Care Less

So I saw Kim yesterday.. not my sister my therapist. And I was honestly surprised that she didn't seem very happy about the couple days that I did do fairly well. I mean Monday I hate my 3 meals and 3 snacks, Tuesday and Wednesday I couldn't stand to keep dinner down but on Tues I at least at a snack afterwards. Thursday was horrible. I could have cared less about doing well, and same with yesterday. And now Saturday.. I feel the same. I could care less!

I mean I'm just sick of ppl hurting me. I'm sick of being hurt. I'm tired of trusting ppl to then just get the aftermath. I don't like ppl. They care nothing for me.. so why care for myself?!?! It doesn't make sense right?? I mean why do you have the right to hurt me.. if anyone has that right it's ME!!!!

The problem is.. I want to be healthy. Ya that's the problem:) I mean who says that.. right? But that's my difficult part. I do want to some way or another be able to eat without worrying about the aftermath. I want to start thinking clearly. I want to be a good mother for my children. And I know I can't be that person as long as I'm with Ed.

What sucks the most is I've gained 3 lbs.. ya those who don't understand this right 3 lbs is like gaining 100lbs .. it's crazy in your mind and it shows in everything you wear or don't wear. You can feel it on your body just by a touch or by sitting and feeling that uncomfortable that some fat roll is pouring out.

This is usually what causes me to go right back to Ed. I have to get back to that stage that I was at.. because I can't stand to feel 'that'.

But I hate it too.. I mean I have NO Butt!! Nothing.. it's like you can't even tell where my ass beginnings or ends.. its just like back into legs. I feel disgusted by this. So I know I need to gain weight but then my stomach is just going to go so far out that it's ridiculous! My stomach has always been my main point. The one thing I always look at to see if I'm actually doing a 'Good Enough Job'.

Anyways.. Idk where I'm at. It was nice on Tuesday.. getting thru Monday was really hard but Tuesday was nice throughout the day. I felt good and I felt like I was a good person. But it always leads to another thing.. where I let ppl affect me. I don't know why I don't know how to change it. I'm Stuck in this mode =/