Well this month has been crazy for me.
After I got home from S.D. and dealing with all that what I considering to be nonsense. I ended up bloating out. Or so I thought I was bloating. Long story shortish:P was I ended up developing ascites and they didn't know why. They prescribed me water pills and put me on a low sodium diet. The hardest part was that I had no choice in giving up Ed. I couldn't purge for my life. It hurt more then anything emotionally and mentally and physically to even try. And I just continued to put on weight. Finally last week my primary told me to go to the hospital to see a doctor he knew that somewhat specialized in this all so he gave that doctor all my info. and long and behold I was there for 5 days. I got my abdomen drained of fluid twice equaling a total of 8 Liters. And you would then think that I wouldn't have a belly right.. no I still look like I"m 6 months pregnant. I had a biopsy done on my liver which the results were I have autoimmune hepatitis. I guess it's something I would have had all my life but now just later on in life it's becoming apparent. What it basically is, I have my good cells not being able to tell the difference of the good and bad coming in to my body so it just attacks everything. So I'm home, but I have to somewhat take things easy. I will get up getting edema in my legs and ankles if I'm on them too long and then I'm on a low sodium and high protein diet.
School started for the kids this week, which really didn't help things at all either. I got released from the hospital on Sunday to turn around to get them off to school on Monday. Kyler has been a pain because he's just hard to work with when it comes to homework, and they just started:(
Then to make matters worse both vehicles need repair work done on them and here we really don't have the money. Specially when we get the bill in to from the hospital.
ahh..
Well, when it comes to Ed. He's still there. Right now it's a bit easier because I actually have a reason for being 'fat'. But it's not like I can't hear him. I have this gut wrenching feeling that what I was, the way I was, the way I liked it.. well it's gone forever. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But it will take months for me to actually recover from this or at least that it's moderated, that's when things will actually become difficult. Til then. I'm hoping Sept brings on better news!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
What Else ??
So I'm going to have to go to the doctors and I really don't want to but there's kind of no choice now. And I don't want to go to the one that I had been seeing just because they seem a bit .. umm.. well I'm used to the doctors back home that actually seem to care about your well being instead of just having another patient. Then it sucks because I have to explain everything all over again. It's so much fun.. tell ya to have them look at you and be like a okay .. sure.
Well here's the issue. The other morning I decided because I had been restricting that I would have an ensure. I had been awake since 3 a.m. and so a quarter to 5 a.m. I thought drink an ensure and go to bed then you wouldn't even know you had it you could pretend it was a dream. But at least I would have something in me. That's what I did, only problem is I got really sick. I felt like crap the whole day really. Then later on .. mid afternoon I went to the bathroom and noticed in the mirror that my stomach was like huge looking like I was 3 or 4 months pregnant. So I panic thinking omg. I had Tom pick up a pregnancy test just in case and it was negative so that was good but then it was like why is my stomach so far out !? Tom thought I was bloated because I just had my period. Well the next day we go to the store and get some over the counter meds and he thought I should get laxatives as well. I tell you I have never in my life taken a laxative and I don't understand how ppl can. It .. just that is not right. But I guess purging some ppl see it the same way.
The bloating didn't go away and it wasn't until the next day that I felt a harder spot and it was sensitive. I was putting away groceries and hit the counter top and I was just like omgosh ouch! So when Tom got home I showed him and he wanted to take me to the doctors, but I had other plans that I just couldn't go. (didn't want to go and praying that it would just go away) But now it hasn't and I'm going to have to go in. Tom thinks its a hernia. I really hope that it's not. Ed is freaking out I'm freaking out. I'm not sure how I'm going to live or if ..
Just sucks because if it is a hernia, I mean it could be many reasons of stress but it also could be because of Ed. The problem for me is that I wanted the option for once. I wanted to decide and not have someone tell me what to do, how to do it, why to do it. I wanted it! But it's looking like once again all the power is taken from me and it just makes me more upset then before.
I would like to say it's not fair, but I know how most ppl consider the 'it's not fair' phrase and actually judge right away going well we had this or that. It's more of them saying suck it up already.
When it came to my brothers and sister the other night I guess maybe I should have said what happened if you were just told right now you don't have a job, Deal With It! I'm sure they wouldn't of liked that.
Well, it is what it is. I can't do anything right now about it. Try to get into the doctors and go from there. Hopefully it is just an overreaction. That's what I'm praying for. As for now it's just going to be having ensures because that's all I can handle.
