Fight

Why is it I can't fight.. I don't know. I mean I can fight others:) That's a little apparent hah. But really when it comes to Ed .. that's such a task. It's not this simple punch or push and shove. It's this nonstop argument in my head all day long.. and the next day is usually even worse because it was you ate all of that yesterday and now today ?!?! Are you seriously?? Really??

Well, I want to take this blog into another direction. I have this friend..and yes you know who you are:) Your the only one in my 31 yrs that understands me before I even say anything. I wished I would have met you a long time ago, but I guess maybe you being a teenager then I probably wouldn't be as close as I am now lol.

You piss me off sometimes. Sorry you do. Don't talk about yourself leaving. I get that you are preparing yourself. I can't even imagine dealing with all that. I can't even say anything. All I can say is he doesn't have ANY right to take it from you. I didn't like seeing that .. sorry. And you don't be sorry!!!:) I'll keep hoping and praying and believing. You do what you have to but I'm not giving up until I hear the words. Not giving up!

See now to go back to fight.. I would fight (trying to now hehe) but I would do anything I could. I would have grabbed a hammer that day.. do you know that?! We already know where I've been so who really cares when it comes to the outcome :)

And no offense, I wished that I had as much fight for myself as I do when it comes to my kids, you .. Tom.

Guess maybe I'm waiting for someone to care that much for me. And I know you do. Also along with Tom and the boys. But no offense, it's just not enough. Like a little too long a little too late. And I think you'd understand what I'm saying.

It probably doesn't even need to be someone else. But it right now feels like someone else has to care, and no one does. I'm alone. Maybe I'm making myself alone also.. idk.

I have therapy on Friday. Also my doctors appt:( It's only Monday and I'm already tempted to cancel. Just don't know if I'm actually ready for recovery. I don't know if I ever was. It was nice last week eating and feel good about it, but then it just spiraled downward. So, I really don't know if I have the fight in me to deal with Ed.

I Just Don't Know.

Loves ya girlie tho:)