Ahhh

So I haven't been doing well at all. Last Friday my therapist wanted me to eat some, which I didn't do. She actually is going on vaca for the next few weeks so yep Ed jumped right in and was like well now you have a few weeks before you have to worry about fighting.

Then Tom the other night says lets do this together. Like he'll stop chewing and I'll start eating. It was like the wind got knocked out of me. This is how my life has been what will I be when it's no longer like that?!

I get it's Ed talking .. but ed's been there for so long with me that I think I depend more on him that I do Anyone else.




I know this is what I have to do. I have to believe and just throw my hands up and say that I believe in God and what he wants for me. I need to learn to listen and just Trust with every ounce of me and know that he is not going to lead me wrong.





But then again that's the hard part. Letting go. Trusting. Falling and knowing there's not a net. At least one that you can see.

I know I have to give it a try. I mean one way I could look at it is if it doesn't work I can always come back to this place. Ya.. not good outlook but it is one.

So I guess sometimes this week I'm going to try again. Hopefully I can get this under control and just be 'normal'.

So here's a positive

Not necessarily with my Ed, but maybe kinda .. somewhat.

We have these neighbors, in which I am never outspoken to others. I usually keep to myself quite often.

Well, Tom really hit it off with the husband, and long and behold the wife ended up working at the salon that I go to. (which my previous beautician stopped working to pursue another job.) So it really worked out.

Then we find out that they were going to be moving, but luckily now they are not. I don't know .. it just feels like it's a nice couple that Tom and I both can have someone around to just talk to and have a good time.

So me going outside of my comfort zone. I invite them to a possible dinner night or something soon. Now it's just me figuring out what to make what to do. Get someone to watch the kids:) Haha.. Hi Ed.. way to take control. lol

But I'm excited! I don't usually do these type of things. I mean I'll go to others when they invite, but to actually invite others to my house, that's a whole different subject.

And to think that I'm getting out of my shell that I have buried myself into .. it's nice. It's like one little stupid thing that makes me feel like I am trying to get away from Ed.

You know it's small things that produce the bigger picture. This is my small step. And it's small but big for me. So I'm going to take it. I'm going to be proud of it and be happy because of it. Now it's just actually picking a date and producing it:) haha. But I'm happy with it now. SO.. to me that's all that matters.

Dead

I know I just posted.. But I just can't help this

I'm glad you want your wife dead. Go ahead he says. I'm glad. Thanks.... Thanks!!

I fucking suck at this point. Why keep kicking me down.. WHY?????? Just fucking stop already!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a horrible person. That's how I feel. I can't be a mother. That's the first and most important person that I need to be. These children are dealing with too much shit that they shouldn't have to handle. And I keep dishing it out. I am not being the mother that I should be. I should be the protector and the one that makes sure that they are happy and enjoying every second of their life.

Then I am supposed to show them how a marriage should be. How that you have conflicts but you handle them in a respectable way and a loving way.

Instead.. ya.

And apparently to go further.. I am obviously a horrible wife.

I know I'll get angry. But there are a lot of times that I just feel like I can't make sense of what I say to come out in the right way. And then to have crap thrown in my face.. it's just like REALLY?????!!!

Like I am your wife .. protect me.. isn't that what you are supposed to do???? Your not supposed to tear me down also! At least that's how I thought of it anyways.

If it were not for my children, unfortunately death might not look so bad. And that's horrible to say. I hate to say that! It makes me ache! It makes me sad! All I can think is if I heard one of my friends say that I would want to grab them and pull them out of it and I feel so stuck.

What sucks that most is I love Tom. I do love him. I can't change him. But in a way I feel like I could. I understand what he's gone thru and I just want him to know that I am here if he wants me to be here. That I'm not walking unless he wants me to.

Thing is .. I'm starting to feel like he wants me to =<

I just don't know anymore...

Get Off My Back

Okay so it's hard enough to carry Ed.. I don't need to have everyone else on me as well!!

Keep telling me how I should of.. could of.. what was I thinking?! Leave me alone. God damn I don't do things right! Okay got the memo!!! I got it .. I suck what else do you want???? Just for gods sakes move on. Find someone else!