Well here's the issue. The other morning I decided because I had been restricting that I would have an ensure. I had been awake since 3 a.m. and so a quarter to 5 a.m. I thought drink an ensure and go to bed then you wouldn't even know you had it you could pretend it was a dream. But at least I would have something in me. That's what I did, only problem is I got really sick. I felt like crap the whole day really. Then later on .. mid afternoon I went to the bathroom and noticed in the mirror that my stomach was like huge looking like I was 3 or 4 months pregnant. So I panic thinking omg. I had Tom pick up a pregnancy test just in case and it was negative so that was good but then it was like why is my stomach so far out !? Tom thought I was bloated because I just had my period. Well the next day we go to the store and get some over the counter meds and he thought I should get laxatives as well. I tell you I have never in my life taken a laxative and I don't understand how ppl can. It .. just that is not right. But I guess purging some ppl see it the same way.
The bloating didn't go away and it wasn't until the next day that I felt a harder spot and it was sensitive. I was putting away groceries and hit the counter top and I was just like omgosh ouch! So when Tom got home I showed him and he wanted to take me to the doctors, but I had other plans that I just couldn't go. (didn't want to go and praying that it would just go away) But now it hasn't and I'm going to have to go in. Tom thinks its a hernia. I really hope that it's not. Ed is freaking out I'm freaking out. I'm not sure how I'm going to live or if ..
Just sucks because if it is a hernia, I mean it could be many reasons of stress but it also could be because of Ed. The problem for me is that I wanted the option for once. I wanted to decide and not have someone tell me what to do, how to do it, why to do it. I wanted it! But it's looking like once again all the power is taken from me and it just makes me more upset then before.
I would like to say it's not fair, but I know how most ppl consider the 'it's not fair' phrase and actually judge right away going well we had this or that. It's more of them saying suck it up already.
When it came to my brothers and sister the other night I guess maybe I should have said what happened if you were just told right now you don't have a job, Deal With It! I'm sure they wouldn't of liked that.
Well, it is what it is. I can't do anything right now about it. Try to get into the doctors and go from there. Hopefully it is just an overreaction. That's what I'm praying for. As for now it's just going to be having ensures because that's all I can handle.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
What a Weekend!
Well went home and at first I was excited to see everyone. Specially considering all but my two brothers knew about it. I was nervous to eat, because I had a feeling that they were going to be watching my every move. Which guess they did. But obviously I ate because I gained 6lbs. But no, of course that's not good enough.
When they confronted me about Ed they had some questions and I was like okay I can do this no problem. It really wasn't all that bad. But it would be like I was trying to word my questions in a way that a person who doesn't understand Ed would understand it. My one brother told me I look like shit and I just laughed and said a.. ya that doesn't help. Another brother was like just eat. Again that isn't that simple. It's like I can't get thru to them and they are just like you get to control your life you get to decide. Meaning decide whether or not to live or die.
I was surprised how supportive my mom was tho. Which was a bit unusual. My sister said that I went and purged a sandwich that I ate (which my mom had already asked me and I told her no) but no one was going to believe me until my mom said no she already told me. But it's like okay the bathroom is not only used for one thing in my life.. sometimes I actually use the toilet to go # 1 or 2. Specially considering how much I was eating there. What was kind of funny to me, she was like there was this book on Dr. Phil and I was like ya I know Jenni Schaefer. I'm like got the book .. read it. Trying to use the tools that she talks about. But then my mom still writes it down on a note. So, Idk if she believed me or was just making sure just in case. Oh well not sometimes I'm worried about:)
Then it sucked because the second night my sister got into it with me. She's very pushy about me going into treatment .. and it's just not going to happen. She's telling me things are not working obviously with my team. Well, that's my decision to make. I kind of figure that if I do look like 'shit' it's because I'm working thru all my emotions. Oh and when I told my family that I'm working thru things, I had some of them say just get over it. Move on. Cuz you are the ones with the degrees or know anything about Ed. Got it. But back to my sister and my convo. I started to get like heated up and so when I do that now I just have to remove myself from the situation. It's been whats best for me. It's not saying I can't come back to the convo later or the next day, just it has to end right there and now cause I can't go forward. Well she got pissed and left. My sister-in-law went after her and after awhile I went outside. I apologized that I had to remove myself and that if I said anything that hurt her but it's me.
This is what I find hypocritical. After I thought that things were smooth I asked for a hug and she said she wouldn't give me a hug cause she's not fake like that. I was to say the least shocked. I asked to hug my sister because I loved her. Not to say that it was fake, but I guess whatever. I like how it was okay for her to say that she wouldn't give me a hug, but I can't decide to leave a situation that I felt was about to get out of hand !? Guess your choices are more important and what not then mine are for myself.
