When the Music's not forgotten

with music. It just does something to me that I feel like dancing like a fool acting like a fool .. just being happy.

Now some songs make me want to cry, but even those songs release a calm in me that I just need.

I like this song tho because I replace Music with me. When I'm not forgotten. Right now I only know for certain so many things. God is right now the only one behind me, and it's just not enough right now.

I'm facing so much, and I'm scared to death. I feel so terribly alone. All I want to do is cry. I have to deal with shit that I never thought I would have to. And I'm just so afraid and worried and .. Alone. The hardest probably is the unknowing.

Then to have people again attack you ..
it's just like PLEASE STOP! Like please!! Just please. I can't take it anymore. I'm so broken I can't take it.
Just stop!!!!!





I just don't know how to do this anymore. I'm going to attempt it again. I need to attempt it again. But I'm scared as hell to gain the weight. I have a friend tho that gets me, only problem is she does worry me with her Ed. I would do anything for her right now. If she asked me to come I would do anything and everything to make sure that happened. She's became so much to me, more then she'll probably know. I just want her to reach 92. I smile when I say that. She gets me, probably the only person that ever has.. so I love her to death. I just hope that death for us will be a long long time away. Just hope and pray.

Letting GO

How do I let go??

How can I say goodbye to the the one thing that has always been there? Obviously is destroying me but in the same sense at least I got to destroy me first. I get to destroy me just in the same point that everyone else is.


Why I allow them in?! Why I allow them to decide that I am broken and sad .. why they just get to push my face farther into the dirt. I don't get it.


So to say the least.. I was allowing myself to eat .. each day but then I saw what it did and then I got to deal with a conversation, which also put me in my place again.


My convo, was basically how horrible of a mother I am .. so ya .. I guess I am.. I guess the fact that they get into trouble when they don't do their homework .. or don't pick up clothes off the floor to put away.. yep I'm horrible.. it is what it is.. I can't say anything more. Now could I say I'm the best mother .. no .. not a chance, who is?? But can I say that I try my best and to give them the most happiness that they could have .. I'm trying hard as hell!


So to let go of the one thing .. the only thing that has been there .. thru thick and thin. The one person that looked at me and saw what I feel inside. My biggest supporter my biggest strength. The one that makes sure I'm going to feel.


Only problem is I don't want to die from this. I really don't. I don't want to see my friends that I have made die from this. God they deserve so much more. From family, from others. Oh they deserve a life of dance.






So today I am with Ed .. we're tight again. Tomorrow, who knows but today we're thick as thieves.

I Am My Mothers Daughter

:(

All I ever wish for is to be a boy. If I was a boy she would have like me. I would have not gotten into so much trouble. It would have been okay.. if I was a boy.

I'm not a boy tho. I'm a girl who got called a whore a slut. Told I was going to get pregnant by the time I was 16 because my sister had gotten pregnant. Told I was stupid I should do better.

What did I take from it?? I need to do better. I'm not do good enough. Put more out there push yourself. Then Ed came into the picture.. He's been in my picture for awhile and yep.

Ed tells me you tried at least hard enough.. did enough . when honestly I hadn't.

I am becoming my mom.. :( .. and that doesn't look well .. I'm not trying to completely throw her under the bus to punch her (maybe that's what I want to do) but I am not out to destroy her. But now I am becoming so over impulsive that the kids have to have this and do that.. why tho?? What difference does it make. ???

I had boys .. thank the lord. I do believe he knew that I couldn't have a girl. I'd destroy her just like I have been destroyed. Thank the lord!

You Are More

I love that song and hate it all at the same time!

Amazing how the long/hate relationship that always seems to be in my life.

No one seems to love who I am. What I am. What I do. How I do it. I just always seem to fail at it. The biggest problem is I like me. I know me. I'm not bad. I might not say the 'right' thing or the 'correct' thing at the time. I make mistakes. I own them.

I am ME:)

Okay here we .. you ready:)


I love me.. not enough to not hurt myself. Mainly because I want everyone else to love me too.


