Mondays

Okay so .. not sure why but when I think that I'm going to try and fight Ed, It all starts with MONDAY. I don't know why I have to do it that way, but it seems like the only way that I can. (maybe because of the incident ??! IDK)

Anyways, I want .. hmm.. okay I don't know what I want. I would honestly just like to think 'normal'. I would like to not have these feelings of everything and just be able to eat without even another thought about it.

So, I have my meal plan made out.. what does that mean .. Who knows?!? Definitely not Me!

I always seem to let Ed in and figure and twist things around so that HE can have the control for the week or day or moment .. whatever it is. I can honestly give him credit though because he does a damn good job at it! Not funny but kinda :)

Well lately I've found myself more weak and wanting to constantly sleep, eventho I don't tend to sleep. And that gives Ed this edge way where he can say and I'm just a zombie going okay. Not even thinking just doing.

Really don't want this. I mean who of us do? We all want better.. I know that! I just don't know how to crawl out of this whole that I seem to be in. And I'm scared of what's on the top.

Like, I know life should be better without Ed. But I can't see anyone not questioning what it is going to be like to actually FEEL. I just don't like that thought.

It's not that I don't want .. I don't know how to explain it. I want to feel but I also want to be numb. Mainly because I'm just over ppl hurting me. But I want to Live and I know that includes being hurt.. just don't know how to be ready for that. Or if I ever will be.

Anyways, Monday.. gosh that's hard to say. Why Idk.. but it is. *Fingers Crossed*

Monday here I come