Now I'm just wondering how I am going to let all this effect me. Or where my relationship with my family will continue. How much I am willing to trust it again.
When they confronted me about Ed they had some questions and I was like okay I can do this no problem. It really wasn't all that bad. But it would be like I was trying to word my questions in a way that a person who doesn't understand Ed would understand it. My one brother told me I look like shit and I just laughed and said a.. ya that doesn't help. Another brother was like just eat. Again that isn't that simple. It's like I can't get thru to them and they are just like you get to control your life you get to decide. Meaning decide whether or not to live or die.
I was surprised how supportive my mom was tho. Which was a bit unusual. My sister said that I went and purged a sandwich that I ate (which my mom had already asked me and I told her no) but no one was going to believe me until my mom said no she already told me. But it's like okay the bathroom is not only used for one thing in my life.. sometimes I actually use the toilet to go # 1 or 2. Specially considering how much I was eating there. What was kind of funny to me, she was like there was this book on Dr. Phil and I was like ya I know Jenni Schaefer. I'm like got the book .. read it. Trying to use the tools that she talks about. But then my mom still writes it down on a note. So, Idk if she believed me or was just making sure just in case. Oh well not sometimes I'm worried about:)
Then it sucked because the second night my sister got into it with me. She's very pushy about me going into treatment .. and it's just not going to happen. She's telling me things are not working obviously with my team. Well, that's my decision to make. I kind of figure that if I do look like 'shit' it's because I'm working thru all my emotions. Oh and when I told my family that I'm working thru things, I had some of them say just get over it. Move on. Cuz you are the ones with the degrees or know anything about Ed. Got it. But back to my sister and my convo. I started to get like heated up and so when I do that now I just have to remove myself from the situation. It's been whats best for me. It's not saying I can't come back to the convo later or the next day, just it has to end right there and now cause I can't go forward. Well she got pissed and left. My sister-in-law went after her and after awhile I went outside. I apologized that I had to remove myself and that if I said anything that hurt her but it's me.
This is what I find hypocritical. After I thought that things were smooth I asked for a hug and she said she wouldn't give me a hug cause she's not fake like that. I was to say the least shocked. I asked to hug my sister because I loved her. Not to say that it was fake, but I guess whatever. I like how it was okay for her to say that she wouldn't give me a hug, but I can't decide to leave a situation that I felt was about to get out of hand !? Guess your choices are more important and what not then mine are for myself.
Now I'm just wondering how I am going to let all this effect me. Or where my relationship with my family will continue. How much I am willing to trust it again.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
quirks
So I'm slowly learning to love myself because of my weirdness. And I'm actually getting proud of them.
For one.. is listening to music and that my boys .. ya boys are singing:) they like to play the piano. Eventho they won't listen to me on teaching them .. they just bang on the keys. I figure whatever your only 4 and 7 .. just have fun for now. I figure too that they like to sing more then anything so ya. The other part that I love about them is when I'll play music I'll have it turned blaring and we'll just dance like idiots!:) Just whatever we want to do. Frickin Zae the one day started to do the robot.. it was hilarious!!!! I just love making them feel comfortable in their skin and who they are.
My quirks are the one thing that have always held me back. That have kept me with ed. No one seems to ever see me for ME. I might say the wrong thing at the wrong time, but never on purpose. This is not what I wanted for my life. Just hard now because it's become my life. I want to change it. I know that I can change it. And maybe it's wrong of me to think that I need less of something else so that I can concentrate on fixing me. When I say fixing I mean getting healthy and being good with that.
I still don't understand how ppl can eat food without having a thought of it. Just why is it after I eat a strawberry (for an example) I'll immediately start to kinda panic. And ppl can sit down like Tom and eat a whole cheeseburger and fries with no worries. Really wished I could turn back time to be that type of person.
But back to my quirks is .. well I'm different. And I'm supposed to be different. I'm not supposed to be like you, or what you think I should be. My mind tells me who and what I am.. I really hope that believing this will help me thru things.
For one.. is listening to music and that my boys .. ya boys are singing:) they like to play the piano. Eventho they won't listen to me on teaching them .. they just bang on the keys. I figure whatever your only 4 and 7 .. just have fun for now. I figure too that they like to sing more then anything so ya. The other part that I love about them is when I'll play music I'll have it turned blaring and we'll just dance like idiots!:) Just whatever we want to do. Frickin Zae the one day started to do the robot.. it was hilarious!!!! I just love making them feel comfortable in their skin and who they are.