That makes me sad to say. I really don't believe that I've done that much to have hurt people so much. And if you tell me that I have.. I try my best to own it. I believe in owning your mistakes. Might not have intended them but own it because that's the only way that you and whoever or what can move threw it.


Either way.. I like to be alone. I know Ed likes me to be alone, but I like to be alone because then I get to smile. I think I'm just a lot more then what others think I am. That's why I like to be alone. Being in my seclusion I just smile. Like right now.


I just smile. I listen to music and I feel so alive. Perfect to be honest.


My thoughts of being perfect isn't something out of a magazine. I look at ppl and say they are beautiful. And honestly there are definitely times that I bless myself that God created me the way he had.. appearance wise.. that I don't look that way on the outside. (I know that's vain but I'm being honest). And with that also being said. I've started to see they are more beautiful then I ever could be.


You look at the children with a medical problem whatever it is and they are gorgeous.


I remember when I was about 12 ?? close or to around that. We could go to prom and one sister had asked her brother to go to prom that year because that year he had gotten diagnosed with cancer .. and you never know. So he went thru chemo, lost all his hair at that time. And two A-holes made fun of him.. he was around the age of 10 and I think that's when I started looking at others pain and seeing that they deserve so much more. That is me.. I feel and hurt .. I want to make them not feel how much I hurt.


I just want to be comfortable not only in my skin but in my mind. I want and desperately need to have others at least understand that they might not understand but that's okay. NO wait.. that's not okay. If you don't understand .. turn around and walk. LEAVE ME ALONE .. LET ME LIVE .. I want to be happy. I I I I I .. I need to be happy. At least a bit. I need to feel that I can smile.


When I look into the mirror.. you know some of you might see this or that. I see my lips. I like my lips that's not what I'm getting at.. I see the wrinkle alone side them. The one that you see that frowns. And I look and think .. wow.. this is how said I've been. And I keep looking in the mirror .. telling myself cheese. Cause I want to fix those wrinkles. I don't want to look at see how sad I've been I want to be happy. Specially now.


That's where it comes in that I am me. I have a tummy.. with stretch marks thanks to Brayd:) I have thick thighs, .. weird long legs, but the one thing I won't allow anyone to say is I have these beautiful Great Eyes that I make sure when you are talking to me I look at you .. because when I do you get to see into me.

Hmm.. ?!

I AM SOMEBODY BECAUSE GOD MADE ME

I had an abortion when I was 18. How can I be someone that is gods creation ??

So I got pregnant when I was in high school. I remember it all. And I don't need to go into depth about it. It was a choice that I made. I made it. I made it. And here comes the BUT.. I experienced the other way. I had to lay there at night listening to my parents.. shit no .. my mother screaming at my sister.

My sister is beautiful. She's so kind. I love her to death. She'll do anything for you. And she enjoys you. I just love her. She is the life that I wished I could have. I believe in her so much always have. There's just not anything mean I could say about her. She's beautiful.

Well shit, wtf .. WTF! I got an abortion when I was 18. Everything that I was taught and believed to be against. and it's what I did. Because we all knew that my mother would be the bitch that she is.

Guess what I lost?? I lost my scholarship. hah. the one that I wasn't even trying to get!

I actually had colleges contact me to go to their schools and giving me scholarships and that to attend. What did I want. I wanted to go to MN to a school that had no interest in me.

I've always wondered why I wanted that. What it was about that school. The one that had no clue who I was. The one that I would have to prove myself to to be apart of the team. Why that was what I was seeking. I still don't know the answer.

But I had to sign where my mother wanted me to. She didn't even allow me to see the others .. I had to sign. If I knew what I know now.. I would have told her to shove it! I had a full scholarship to just a 2 yr program but that transferred everything. That to me was a deal. but the bitch had to have what SHE wanted. Who cares about what I wanted ?? It's not my life apparently.

I had that abortion. I don't even care if you've ever had one. What I remember .. how I felt. I was alone. And have since then been in this world ALONE.

