What a Weekend!

Well went home and at first I was excited to see everyone. Specially considering all but my two brothers knew about it. I was nervous to eat, because I had a feeling that they were going to be watching my every move. Which guess they did. But obviously I ate because I gained 6lbs. But no, of course that's not good enough.

When they confronted me about Ed they had some questions and I was like okay I can do this no problem. It really wasn't all that bad. But it would be like I was trying to word my questions in a way that a person who doesn't understand Ed would understand it. My one brother told me I look like shit and I just laughed and said a.. ya that doesn't help. Another brother was like just eat. Again that isn't that simple. It's like I can't get thru to them and they are just like you get to control your life you get to decide. Meaning decide whether or not to live or die.

I was surprised how supportive my mom was tho. Which was a bit unusual. My sister said that I went and purged a sandwich that I ate (which my mom had already asked me and I told her no) but no one was going to believe me until my mom said no she already told me. But it's like okay the bathroom is not only used for one thing in my life.. sometimes I actually use the toilet to go # 1 or 2. Specially considering how much I was eating there. What was kind of funny to me, she was like there was this book on Dr. Phil and I was like ya I know Jenni Schaefer. I'm like got the book .. read it. Trying to use the tools that she talks about. But then my mom still writes it down on a note. So, Idk if she believed me or was just making sure just in case. Oh well not sometimes I'm worried about:)

Then it sucked because the second night my sister got into it with me. She's very pushy about me going into treatment .. and it's just not going to happen. She's telling me things are not working obviously with my team. Well, that's my decision to make. I kind of figure that if I do look like 'shit' it's because I'm working thru all my emotions. Oh and when I told my family that I'm working thru things, I had some of them say just get over it. Move on. Cuz you are the ones with the degrees or know anything about Ed. Got it. But back to my sister and my convo. I started to get like heated up and so when I do that now I just have to remove myself from the situation. It's been whats best for me. It's not saying I can't come back to the convo later or the next day, just it has to end right there and now cause I can't go forward. Well she got pissed and left. My sister-in-law went after her and after awhile I went outside. I apologized that I had to remove myself and that if I said anything that hurt her but it's me.

This is what I find hypocritical. After I thought that things were smooth I asked for a hug and she said she wouldn't give me a hug cause she's not fake like that. I was to say the least shocked. I asked to hug my sister because I loved her. Not to say that it was fake, but I guess whatever. I like how it was okay for her to say that she wouldn't give me a hug, but I can't decide to leave a situation that I felt was about to get out of hand !? Guess your choices are more important and what not then mine are for myself.

Now I'm just wondering how I am going to let all this effect me. Or where my relationship with my family will continue. How much I am willing to trust it again.

quirks

So I'm slowly learning to love myself because of my weirdness. And I'm actually getting proud of them.

For one.. is listening to music and that my boys .. ya boys are singing:) they like to play the piano. Eventho they won't listen to me on teaching them .. they just bang on the keys. I figure whatever your only 4 and 7 .. just have fun for now. I figure too that they like to sing more then anything so ya. The other part that I love about them is when I'll play music I'll have it turned blaring and we'll just dance like idiots!:) Just whatever we want to do. Frickin Zae the one day started to do the robot.. it was hilarious!!!! I just love making them feel comfortable in their skin and who they are.

My quirks are the one thing that have always held me back. That have kept me with ed. No one seems to ever see me for ME. I might say the wrong thing at the wrong time, but never on purpose. This is not what I wanted for my life. Just hard now because it's become my life. I want to change it. I know that I can change it. And maybe it's wrong of me to think that I need less of something else so that I can concentrate on fixing me. When I say fixing I mean getting healthy and being good with that.

I still don't understand how ppl can eat food without having a thought of it. Just why is it after I eat a strawberry (for an example) I'll immediately start to kinda panic. And ppl can sit down like Tom and eat a whole cheeseburger and fries with no worries. Really wished I could turn back time to be that type of person.

But back to my quirks is .. well I'm different. And I'm supposed to be different. I'm not supposed to be like you, or what you think I should be. My mind tells me who and what I am.. I really hope that believing this will help me thru things. 

Vaca Time

So to be honest .. well now that I'm back I'm disappointed. We ran around it seemed nearly every day until the last day was actually one of my favorite times. Just to be able to sit out in the sun and relax. Plus too it didn't help sleeping at night with Tom. That guy is a pain in the ass to sleep with. If it's not snoring I'm getting hit in the face with an elbow. So annoying!

