tomorrow.. ug tomorrow! I promised Tom I'd try so I have to hold to my word. I promised. I can't let him down. (hi ed..:) always there huh! can't ever let something go wrong.. perfect no matter what it is..)

Only thing is I suck at being 'perfect'. I really suck! It's like I took a class or something. Oh but then that's where I'd be perfect again cause I learned so much to master it.

It's funny too.. no not really funny but I always use the word funny. But that I have to make this blog 'right'. I have to somehow need to make it to others. No .. and that's what I'm trying to accomplish.. still haven't. But ya I'm going to mistype or I'm going to not address to you or just idk.. sorry that's me. And you know I want me. I want to be okay with me. Ya I don't do this or that all the time and I screw up but I see myself and I'm trying desperately to love myself.. I am going to love myself.

Ed is right now is behind the wheel.. has been. But this last week I've gone full blown. I can't not. Just every little thing bothers the shit outta me and the way that my body reacts is just overwhelming. I seriously will feel my arms just gain tension and my hair stand up and it's like that all I can do .. that's it. I have to!

I did get my meal plan started this week.. so tomorrow oh.. tomorrow.. I don't even want to think of tomorrow. I'm going to try to fight ed.. I hate it only cause I do believe tomorrow I can but then Tuesday I'm screwed! But I'm trying my hardest not to think of Tuesday, And even tomorrow!

Well I guess hopefully tomorrow I can fight Ed and things will be in .. ug I was going to say in a better state but that's just stupid to say!

So to sum it up .. Ed and me are still in this relationship. I can't seem to let him go.. and I feel like I'm betraying something.. myself ?? him?? just something. I feel alone and just sad. Hurt. Hate the feeling all at the same time! But that's today ..

My House and Home Gone in a Moment

5:36 a.m.
BOOM.. I shot up. Lights on I figure dad had just dropped a box .. box of something..

Lay back down, Bobby yells Fire. FIRE. I'm scared and wanting to just run. I'm wearing just a pj shirt and underwear. I run out in the garage and the hole garage door is down. Sheetrock (which at that time didn't really know the name of it) was all on the floor. I'm looking everywhere and feeling lost. I go further outside to my dog in his cage and he's crying and I tell him it's okay we're okay your fine. Then all the sudden I get the feeling.. There's someone in the house there's someone to kill us. He's in the stairwall to the downstairs..

Instantly I come in the garage start walking up the stairs but then there's Bobby.. and it was like a peace came over me.. until.. He said Mom, and I looked down and there was blood drops. His hands, he flipped them over and they were cut open.. wide open and I felt helpless. I couldn't do anything. I just had to stand there .. wondering .. not knowing. Then he got his hands wrapped in our white dishclothes by mom so that we could go into the hospital.

Driving in.. omg.. it was just mom, bobby and me. I was in the backseat in the middle trying not to cry. Wondering what the hell just happened. Bobby started to say about how bad it hurt, Mom was saying it would be okay.

We pull up to the hospital and Denice and Mark (who I babysat for the children) lived across the street. My mom says to run there to tell them to call the fire department. Okay ,.. so I also had on socks and when I ran up on their porch I slipped and fell. And I instantly had to laugh. Like someone was watching and it was like oh haha I'm good:) I meant to do that type of thing.

I remember walking into the house .. I remember Mark calling the department and saying oh okay so they are already called. And right then the whistle went off. I hated that moment. It was like it's my house and my dad is there and I don't know what's going on!!!!

I don't remember for about 30 mintues or an hr maybe then. I don't remember walking outta Denice and Marks house. I do remember sitting down on the couch and just wanting to cry but trying so hard not to. The next thing was my mom saying to go to the store to get pants and a shirt and bra so that I could go to school.

I hated school that day. I mean we live in a small community so at school they had this whole poster with Bobbys name and everyone signed it. I remember signing it. I could tell you exactly where I signed it. Right under the B on the left side of his name. I HATED SCHOOL THAT DAY!!!

To go back a bit. I first showed up and Denise and Danielles house that morning.. around 7:30 a.m. told Carol that hey that fire whistle .. that was for my house. And getting questions of what happened and I was like I don't know my dad is out there still and Bobby is in at the hospital. !??! I walked up the hill like always.. wondering about Bobby.. feeling like some way some reason he was gone. Luckily I didn't lose him. But in a way I have now.

Anyways. That day was hard. And after that. We lived in a hotel room for a month. Bobby and I in one room and my parents acroosed. I love it. It was nice to have him there. He was like my pretector. He'd screw around with the remolts and turn off the tv with our controller. Just made me laugh and feel 'normal'.

Then we moved into the trailor.. and my room was right next to the furnice.. ummm.. fuck no! Not going to sleep there.. so I slept on the pull out couch. And I remember watching Shaq play that year with Bobby. I never did like Michale Jordan.. I dont' know if that's something Bobby might have said that I took and ran or if that was my own personal thought but I do know he liked the Shaq and that was it it was set in stone. Always will forever love Shaq.

The year after our house got rebuilt, that day .. a year from (Oct 27) I believe anyways.. I couldn't stay there. I went and stayed with a friend. And even that night I stayed up all night long for the most part. I remember thinking that I would lose everyone.. that no one should have stayed there that night. Nothing happened tho..

