Will I Ever Get Things Right?!

So I get that there's this NO RIGHT WAY TO FIGHT ED.. I get that. But it's just not Ed. It's my life and how I'm living it. 

It's that I try and stick up for my kids and then when I probably should have I don't because I got told how fucked up I did it in the first place. 

For anyone that truly knows me, I am an athlete .. or haha I was. :) But I knew you never leave anyone behind. But Braydens baseball coach pissed me off. 1. Is because we have to pay for him to go out for sports, in which the City says that everyone is to get equal playing. 2. A.. biased here but he's one if not the best player on the team. So why is the coach keep having him sit out. I didn't realize it but the same 4 kids were sitting out. 

Oh but I just went up and said that I needed to grab Brayden. And when they asked why I just said well we need to go. I was trying to make it seem like we had to be somewhere by that time. But once the coach gave me this dirty look and shook his head and walked off.. nope that's when I go off. And what's funny is I thought I was going off, but Brayden said oh I couldn't even tell you were upset. So in which that makes me believe that I handled myself correctly. 

Only problem, it's not my life. It was Braydens. And now .. I mean I hate myself for it. I'm pissed at myself for it. I was trying to stand up for him and I did do it wrong. I know that. I should have just shut up and nothing. 

Then two days later, at another game (in which one mother thanked me for saying something because her kid was one of the 4 sitting out and then now he was playing hah). But this guy comes up yelling at my husband because his kid only batted once. It was just like this huge weird thing. And when the guy was upset .. I really didn't care I just kinda laughed because it wasn't me this time haha. But as soon as he turned to Tom and gave him words .. oh yep now you got me. Which I did conduct myself very well this time. I just said you are not going to talk to my husband like that.. we have nothing to do with the coach just helping with the books. THATS IT

Well, then what.. I was in trouble by my husband because 'he can handle himself'. Nice.. thanks. Whatever I guess. 

But yesterday at the grocery store and .. okay.. I play my trips to stores usually because I don't like a lot of ppl so I know when to go and when to try and stay away. But 9 in the morning is usually a good time to go. Not yesterday.. It was packed and I don't like ppl .. too many anyways it makes me go just insane.  So instead of having Zae (my 4 yr old) walk next to me, like I usually do because I tell him your 4 now you can walk. And there's no possible way of me getting him in the cart I can hardly pick him up to then even say to put him in .. I don't have the strength. 

Well, he's going from the front of the cart to when we'd stop to the back by me. Not in anyone's way. Him and I are joking back in forth we're smiling just making the best outta it. (wished I had a diagram for this but I don't.) This lady who had I would said around a 2 yr old has to say out loud but not look at me directly how BAD BOY I have. All I could think is WTF are we doing to you for you to have an opinion of anything.

The part that pisses me off the most is that he heard it. So when we got home he was sad. I tried my best to tell him she doesn't matter all that matters is what mommy thinks and mommy thought you were good. The whole time this child is looking down sadly at the floor. I finally had to say look at me. Mommy thought you were good, we had fun and we laughed.. that's all that matters. That other person she doesn't matter. 

And if you don't like that he's on the front of the cart and your trying to teach your child something.. by all means do, but you don't do it at some else cost. Specially considering he wasn't do anything that needed to be drawn out. There's a difference.. or at least in my opinion. I guess you'd rather have him running around the cart in your way and blah blah. I could criticize you for being rude and standing in front of the milk for 5 minutes while everyone was waiting. 

But I didn't say anything to her. And I wished I would have. Specially after my son waved to her kid. That's how I've told my kids, if your going to stare then you better wave and say hi. I should have stuck up for him more and I failed. 

I guess that shouldn't be surprising. 

OMGOD I'M SO FUCKING PISSED!