But the kids had so much fun that you can't complain too much :) They were so excited and just had a good time. Zaelur was hilarious on how excited he was about everything. Including going on roller coasters.  He did have to hold onto me but standing in line he was just like OH YA. And afterwards he'd do the same. It was cute!

But here comes the neg. I was hoping that I would eat. And I did.. at times. But going and running really more allowed me to not eat. Plus to the food that they offer is just disgusting. They really need to come up with something better. Also, it upsets me because Tom knows I don't like hamburger and I don't like Pizza .. which is like what he can live off of.. yuck! But it's like what we have to look for to eat because he wants it. Sometimes I think I want a bite, yet as soon as I do I want to just vomit.

So heres the bigger deal. I leave in two days. And I know I'm going back more for the family, yet I also know that they are going to be watching me and my habits .. maybe calling me out maybe not. It's just frustrating to think of it tho. I keep trying to tell myself it's not til Friday don't stress about it now, and yet I can't help it.

The other problem I am having is that .. well I don't know if it is from hitting my head the other week or if it's because of Ed, but recently at night when I awake I can't see. Like at all. It's all black. And when I say black I mean black. I can't see figures or anything. I know I should go to the doctors but I really don't have the money and I'm just hoping it'll go away. The only thing is that my grandmother did go blind so I'm not sure if it's something that is running down the line or if it's just because of the hit on my head. I know I know.. stupid that I shouldn't just go to the doctors and find out .. which when I come back if that is the case I will go. Just right now I don't want to see a damn doctor. I don't like them. I didn't like them in South Dakota and I hate them even more here in Nevada! They truly suck!

It's just weird tho, because if I get up to go to the bathroom and as long as I turn on the light my vision comes back just fine. So I don't know if it's because of my black eye and the fact that I stayed inside for the last week, and then went out into the sun for 4 days that it caused this and my eye is just now adjusting, I mean it did do it the second day in Ca. but I figured it was just .. well not I didn't figure anything I didn't know what was going on. Just hopefully I'm stressing about nothing.

Well, wish me luck this weekend!!! I def. need some prayers!

YAY!:)

Beach here comes my ass:) haha!!

I did pack foods that I was comfortable eating cause I really .. I can't describe it. I don't want to be questioned and I don't want to feel like I need to go purge it either. So I'm glad that I woke up this morning at 5 and maybe a .. no a lot tired I thought of taking the good foods. Now the test is if I actually eat them. :(  Only because I know the only things that are going to be close to eating are going to be like fast food and oh hell no! And the thing is too is that fast food has truly nothing to do with my Ed, it's just plain and simple that I don't like it. Nor have I ever. It tastes nasty!

Anyways, positive thoughts today:) Beach day. Although with a black eye it kinda sucks but hey move forward hah! I can not wait to be on vaca and hopefully just smile for once in a long time that isn't forced or because I am laughing but because I am actually just happy to have that moment. Which now makes me cry. God I'm such a cry baby. :P But seeing my kids laugh and smile cause they are having a great time just makes me feel like I am giving them something that I never had. And it's really rude to say that but it is also the truth. Most of my memories are with my friends.. which are not all bad or anything like that but just different if you get what I mean.

Well, I better finish packing up here and trying to repair this eye so that hopefully I don't get so many looks ?!?!? Please at least. Damn thing needs to heal!! But I'm looking forward to this weekend and just laying in the sun and just hearing laughing and hopefully no fighting, crap there it goes again with negative.. never ends! Flippin Ed! Always finds a reason or why.

Okay. Wish me luck on having a good vaca:) And shoot good with Ed. I don't like saying that really.. a.. but.. said it .. it's done. Um.. anyways. Done lol

Decisions

I'm almost at the point where I want someone to take over for me. I'm obviously not capable of making the correct ones. It's just like as soon as I make a decision something back fires on me and then I'm in more a distraught mind set then I was before and I can't let it go.

So, not only is my eye black and blue .. incredibly so. And I'm refusing to go outside to have someone see me. Who gets in a fight with a toilet.. Me that's who. I'm apparently horrible at it too! haha. Well, I have been getting headaches after I do something, like clean and then I'll have to lay down and I've just been trying to get as much rest, putting ice and heat on my eye hoping that by Thursday it doesn't look so bad. I really don't need to draw ANY attention to myself. But so what I was getting at was I found out the other day that my whole family is gathering and then yesterday my brother calls to tell me he'll fly us up to be there. Obviously Tom would not be apart of the conversation that my family would have together, but even then Tom can't make it because of work. And then too I was just confused. I don't want hand outs and I appreciate the fact that he would offer this and I want to go home at the same time. But nothing is set in stone either so I have no idea what's going on. I just feel guilty, but I want to see my family. It could be the last time I see my dad.