That night and day took a lot from me. I felt proud to have survived but also hurt that now I have to deal with crap. Crap that a child shouldn't of had to deal with.. questions hearing of arguements feeling like today .. now your going to die. Up to that point I hadn't ever thought about dying. At least not really.. that day was an impact, and something I haven't gotten over.. Obiviously!

So to finish the story.

My brother physically turned out well. Thank God. Him and I now tho.. it's weird. awkward. He was like the stone that stood next to me. The one that I felt would always have me if I was falling would push me back up. Now he questions me .. maybe he should I don't know. I just know the times he made me smile. The times that it was him and me against it all and just the two of us. I am mad at him .. no I'm not mad I'm hurt but mad is easier..right?! And I don't .. I can't tell him that I am. So hard and nothing will change that. I miss him but I also feel he needs to reach out to me if that's what he wants. I miss so much of him.. him laughing playing with my kids.. being an ass and just laughing. He was my happiness growing up and I miss that. I dont know. !?!??! I'm lost right now.

Unknowing of how Ed comes in..

So I thought I'd try this whole telling my story.. Not sure if it'll do anything or what but at least I get to speak. Well type:)

I don't know when Ed started.. the thoughts I mean. I definetly remember the day I started that will be a mind mark that can never be erased. Wished that it could but no one can take that memory away until the day I die.

My life really wasn't that 'bad'. I'm not sure what caused me to go to Ed.. to rely on Ed. I do remember hating my one older brother Bobby, God.. always it was my fault and he was also the one being responsible. I'm sure for him it's okay. We're kids come on I get it but all in the same Fuck it wasn't me. I remember getting slapped for breaking a glass that I honestly trust did not.

One of my most rememberable times was when Bobby and I were downstairs and granted it's in a older house but it had trim on the up part.. anyways Bobby knocked it down but then said it was me that did it. So my mom said to my dad to spank me (bare butted cuz that's the only way.. right?! Ya..) 10 times. He took me downstairs and I was crying the whole way.. specially cause I DIDN'T DO IT!!! He bent me over his knee and spanked me once and said to keep crying so that mom 'bought it'. It was that day.. He was on my side! I had someone. Unfortunately I never went to him..He just wouldn't understand.

Then the house 'exploding'... I mean I guess it did.. that's what they said. Long story short.. put sidewalk around the house worker drove spike into far punchered the gas line .. leaked.. came back in.. furniance kicked on .. boom. Brother Mom Dad and I were in there .. My Brother they said would have had his head on fire and his hands/parts of feet/ears had 2 and 3rd degree burns. Me perfectly fine. Happened earlier in the morning .. I actually had to go to school that morning. I was in my jams and went down to the store that morning to get clothing so that I could go to school. I hate that day. Everyone was asking me how Bobby was and I had no idea. My brother was in the hospital and I didn't know if he was dying or what I had no idea. I was scared and had to put on this pretend face.

After that I was surprised. I mean not to say that my brother made a full recovery but him and I got really close. Watching basketball games together and playing games. It was like me and him against the world in a way. Btw I have sister and 3 other brothers. But Bobby and me .. I had his back he had mine. It felt great.. He left tho.. And I don't know.. I don't wnat to 'blaim' him but at the same time I do.

The one thing I'll never forget and I don't know if I've forgiven.. I got pregnant when I was 19 .. I don't think he ever looks at it from my point of view. I lost my scholarship I lost playing a game I loved.. I lost friends for my son. I lost a lot. And then he says Fuck you and hangs up. I called you to tell you. I wanted to tell you f2f but you hadn't come back home in time. I had to go back to work. I wanted to tell you before the rest of the town told you. And you say Fuck you?!?!?!? You know fuck you!!!! That's not fair! And then haha you get ur gf pregnant and apologize to me for saying that. I didn't deserve that. And I love my sister in law and my neices and nephews so I don't say anything but I really didn't deserve that!

My mom has done a lot and at the same time done so much to hurt .. and I fear I'm doing the same thing. Another impact my mom did was well my sister was pregnant in highschool. She got engaged to the guy (so happy it didn't work out!) but there was the one night I can't ever get outta my mind. Mom, Dad, Kim, Cody in the dinning room yelling.. Well Mom yelling. I heard Dad too. I was 11. I was 11!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's not what I should hear.. take it the fuck outside!!! I should not have heard my sister crying coming into our room to grab the fucking ring box! Crying. Oh man I hurt for her then. I was so pissed at my parents. They ruined my sisters life. That's how I felt at that time. And maybe Ed was coming in then.. maybe before. ?!

Ed has always been my reliablity! Also my only.

Always been my only but I would like to get rid of him. I mean I said that but at the same time I'm hesitent. He's been my only. Granted he hasn't treated me well but he's been there .. Always! But I do want more. I know I want more. I don't want to die. Not like this. I'd rather die in a car wreck or accidental something .. I don't want to leave my boys knowing their mom was this way. That makes me sad!

All in the same tho I can't say goodbye. 17 yrs.. to say no today I'm better.. hmm. ya.. that's like a joke. I'm having such a seperation problem. I mean it's like a child going to preschool or daycare the first time and just crying saying "pleasing don't leave me!!!!!!" that's where I am.