So Tom and I got married back in 2004. I had to change like everything when it came on our wedding. His sister couldn't wear this color and those people .. blah blah blah. I wanted the color purple. I was going to have Iris flowers (had that dream since I was 14). But nope instead.. didn't happen. Because Melissa wouldn't look good in purple. I only wished I had the strength that I do now that I would have told her tough luck this is MY colors deal with it or get out. Instead I ended up with a baby blue and pink. Probably two of my worst colors. I was just trying to satisfy my in-laws. I don't know why .. I can't even stand the thought.

I can't even stand even more then that the thought that my husband didn't stand up for me and say this is our wedding not yours! That this is what she wants not what you want.

Honestly I can't wait til Melissa gets married because I am SO going to pull the same shit. Except I'll do it more as a joking manner but I am definitely going to say well I don't look good in that color. (even if it is something like white or black lol).

So back to the whole thingie.. I just can't stand ppl constantly telling me what I am and am not doing right. It's like okay well when you get your life perfect then you get to have some type of opinion. Other then that.. Shut UP!!!

I am sick of listening to how horrible of a person I am and how I should be this or that. Well I'm not. I don't know what to say more then that. I AM NOT THAT! I am who I am.. take it if you want.. leave if you want. I am me. Deal or No Deal:)

Just tired of fighting.. I'm ready to be So done!!

If I could only shut my mind off!

So in a way it all worked out. It's nothing major that I'll have to go thru but it's still a lot of money. In one way, it's a $1000 punch.

I am glad for the most part it is over with but also that's when Ed jumps in and is like we'll now you can't move forward for another 6 months until this is all behind you. Then you can start working.

The last few months have been so hard on me. I am overly sensitive. I think every one is out to like damage me .. and Ed is the one talking each and every time.

When you've listen to Ed for so many years it's hard to think that there is something other there. I really just don't know.

I definitely see where people say 'well I'm not sick.. yet.. so I'm fine'. That's me right now. Plus too with the stress I don't know how else to handle it. People say blog, journal, breathing techniques, get outside. Ya .. it's not working. Just annoys me I guess. I tried and it failed it got me nowhere.

Well either nowhere or else that Ed is that strong. I know I know I know.. you of those who read this will be like ED! Idk =/

On a lighter note. I do like my pretend world. It's fun. I forget about all this crap I'm dealing with and I get to 'pretend' to be happy. Which I like to think I'm happy. Sad thing is, I should be happy. Not with what happened but with my husband and 3 boys. It just seems lately I find every reason in the world to be upset only to put myself in my pretend world. I know I sound crazy =P Maybe I am lol.

REALLY????!!!!!!!!

I am getting so sick of ppl throwing this shit in my face. Okay I have problems. I'm not perfect. Okay I suck. But really we need to constantly push my face in the mud. Where does that get you? Apparently somewhere.

Just fricking stop!!! I am so sick of it. Ya I don't do this right nor do I do that right. I apparently don't know what to do right. Oh but hey the way you did things were just perfect and were right in every way. Love it.

Can you hear the sarcasm??


But hey yea I know I'm supposed to be the one that does everything perfectly. Guess what it's not happening!!! How can I recover from Ed if I constantly am getting questioned about how and what I say or do? That makes no sense .. well at least to me. But again .. apparently I don't know what I'm doing:)

Just why.. why is all I want to know. Can you just Please Stop! I just need someone in my corner and not someone fighting against everything I'm having to deal with. Talk about fair .. you don't know what fair is. I'm getting screwed and you just get to get by for everything. Just Stop!

Close my Eyes

I swear everyone gets on my nerves when I can't sleep.

So this morning Tom .. I mean I heard he walk into the bathroom and get ready .. it's not like he's That loud but he's definitely not quite. Even when he wakes he like stomps around.

Lately then Zaelur wakes up and he's screaming and everything and it's just like SHUT UP. I'm so tired and usually around the time Tom leaves is when I actually sleep my best. But that's not happening. Obviously..

The problem with this is Ed. I know I shouldn't just give excuses on why he gets to continue in my life. That I could be very strong to be able to let go. It just seems when I'm really tired .. which is like every day now.. but I just grasp onto Ed.