Well, I cried and talked with Tom, then thought you know I'm going to call my mom. She did say she would like to see me but that she really didn't think that anything from this meeting was going to settle anything and that there probably would be another .. to just wait for that. She made me feel more comfortable with the choice I made that I would not go back and just either be on speaker phone or skype to be apart of the convo. Then I call my brother and he's like pretty much saying no I need to come. Talked with my sister and she did say I could skype but that she thought I should be there as well. Now that just puts everything up in the air.

I'm not sure if something will happen like it did last summer and I get into an argument and right now without Tom being there I don't know if I could handle that. I really am an emotion wreck right now. (might be an understatement hah)

I know if I went back I would get to see Brayd, but he'll also be home soon .. it would only be another couple days. And then I just think about being home and getting thoughts out, walking around with no one around and just feeling free again.

Oh and then to top things off, ahh.. my mother-in-law stops by last night and Tom opens the door. I had no where to go. We had been talking about me going and so I'm sitting there going OH SH*T. I mean really no one buys this story of the toilet, and trust me if I had a different story it would come out. It's gotta be the stupidest thing that I could do to give myself a black eye. I mean seriously. It sounds like a lie to me.. only problem is it's not:( So then I have to explain to her what happened and then she's like well I came over to see if you wanted to go over to her other sons house to see the baby. And I just said I would love to but I really don't want to be seen like this. So now I wonder what stories I'll here next on how I probably got hit by Tom and that I deserved that too. Just not in the mood anymore. OOo.. tho:) heheh. My devious side hahaha. While she was here I threw in some dags about how I'm done with the drama I don't need ppl talking behind my back and saying things that just are not true. Ah and there was one more line I said but I can't think of it off hand anymore. I will as soon as I'm done here of course but ya I just was happy that I took that opportunity to call her out.

Okay, well, I will know by tomorrow what I'm going to do. If I do go home pray for me:) My kids will love it.. I know that much which just makes the decision even harder. They get to see all the cousins and then they just love being in the small town playing. They get to run wherever and they no that:p And then on Thursday we go out to Cali. I am hoping I won't have to cut that short, which I might if I have to fly out on Monday. Gosh .. just so much going thru my head! I hate it! Til next time.

Music

There's this song by Gotye -Somebody that I used To know. And for the beginning part I just love the song and just the sound. But listening to the words I put it into a whole different perspective. And I get if you watch the video its a boy and girl thing:) But I think of it as me and Ed. Or even some of my relationships. With that I mean friends and ppl that I dated.

The thing is I love listening to music. Specially lately. It helps me feel relieved or just calm. It helps me to get things out. (obviously listening to music now hah) There's just something about it tho that gets me to a place that makes me feel like everything will be okay, some day.

So I found out yesterday that the rest of my siblings are having a discussion dealing with my parents. Like what to do with everything after they are gone. Yes I am out of state and I wouldn't be able to make it there for it, but.. um.. hello, still their daughter! I don't even know anything really about it. All I know is my mom said they were having a 'pow wow' about their finances. I did say that I didn't think that was a good idea. That's just to me. I know my father is about to turn 80 but to discuss him as if he were to be already gone, I just personally don't like it. And why am I not involved in it at all?!?!

Well, actually I can pretty much answer that. I'm the baby. I know nothing! What could I add to anything. And maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Honestly, it's probably a good thing I'm not up there because I would say that I don't think it's our position to be involved and to let them make their own decisions. But I guess that's just me. I'm more worried about the time that I will not have with them then the finances after the part. I've already told my mother the other thing that I want from her or that she owns is the Christmas House collection that she has:) I said I didn't need money or anything like that. I wasn't going to argue with my brothers and sisters over anything (minus the houses haha.. just kidding as long as I get some :) ) And then last night I told her that I wanted to make sure that the house stayed in our family, which two of my brothers have already talked about. I just really don't want the house to be gone and our of our family..

So. Ya. All I know right now is I am the only one out of the 6 that has no idea on what is going on with this so called meeting of the family. And if there is one thing I've learned my mom is going to get pissed and my dad is going to go walking off laughing at them. So I just don't understand it. But hey what do I know, I'm the baby.

Thursday COME FASTER!