Okay so, to start with the down low. I first just wanting to come on to just say where I was at. And then I wanted to listen to music because it calms me. It makes me breathe and relax, when other times I would explode. Come to find out.. and I don't even know how because I haven't been on my computer in the past couple days, that my play list is just Gone. Just gone. Not only am I pissed off at the way the day went.. in that one moment when I needed something. The songs I wanted to listen to .. the one thing that would calm and make me tired.. instead I'm pissed and ready to go and it's umm. 12:14 a.m. I have a whole day before me tomorrow and now all I want to do is stay away. Which in turns hurts me and creates a bad moment. And to help things.. 1 --- WHY DO PPL KEEP CHANGING THINGS????? This frickin blogger was just fine. IT was easy to go thru and now you change it and it took me like 5 minutes to figure out how to get to this page. Which really.. after I'm already heating.. NOT A GOOD THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you get that!?!?!??!?!? Fuckers! 2... I ask Tom to help me. Which he's was sleeping, but yet he does the same ol thing... I'm up .. ya I'll help .. only to keep is happy frickin ASS in bed! Fucker! Just pisses me off!!!! Can you tell?!:) I'm just tired!!! I really am. I just .. I can't feel like I keep being there for ppl that really don't give a flapping ass about me. It's like whatever, but hey I'll take you up and blah blah. I get to be told all the time how I shouldn't of reacted this way or that way. And there are definitely times that I wished I wouldn't of acted the way I did. The problem is .. no one gets me. No one says, ya I understand. Instead it's like ya but.. BUT. BUT can't you just ONCE .. just ONCE say I have you. I got you! I'm just going to laugh or smile because I might not have done the same thing but it's .. it just is. Now what are you thinking of doing or not doing?! I don't always need ppl to sit there and tell me What I should or should not do. Sometimes I just bitch to bitch. If you don't like it .. well then tell me and I'll make sure I don't. Otherwise I need that outlet so I don't act like a frickin fool!! But if I talk with you then please.. just please don't.. stop .. I don't need it. I don't know how to .. Guess the way that others might see me is I just suck.. so I don't know how to. One thing that gets me most, is my anger, it really isn't anger. It's hurt and sadness .. You all know that I have cats, and I think of myself sometimes of having their eyes. That drappy look. Or at least thats what I call it. But the look of just is if I'm wrong again? Me tho, I have this fight in me. I'd like to believe it's because I'm Irish:) But how that comes into play.. IDK hehe. But I won't back down. I will go .. with everything I have. And I don't seem to EVER do it right. I am always wrong. I just think tho that I am defending myself in someway or another. I'm fighting for me. Or I'm fighting for my family. Tom has pissed me off. The ones that know what I had to go thru back in Nov. And even more when I stick up for him, and then for him to be upset because he's 'Man' and can stick up for himself. WELL.. DO IT. But I for one will not be associated with someone who allows them to be treated that way. IDK.. ?!?! But I just don't like that association. It's like it's all happening again. And apparently I am just being a whinny bitch. So .. what .. what can I say .. these are my feelings and I get to own them. Feel what you want. It probably would affect me if you told me but I will stand by that these ARE my feelings. I get to own that.

?

So last night Brayden had his second baseball game.

Trying to keep all the points of it out, well I mean he played 2 innings and sat out for the last 2. Which he did for the same first game. I have to pay $$$$ for him to even be in the sport. Well guess what if you were going to tell me that I would pay and he was going to sit on the bench then I would have just said Forget It!

But Ed.. this is where my Ed does things .. says things.. He's not going to just sit by and do nothing. So I basically go grab Brayden. Well I asked him if he wanted to G to the O (Go) and he said yes. And the thing about it is I'm totally sport type of person that you Never leave your team. But I was pissed at the coach. Not just because Brayden was 'sitting' out but because it's the same kids and someone needed to put him in his place.

The supposed 'men' down here think that they control everything. And I'm prurty sure my Ed isn't going to let you control fucking anything!!!

Now am I proud of it. NO=/ Now I have to make things better for Brayden. I screwed things up for him and that wasn't my intent. He thankfully isn't upset but I am.

I don't know what to do anymore. I react with emotions to then be told to not react with emotions to then go to therapy to be told I need to get these emotions out. Fucking lost!

And then my mom was like have you done your anger management class? Yes I did. You really think 1 flipping class is going to get my emotions out enough that I'm not MAD????? And how do you not even see why I'm pissed? She has no clue. No responsibility right? I mean I'm a grown adult now so she's not responsibly for the crap she put me thru.

All I can do is shake my head.

Then she asked if I had been drinking. If I could have bitched slapped her I would have! Thanks again for just thinking shit of me. Thanks again for putting me into that hole that I was stuck in for my life. I get it. I know .. I fucking get it. You apparently don't like me and .. fine .. I get it..

I just don't know why I care anymore

Fight

Why is it I can't fight.. I don't know. I mean I can fight others:) That's a little apparent hah. But really when it comes to Ed .. that's such a task. It's not this simple punch or push and shove. It's this nonstop argument in my head all day long.. and the next day is usually even worse because it was you ate all of that yesterday and now today ?!?! Are you seriously?? Really??

Well, I want to take this blog into another direction. I have this friend..and yes you know who you are:) Your the only one in my 31 yrs that understands me before I even say anything. I wished I would have met you a long time ago, but I guess maybe you being a teenager then I probably wouldn't be as close as I am now lol.

You piss me off sometimes. Sorry you do. Don't talk about yourself leaving. I get that you are preparing yourself. I can't even imagine dealing with all that. I can't even say anything. All I can say is he doesn't have ANY right to take it from you. I didn't like seeing that .. sorry. And you don't be sorry!!!:) I'll keep hoping and praying and believing. You do what you have to but I'm not giving up until I hear the words. Not giving up!