Now to say that God loves me.. Love myself..

Who can love me? I can't love me. I hate me!

To have my mother say the shit she does to me.. I think I'm starting to get a bit more out there. She better start watching herself because she doesn't know what will come out of me. She needs to start praying for the sins that she has done and said. She needs to start understanding her wrong. And I am getting close that if she doesn't. I will push her to that point. Because I'm tired of hearing the shit that she puts in my ears.

That stupid bitch!

Fucking wrong part of it is that I want her apart of my life. The fucking bitch.
Ya I'm pissed! I'm mad I'm hurt I'm sad. Who deserved that. Who still deserves it. And to have someone tell them it didn't happen. YES IT DID! You fucking bitch!

Alright.. done for now. I need to go to bed. She doesn't understand what she has done to me. She'll never understand. Even if she read this she'd just take something and twist and turn it to make it be my fault.

It is my fault tho. I have allowed you and everyone else to control my feelings.. to continue to control them. SO .. yep you go that.. Yay I'm glad that you won. Own it.. Be proud. That's usually what you want and desire.. be proud!

Forgiveness

It doesn't mean if you forgive someone for what they have done or not. Doesn't mean things were okay.

I'm having a hard time with forgiveness. I don't know how to accept things that have happened and are done and said. I can't let go because I feel like I didn't deserve what I was handed .. there was no reason that I should have been treated that way and I don't know how to just accept that it happened and move forward.


What is says is "I refuse to be locked in a prison where the bars are made of bitterness and hatred for the rest of my life."

My life is around bars. I am bitter. I am sad. I'm hurt. I feel like I need to treat those who hurt me just as badly as they did to me. They need to feel this. They need to understand what they did to me. For instance my husband. He needs to realize what he did to me. How he wrote on my slate and helped to create what I am. I don't think he gets it and I don't know if he'll ever 'get it'.


"If you allow it it changes you as a person, a woman, a wife, a mother."

And that is has.. it has changed me .. I've became a person that I don't know if I like so much. People have done things to me that I don't get why they would. What I caused for them to treat me the way they did. But they did. And all I can think is that some way .. one way or another.. I deserved it. Just trying to figure out what it was that I did to deserve it tho..


Things have changed me. I did become a spiteful person. As a wife, I really don't like my relationship. As a mother.. I would hate me if I was a child. I hate thinking that my children should hate me because of who I've became.




It's hard to forgive when someone continues to smash your foot while trying to forgive them.


Make peace with who you are.

That's probaly the hardest statement. Make peace with me? When everyone and anyone has told me that I'm not good enough. To except me.. that's hard. Harder then most would know.

Find peace within yourself. Cause you can't give away what you don't have.

If you haven't forgiven people and yourself for letting it happen then you don't have anything to give.

I don't necessarily agree with that. I give a lot more then what I have. I believe almost in treating others better then myself. Others deserve it more. I don't. :(

Why do I .. Me I.. have to accept that someone else treatment me like shit?? Why??? I don't think that's right nor fair .. nothing! I can't agree with it! Just can't!

Do for others.

Seeing the pain of others.
I try. I don't know a lot of these people and I just want them to walk away from that moment and say she doesn't even know me and she cares. I try.

And it's not that I want anything from them. Well no I do. I want them to say this person who I don't know.. that I probably won't see again .. and when I come across someone that I can just impact them a little.. I will. That's what I want.

I am very upset that people are so rude now.

Standing in line at the grocery store if someone behinds you have less allow them to go before you.

If someone sneezes say God Bless You.

If you need to go in front of someone say excuse me.

Teach your children to be thoughtful and kind to the rest of the humans around us. Regardless if they are like homeless or thieves or murders.. teach them that they were a man of God that he created so you are supposed to be compassionate. Understanding. Forgiving.

I'm just so tired of the anger that exists.

I understand that it will be there.. that people don't know how to address their emotions. I just can't understand the rude when someone hasn't brought it amongst themselves. Idk. I just know I can't stand it.