So like I mentioned Thursday going on Vaca. Probably not a right choice when it comes to money, but how I feel right now I desperately need it! I just feel like getting away from life right now will help. Not just with Ed, but with my marriage and my kids. There's something about children when they laugh and smile about something so small that just warms your heart. It's just like going back to a time where I actually was happy and I need that. I'm being selfish but hey they will have fun too:)

I just can't find a reason right now to get myself on track. You would think having a family that you would fight harder. And the hypocrisy part is that if someone were to try to hurt my children I would KILL THEM!!!!!!! And yet isn't that what I'm doing, I'm hurting them and I just kind of don't care. Ed has me so convinced that I'm better this way then I would be that way. The stupid arguments in my head are just tearing me apart.  Because it's like your worth more, and then something happens and it's like well that's why you got treated the way you did, cuz that's what you are worth. Nice try thinking you were something your not.

Tom and I have actually been on good turmoil. Which as of the last year for sure is surprising. But I'm hesitant on it. I don't know if I believe any of it yet. I would like to but they do say that the past behaviors usually show the future behaviors. So, again it's hard. Like Ed keeps saying really your going to be that stupid again???? Your falling for it! Come on! Where the me part is almost desperately wanting it to be true that then I just start to cry. I feel like I'm going crazy.

My Ed has been my protector. The one that says don't cry, you can't show your weakness because they are just going to take more of it from you. They are going to see that and just shove the knife in a bit deeper so be strong and fight. Where the me of myself is a different person. It's a person that can see a homeless person and cry because I can't help them get a house. If I was just living on my own I think I would tell as many as possible to just come crash on my floor, but because I have my kids I hold back. I constantly give money to them, which Tom doesn't like because we really don't have money to hand out.. I just can't help it. If we can figure a way to go on vaca even for 5 days, I can def. give a $1 to someone standing on the side or go get them some food.

All I know right now is that every day I cry. I'm tired of crying. I can't even believe I have enough tears to cry that much! And stupid crying makes me exhausted so I end up taking these little naps all day long. Plus too, I fricken okay don't like to admit it specially considering all that has happened in the past year, but I tripped over the damn cat and lost my balance to hit the damn toilet  .. ya.. now I have a black eye. It's swollen and hurts and I can't, well won't go out of the house because it looks like I got punched. Which is absolutely embarrassing! So that hasn't helped with me eating at all either. Ed of course steps in and says just rest instead of having lunch or for that fact anything. Now I just hope that it'll be gone by vaca. Was to go see my father-in-law today but that's absolutely out of the question. I can not be seen like this!

Okay well, I'm going to end this already. I don't know how to get on the right track anymore, I'm wishing and praying that it'll come slap me in the face and I'll get out of this rut.

IDK A FRICKIN TITLE:)

So I'm in a good mood, but yet I'm pretty sure that's because I'm tired. Mainly because when I'm tired I'm a little loopy that I just don't give a damn.

I haven't gotten to understand my Ed. Well I mean Ed to everyone it is Ed, but just a different Ed at the same time, or at least I think so ?!?! I say this because mine LOVES to buy food, to cook food, to imagine what it looks like but then will refuse myself to eat it. It's like the whole saying a kid in the candy store. Which is pretty funny considering I will allow myself to eat candy. I mean heaven forbid I have some chicken, but candy .. your good!

My biggest problem is shopping. I don't know if it's because I really don't go to the mall or to a other store other then groceries. Or if it is just because Ed takes me there. I have no clue. But when I buy food or it's ridiculous. I have so much food and well sometimes it gets eaten other times I'm just throwing it away and then I'm mad at myself for buying it. Plus, when I'm trying to fight Ed I buy the food that I think will be more of my safety foods, which then are more expensive, and long and behold I end up throwing that out because I go back to the way I am. It just sucks

The reason why I'm talking about this all right now is because I just .. well last week I just signed up for this delivery of food. One I was taking a nap but then I heard the guy talking to Tom about food and I was like OH, and then it's all this food that is freshly made the day before, so then I freak and buy buy buy!!!! It takes a day for it to come and it's in the nighttime (hint why I'm tired) but I'm putting things away and I'm like just happy, yet I know I won't touch it. And why? Like if I'm not going to eat anyways why do I keep buying food.. just frustrated. And why can't I just eat some and be okay?! I took a bit of the kids breakfast yesterday and then had to spit it out. Not because I didn't like the taste but because I didn't want it in me. It's becoming crazy that I don't like either!

On another subject.

Today, as of now if it works out.. I get to meet another person that has been fighting. This will be my first time meeting someone that also has Ed or had Ed rather. My thoughts are really positive too. I just have a feeling like to smile and not for it to be fake. Now I do worry about the conversations:) haha, only because usually they've dealt with Ed and it'll be in a busy place that it's not a place I would like to discuss it so haha. But I'm really looking forward to it. It's like a next step for me. Because I haven't gone to group meetings other then online and I haven't gone into treatment, that maybe this says something .. Idk.. guess we'll see.