See now to go back to fight.. I would fight (trying to now hehe) but I would do anything I could. I would have grabbed a hammer that day.. do you know that?! We already know where I've been so who really cares when it comes to the outcome :)

And no offense, I wished that I had as much fight for myself as I do when it comes to my kids, you .. Tom.

Guess maybe I'm waiting for someone to care that much for me. And I know you do. Also along with Tom and the boys. But no offense, it's just not enough. Like a little too long a little too late. And I think you'd understand what I'm saying.

It probably doesn't even need to be someone else. But it right now feels like someone else has to care, and no one does. I'm alone. Maybe I'm making myself alone also.. idk.

I have therapy on Friday. Also my doctors appt:( It's only Monday and I'm already tempted to cancel. Just don't know if I'm actually ready for recovery. I don't know if I ever was. It was nice last week eating and feel good about it, but then it just spiraled downward. So, I really don't know if I have the fight in me to deal with Ed.

I Just Don't Know.

Loves ya girlie tho:)

Care Less

So I saw Kim yesterday.. not my sister my therapist. And I was honestly surprised that she didn't seem very happy about the couple days that I did do fairly well. I mean Monday I hate my 3 meals and 3 snacks, Tuesday and Wednesday I couldn't stand to keep dinner down but on Tues I at least at a snack afterwards. Thursday was horrible. I could have cared less about doing well, and same with yesterday. And now Saturday.. I feel the same. I could care less!

I mean I'm just sick of ppl hurting me. I'm sick of being hurt. I'm tired of trusting ppl to then just get the aftermath. I don't like ppl. They care nothing for me.. so why care for myself?!?! It doesn't make sense right?? I mean why do you have the right to hurt me.. if anyone has that right it's ME!!!!

The problem is.. I want to be healthy. Ya that's the problem:) I mean who says that.. right? But that's my difficult part. I do want to some way or another be able to eat without worrying about the aftermath. I want to start thinking clearly. I want to be a good mother for my children. And I know I can't be that person as long as I'm with Ed.

What sucks the most is I've gained 3 lbs.. ya those who don't understand this right 3 lbs is like gaining 100lbs .. it's crazy in your mind and it shows in everything you wear or don't wear. You can feel it on your body just by a touch or by sitting and feeling that uncomfortable that some fat roll is pouring out.

This is usually what causes me to go right back to Ed. I have to get back to that stage that I was at.. because I can't stand to feel 'that'.

But I hate it too.. I mean I have NO Butt!! Nothing.. it's like you can't even tell where my ass beginnings or ends.. its just like back into legs. I feel disgusted by this. So I know I need to gain weight but then my stomach is just going to go so far out that it's ridiculous! My stomach has always been my main point. The one thing I always look at to see if I'm actually doing a 'Good Enough Job'.

Anyways.. Idk where I'm at. It was nice on Tuesday.. getting thru Monday was really hard but Tuesday was nice throughout the day. I felt good and I felt like I was a good person. But it always leads to another thing.. where I let ppl affect me. I don't know why I don't know how to change it. I'm Stuck in this mode =/

Set in Stone

So Today I've already decided I'm giving in ALL day. And it's only 10 a.m.

Now for some it's like it's only 10 in the morning.. it's just the start of the day you can change it. I could. Problem is I don't want to. =/ I allow way too many things bother me that once my mind is set because of those problems it's set in stone. And that's the thing that I probably have to change. The Set in Stone.

I get this idea in my head and I can't get it out until it's done and said. And like distractions.. I have plenty of them but I just can't seem to get myself to have the energy to get to them. Their in my reach but I'm just not putting my hand out to grab.

The last two days I do good during the day, right up until dinner and then I panic right after dinner, it's just like all I can think is look at all you've eaten and YOUR STILL HUNGRY!?!?!? :0

How is it that when I used to eat and the purged I actually felt full. I didn't feel hungry. It makes no sense. Now I'm eating and I feel like I'm starving all the time. I stick to my meal plan fairly well. It's about every 2 to 2 1/2 hrs that I'll have at least something to eat.

I know my therapist will be disappointed for today and I'm sure I'm going to get asked why.. in which I really don't have an answer. It's just a because I did.. because I wanted to. WHY? I don't know. I am frustrated and this is my out. This is my release. I guess that's an answer. But I know she'll be a bit happy about Monday being good and that Tuesday and Wednesday that I at least have 2 meals and 3 snacks.. she'll be at least okay with that. But I still know she'll be asking about today.