So to speak of Forgiveness. I haven't. I have no forgave so many people in my life. Which right now working through that is hard! Forgiveness sounds so easy.. It's not. If it is.. then you are not forgiving them.

I haven't deserved my plate.

I always think of the saying Dr. Phil says.. it's not why you are this way but why you wouldn't be. That is me.

It's Just Me

Ed and Me

Well it's just ME right?? I mean if I just get help and just figure out how to FIX me then everything will just be hunky-dory. Right ?? I mean come on it's just me.. I'm the problem!

I hate that! I can't stand being told that if I just would change then everything would be wonderful and perfect.

Pretty sure that others helped to create the person that I am. The one that is hurt and mad at the world. Now the person who wants to give and have other smile that's the one I like and I feel is who I created.

Here's my definition of me. There's two by the way =)

1. Here's the one that everyone has walked on and aided to create a mean spirited person. One I have my mother. Who is able to twist and turn things so that it's my fault. Always was my fault. Anything that happened that was wrong was MY fault. I wasn't ever good enough, smart enough, athletic enough.

I think that's why I took losing state volleyball so hard. I did blame myself. I still blame myself. If I would have just gotten over myself we could have won. And ya it's a team and there's no I in team, but that's how much it meant and means to me. I wanted to show everyone that I was good enough and instead we lost.

Then comes in my relationships. I always tended to go for those who treated me like shit. I guess that's what I thought I deserved was crap. I would always put myself 100% out there and I always got back nothing that I thought I should have. Lies, deception.. I never got why when I'm the one being there for you, you would treat me like that. I still don't get why people treat me that way.

So now I don't like you .. I don't trust you .. I don't believe a word that comes out of your mouth. Cause all your going to do is take what I give and crumble it up like garbage.

So this side of me has a lot of hate towards others. Hate so strong. I actually don't really believe in the word hate. I think hates just an easy way of saying hurting and sadness. It's easier to come defensive and having that wall up then letting someone see me vulnerable. Mainly cause when I have been an easy target.. I get hit from all sides. So I would rather come across being a bitch then being sad.



To wrap this up.. I'm tired of people saying "it's me" Really cause I'm pretty sure if you weren't an ass maybe I wouldn't be this far into Ed and have such a tight relationship with him. Maybe. I know that I shouldn't blame someone else for what I'm choosing to do, and in that same breath maybe they should have treated me a bit better so that I didn't need to turn to Ed. But it's just me .. Ya I definitely rolled my eyes when I typed that!


2. The is the person that I like:) I love to smile. I love laughing. Laughing is awesome. I cry when I see something happy or if I feel upset for someone. It doesn't matter what it is. I was in church and a couple isles in front of me was this one lady and she was crying. And it instantly made me cry for her, so I prayed that whatever it was that was troubling her that God would be there for her to comfort her and that she would feel better soon.

I love to give to others. Not necessarily materials, but just respect or even just to donate. I feel like giving to those that even though they have no idea who I am, that they get this warmth inside of them that someone cares. That they are cared for.

And this part of me loves to have my children learn that we need to look out for each other. To be there for one another. How to treat another person with respect regardless of who or what they are. God created them so that means they deserve just as much respect and we would want for ourselves.

Trust

Calm. Relaxed. Breathing slowly, deeply. Smiling. Living in that moment, that two seconds that last what seems to be forever. Seeing beauty in the oddest places.






Now if I could only trust. There are something I trust in. I trust in that there is a God and I believe in Jesus Christ. I don't have the 'reasons' that others might have other then that I believe because I believe. I don't think I have to tell you facts or reasons why I believe other then I believe.













Giving up my power of Ed is difficult. It's more difficult because others continue to hurt me. And why shouldn't I at least be able to hurt myself if they are going to hurt me anyways. At least I have that control in hurting me. I know it's coming it's not out of the blue. I'm ready for it when I hurt myself.