Another positive in 6 days I'm on VACA:) WOOHOO!!!!! I really hope that the time away and being or at least trying to relax will help me come to grips. Hoping!

Well done for now:)

Here I go again, Hello Ed

So I feel like I'm in the HUGE depression. All I want to do is cry and scream at ppl.

The 4th of July was just a busy day, but it wasn't just that. I was fine in the morning and going to my brother and sister in laws. Wasn't so thrilled about eating, but that's just how I'm getting now. But then I get to find out that my mother in law is saying shit about me. It was like WTF?!?!?!?!? I was pissed. To hear some of the things that both of my b-i-l and s-i-l were telling me that my m-i-l was saying was like huh.. its only coming from one place. Tom. Of course he denies it and saying she's just making up shit. Which on one hand their were things that was said that I know better because it wouldn't make sense, but other things ... ya it definitely came from him.

And it's just like why, just when I figured out to handle my mom for the most part.. and that's only taken me 31 years of my life, I'm also then dealing with Tom and figuring out our marriage and what to do .. now I have to have this as well. I'm like ready to just run away to some place, Idk, live in a box by myself.

I just don't get my m-i-l.. I have dealt with this crap of her saying some things for quite some time. Most of it tho has just always been really pity bullshit that upset me but not to this point. The things she is saying is complete lies. And thank god that both my b-i-l and s-i-l were saying that they knew it was Tom running to her and what not. His brother even said he was going to talk to Tom and his mom about it because it needed to stop. I really appreciate that! Really I do, but at the same time it's like it should be my husband standing up for me. Specially considering I told him about 4 years ago about things that were said to me when they were at my house.

Oh and get this my m-i-l comes over yesterday, in which I told Tom I was refusing to be around her right now because I was worried that my mouth would get the best of me and it was just better that I would act like I had to go upstairs for some reason. Well, he didn't answer the door, and not only one time did she come but twice and both times tried to open my door. It's like .. no.. you just don't go about opening ppls door. At least it's not okay with me anyways. I would never do that.

Well all it did was make me spiral, I hardly ate when we did eat, and even then I made sure to come back to the house so I could purge it. Since then it's been downhill. :(

Positive thing .. which has NOTHING to do with my eating.. well ah.. it will crap.. anyways not thinking about that right now. Positive thing, Going to DisneyLand:)  I can't wait to sit on the beach and by the pool and to actually *fingers crossed* *knock on wood* have a relaxing nice time .. so that I can come home and maybe not be in the complete hole that I feel I'm stuck in.But I will have to eat out there and that might be frustrating, I'm hoping that I can get Ed out of my head for at least moments .. hoping.. might be stupid but still hoping.

4th of July

(just so anyone who would read this knows I actually did try to post it yesterday morning but the damn computer wouldn't scroll down or up so I could hit publish and I just said f*ck it:) )

I would add a pic but I'm on my sons computer:) haha...

The 4th is one of my favorite days.. Not so much this time around tho :/

Over the last year I've gone thru so much. Some of you know some of you don't. I've had a lot of trials that here I thought I only dealt with with my mother..

Growing up my mom said and hurt me a lot. I always hated her for it, still kinda do, but I also have some way or reason over came it all. (well not all, but at least I know how to handle her now.. the distance might have been a help as well) anyways..

Today is almost sad for me. I've been sad for awhile now. I cry a lot. I don't mind crying either, well I usually do it by myself so I don't mind to cry I don't find it weak or being a baby. But like I said I cry a lot by myself. Now when I'm in an argument or fight no way in hell do you get to see tears .. just not gonna happen. I keep going off on a tangent here because there is so much in my head I can't get it all out and this computer SUCKS!:) HAHAHA

But this day 9 yrs ago I stood on a hillside with my husband. We were only dating at that time, but I had never been to a firework show before. And it was the most beautiful calming thing I had ever seen before in my life. I fell in love with him that night. It's kinda hard to describe how I felt, but it was at that moment that I fell for him.

After this last year today is sad because I don't know what I need to do. I get hurt not only by my doings but by others, and I don't know if I need to walk away from them as well or if just getting thru Ed will get me into a better place with these ppl.

All I know is 1. I do want my marriage to work. I do want the love and respect that I think should be given. 2. I don't want to die this way. And 3. Once you get into my life.. truly get into my life, it's REALLY hard for me to let you go. I believe into trying every which way to work it.

So pray for me today. I know I'm going to cry. Funny how I feel so weak and whatnot but yet I still have the energy and the tears to come.

Happy 4th tho. I hope you all enjoy it!