What sucks the most, or what irritates me.. well there's a lot, but one thing I'm going to talk about:) Is that I made my lunch for today and I was proud of myself yesterday for getting it ready, just now hoping that tomorrow it'll still be good. I would imagine, but you never know with the crap that I've been buying. I'm used to just eating whatever because then I would just get 'rid' of it. Now I'm trying to buy things that will not let Ed get much say on it. For the most part I do okay, but obviously now good enough.

Well, today I bit the dust. Tomorrow is a new day.. *fingers crossed*

It's Not As What As It Seems

So I came across this conversation.. whether or not it helps ME . who knows.. But just thought I would just share my thoughts on it.

I'M NOT THAT BAD:

Sure .. I mean what the hell it's been 18 yrs for me. It's hard for me to wrap my head around it that in some way some how that I'm actually THAT BAD.

But then I sit back. I look. .... .... Is this really what I wanted?!? This is really what I wanted to have for the rest of my life. To sit there without anything and then to eat waiting until 2 or 3ish in the afternoon to then purger to then wait until after dinner to then again purge. I'm amazed at the way my body has lasted.

And yet it's ALL IN MY HEAD. Ya .. it is in my head.. Unfortunately it is in my Head. I can't do anything about that. I really can't. Because time after time you prove me wrong. Everyone proves me wrong. Anytime that I try to see the person that I 'want' or 'who I think I am' someone always is right there to just push my face right in the dirt. And so how do you argue that?!?!?

Okay go for it.. I can see it.. pity pity pity for me. Yep got it. Say how I just need to suck it up .. say how it really wasn't that bad.. say how you did everything for me.. SAY IT!! GOT IT!!! ALWAYS MY FUCKING FAULT!! GOT IT! Okay .. Got it!

Just waiting for the day..



thoughts r thoughts.. you don't need to show how you feel to know how bad you actually feel.

Trying.. All I can do.

Well so Monday came around and I decided to give it a shot again. I felt like crap all day. I couldn't figure out if I was hungry or just sick. And so I would want to eat but then was afraid if I didn't stay with my meal plan that they I would automatically go purge. But I made it thru it. I ate my 3 meals and 3 snacks and was ready to sleep.

Only probably .. couldn't sleep. AT ALL! It was such a long night just to lay there trying to get comfortable to just not being to relax.

Yesterday wasn't so bad. I was pretty much okay up until around snack time. I wanted to have my snack earlier but then I pushed it off because I didn't know how dinner would turn out or for that fact what we were going to have so then I was worried about it. I had something for din on my meal plan but the more I thought of it I thought just yuck. But I ended up mixing things together and it didn't turn out bad at all. Some chopped up ham with some soup mix and just noodles. No more then a 1/2 c. Made sure for that one. And even then I wouldn't eat it all. But then shortly after that I wanted to eat.. but I still had 2 yrs until snack. And then I just go into panic mode. Because before I could eat and it wouldn't matter if i threw it all up. I still felt full and now I'm eating and I'm still hungry. Well what I ended up doing is finding something else to eat to purge it all. And then I didn't feel like I had just ate all day Tuesday and Monday.

So then the guilt fills in. That I failed .. once again!

For that I decided to have my snack that I was originally going to have.

I think next time when I get that way I am going to try something that I know I don't feel like is too much and that I could stand to have. Maybe end up with 2 smaller snacks then the just one snack. Like splitting up my one snack into two.

Well, as for now, It's breakfast time for me. So here we go again=)

Mondays

Okay so .. not sure why but when I think that I'm going to try and fight Ed, It all starts with MONDAY. I don't know why I have to do it that way, but it seems like the only way that I can. (maybe because of the incident ??! IDK)

Anyways, I want .. hmm.. okay I don't know what I want. I would honestly just like to think 'normal'. I would like to not have these feelings of everything and just be able to eat without even another thought about it.

So, I have my meal plan made out.. what does that mean .. Who knows?!? Definitely not Me!

I always seem to let Ed in and figure and twist things around so that HE can have the control for the week or day or moment .. whatever it is. I can honestly give him credit though because he does a damn good job at it! Not funny but kinda :)

Well lately I've found myself more weak and wanting to constantly sleep, eventho I don't tend to sleep. And that gives Ed this edge way where he can say and I'm just a zombie going okay. Not even thinking just doing.

Really don't want this. I mean who of us do? We all want better.. I know that! I just don't know how to crawl out of this whole that I seem to be in. And I'm scared of what's on the top.

Like, I know life should be better without Ed. But I can't see anyone not questioning what it is going to be like to actually FEEL. I just don't like that thought.

It's not that I don't want .. I don't know how to explain it. I want to feel but I also want to be numb. Mainly because I'm just over ppl hurting me. But I want to Live and I know that includes being hurt.. just don't know how to be ready for that. Or if I ever will be.

Anyways, Monday.. gosh that's hard to say. Why Idk.. but it is. *Fingers Crossed*

Monday here I come