So far today has been a struggle in my mind. I'm supposed to fight and I'm trying. It's just hard to do. Ed is an addiction. But he's so much more then just an addiction and obsession with a body type. And to trust in something else that is 'supposed' to be better for me. Not even just something but someone. No one knows unless your in the same battle. People think that this is the same as a drug addict or an alcoholic. It probably has it's similarities but it's to me at least A LOT different. And to compare it it's just insane.







But I am letting go. I am doing my best at letting go. I can't believe how well I've done this past week.






Unfortunately something bad had to happen, and is happening.. it's not over yet. This is the road though I guess I was to take and walk.



So I'm walking, tripping and falling sometimes. Falling but standing back up.











Crying but wiping away tears,












screaming and then breathing calmly.






"Falling down is part of LIFE...Getting back up is LIVING"
John Erickson

My relationship with Ed

So today, I knew it was going to be hard. Not only because it's possibly day 7 of not giving into Ed. But just of all that went down last week. I really don't want to go into that because it is quite embarrassing and hurtful.

I'm really upset and stressed and just completely lost!

Last Monday was a horrible day.. along with Tuesday. Something that I would never want anyone else to go through. Tuesday I didn't get to eat much but I didn't purge. It wasn't my choice either on eating well it was in a way but it was too nasty that I couldn't even stand eating it.

Since then I've eaten 'normal' meals. I haven't had any alcohol.. just water. Won't even drink juice or soda. Just water. Then I did go and weigh myself. I gained weight.. a lot .. for you that don't know how this feels you won't get it.

Anyways, I wanted to just explain me and Ed.

I kind of think I have a different relationship .. maybe?? Maybe I don't. But it sure feels like most of my life I've been told I'm not good enough. I don't do this right or what I have to say and think doesn't matter. It's not worth someones time to listen to my opinion because I'm just wrong anyways.

Growing up as the baby of a family of 4 brothers and 1 sister. I was constantly told to just shh. I don't think I was ever really told to Shut Up, but I was definitely given that impression. I couldn't play games with the family because I wasn't good enough to play. When we would play like word games I would get made fun of because my words were simply.

So Ed stepped in. And even though doing what Ed tells me to do seems like he's mean and hurtful to me. He's actually probably my biggest supporter.

In sports Ed told me that your not even putting in 100% and look at how good you are! He tells me a lot of days how beautiful I am. How funny I am and that it's hilarious to watch me laugh at myself for being silly.

Lately he hasn't even looked at me and told me I look fat. Even right now when I gained lbs. He still looks in the mirror and says 'it's okay you can do it we can do it and you'll look great'.

He also say 'you don't need to take that from them'. 'You never should have taken that from them'. 'Your better then that'. He constantly tells me that if I just look this way I can go back and go SEE!! I am good enough. Look what you missed, you just had to put me down, and Now What?! Too bad for you .. you lost out!

Ed is my strength. He catches me every time. I feel like I could be standing on an edge and when I'm just about to fall he grabs me back and holds me and says he'll never let go. Not a bad let go. The one that you feel love from. That he'll never let me down like everyone else has.

Everyone thinks that Ed is evil. I'm not so sure. I kind of feel like everyone in my life has been evil/hurtful/nasty/Mean. Ed the only one that I've ever felt like I could trust.

I know it sounds weird to talk about Ed like if he was an actual person. It's obvious that he's not an actual person. But his thoughts are real to me and mean a lot to me. It's probably the only thing that gets me through a lot.

Saying Goodbye to him. Letting go of the one thing that has helped me through some of the hardest and roughest times in my life. Or just the frustrating times and stressful ones. Even the happy times I relied on him. To say no more .. It's not even just to say no more it's to say I'm done going to Ed but then to have people again hurt me it's hard to not just return to Ed.

I don't know where our relationship will go. I just know that even if he was destroying my body he was the only one that seemed to ever be there for me. To tell me I'm not stupid, I'm not ugly, I'm not incapable. He had a lot of good things to share with me. A lot of good things.