I also know that I'm continuing with Ed until I know what my fate is next week. I'm scared and sad and frustrated, Ed is my comfort right now.


Now, Do I know that's not logically thinking?! I know it's not. That maybe if I would just get healthy then I wouldn't want or depend on Ed.. that I would see myself for the worth that I am.

Some Day *fingers crossed*

I will look back and be happy that I took that leap. It just doesn't feel possible at this moment. Hopefully that day will come sooner then later. Hopefully.

The one good thing Ed brought me

Now how could you be thankful of Ed?? I mean that sounds insane right? Saying it almost sounds insane to me. Hey thanks for trying to kill me but hey you did do something great!

My good part .. it doesn't right now have to do with how I look, my weight.. nothing like that.

Ed brought me to this place to get help. And when that I met someone that will forever hold a spot in my heart. She's stuck with me for a lifetime. 92 and 101. =)

Stefanie has become one of my truest wonderful friends that I have met. Someone that I trust with every bone in my body.

And I've met a lot of great people like Sarah and Laurin. And many others. That just get me and I don't have to explain why I feel this way or what I do is what I've done. They just accept me for me. It's finally nice to meet these people that don't judge me they just understand me.

Real quick before I end this because I have to go.. Stef I do loves ya. And you honestly amaze me with your talent of singing and playing. "When your happy life a fool" we'll be 92 and 101.

Ed and Lying

Ahh.. I've been trying to tell the truth. And really when someone at least asks I'll admit it.

Other then that I'm back into my hiding. I feel like I'm 13 all over again trying to avoid the conversation. Trying to avoid getting yelled at. Just having something.

I get to make that decision.




Ed's taught me that no one else 'Really' cares. It's me against the world.







The only thing that has me to keep kicking right now is hope. Hope and beautiful children. That some how some way I'll do them right. Even tho I am not right now.








My kids are beautiful. Absolutely nothing wrong with them.. No wait.. they tend to be a little loud but other then that:)





The problem is I'm starting to Really feel the Guilt. And I'm trying to think it's just Ed saying it .. I want to believe that's not the person I am.

But that is the person I am. I am this person. And I'm hurting the 3 people in my life that I wouldn't even question to lye in front of a bus to safe them. And yet I don't care enough about me. When I probably will even be hurting them more when they figure it out. Damn should have not taught them so well:) haha..

Not funny I know I just try my hardest lately to want to be happy.

So anyways. Ed has me knowing what I'm doing wrong and trying to hide what I'm doing. It really sucks .. and it sucks the life out of you as well.. emotionally and physically. I don't want this life that's all I know. Just really don't know how to change.

Grudges

Well what.. they say holding onto a grudge really does nothing to the other person but just solely effects your own life.

But I can't seem to let go. How do you let go?

These people hurt me and for no reason in my eyes. For instance the one friend who told everyone at my new job that I had an ed. It was like really? You were supposedly my best friend and you go and do that. So I cut her out of my life. And found it more ridiculous when she tried to become friends with me again. There was no chance for that.. shouldn't have fucked up like that.

Don't get me wrong I do forgive people for things. It's just the big parts that I can't say it's okay. And that's how I feel. As soon as I say I forgive and I'll even forget that I'm saying it's okay that you just treated me like crap, Go ahead do it again.

The problem I am having with it is that it's keeping me in a really sad mood. I don't even know what happy is anymore. I smile but that's not hard. I'll laugh but it's not hard either.

It's what I feel like on the inside that I can't seem to change. I want to feel joy on the inside just because I am where I am. I do not need anything more (well except maybe a little bit of help here and there lol) But I really have things that I should just be able to enjoy every day instead of feeling like dirt.

I somewhat hate this place that I am in. I hope it's just a process of going through to get better. I'm praying that it is. But I also feel like I'll be stuck in this place too. I know I need to push but I just feel so weak and helpless lately that I don't know how to.

I don't know how to let go of those times that those who should have been my biggest fans, my biggest supports ended up being the ones that hurt me the most. And the fact that they don't even seem to care....

I don't know why I care then.