My quirks are the one thing that have always held me back. That have kept me with ed. No one seems to ever see me for ME. I might say the wrong thing at the wrong time, but never on purpose. This is not what I wanted for my life. Just hard now because it's become my life. I want to change it. I know that I can change it. And maybe it's wrong of me to think that I need less of something else so that I can concentrate on fixing me. When I say fixing I mean getting healthy and being good with that.
I still don't understand how ppl can eat food without having a thought of it. Just why is it after I eat a strawberry (for an example) I'll immediately start to kinda panic. And ppl can sit down like Tom and eat a whole cheeseburger and fries with no worries. Really wished I could turn back time to be that type of person.
But back to my quirks is .. well I'm different. And I'm supposed to be different. I'm not supposed to be like you, or what you think I should be. My mind tells me who and what I am.. I really hope that believing this will help me thru things.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Vaca Time
So to be honest .. well now that I'm back I'm disappointed. We ran around it seemed nearly every day until the last day was actually one of my favorite times. Just to be able to sit out in the sun and relax. Plus too it didn't help sleeping at night with Tom. That guy is a pain in the ass to sleep with. If it's not snoring I'm getting hit in the face with an elbow. So annoying!
But the kids had so much fun that you can't complain too much :) They were so excited and just had a good time. Zaelur was hilarious on how excited he was about everything. Including going on roller coasters. He did have to hold onto me but standing in line he was just like OH YA. And afterwards he'd do the same. It was cute!
But here comes the neg. I was hoping that I would eat. And I did.. at times. But going and running really more allowed me to not eat. Plus to the food that they offer is just disgusting. They really need to come up with something better. Also, it upsets me because Tom knows I don't like hamburger and I don't like Pizza .. which is like what he can live off of.. yuck! But it's like what we have to look for to eat because he wants it. Sometimes I think I want a bite, yet as soon as I do I want to just vomit.
So heres the bigger deal. I leave in two days. And I know I'm going back more for the family, yet I also know that they are going to be watching me and my habits .. maybe calling me out maybe not. It's just frustrating to think of it tho. I keep trying to tell myself it's not til Friday don't stress about it now, and yet I can't help it.
The other problem I am having is that .. well I don't know if it is from hitting my head the other week or if it's because of Ed, but recently at night when I awake I can't see. Like at all. It's all black. And when I say black I mean black. I can't see figures or anything. I know I should go to the doctors but I really don't have the money and I'm just hoping it'll go away. The only thing is that my grandmother did go blind so I'm not sure if it's something that is running down the line or if it's just because of the hit on my head. I know I know.. stupid that I shouldn't just go to the doctors and find out .. which when I come back if that is the case I will go. Just right now I don't want to see a damn doctor. I don't like them. I didn't like them in South Dakota and I hate them even more here in Nevada! They truly suck!
It's just weird tho, because if I get up to go to the bathroom and as long as I turn on the light my vision comes back just fine. So I don't know if it's because of my black eye and the fact that I stayed inside for the last week, and then went out into the sun for 4 days that it caused this and my eye is just now adjusting, I mean it did do it the second day in Ca. but I figured it was just .. well not I didn't figure anything I didn't know what was going on. Just hopefully I'm stressing about nothing.
Well, wish me luck this weekend!!! I def. need some prayers!
But the kids had so much fun that you can't complain too much :) They were so excited and just had a good time. Zaelur was hilarious on how excited he was about everything. Including going on roller coasters. He did have to hold onto me but standing in line he was just like OH YA. And afterwards he'd do the same. It was cute!
But here comes the neg. I was hoping that I would eat. And I did.. at times. But going and running really more allowed me to not eat. Plus to the food that they offer is just disgusting. They really need to come up with something better. Also, it upsets me because Tom knows I don't like hamburger and I don't like Pizza .. which is like what he can live off of.. yuck! But it's like what we have to look for to eat because he wants it. Sometimes I think I want a bite, yet as soon as I do I want to just vomit.
So heres the bigger deal. I leave in two days. And I know I'm going back more for the family, yet I also know that they are going to be watching me and my habits .. maybe calling me out maybe not. It's just frustrating to think of it tho. I keep trying to tell myself it's not til Friday don't stress about it now, and yet I can't help it.
The other problem I am having is that .. well I don't know if it is from hitting my head the other week or if it's because of Ed, but recently at night when I awake I can't see. Like at all. It's all black. And when I say black I mean black. I can't see figures or anything. I know I should go to the doctors but I really don't have the money and I'm just hoping it'll go away. The only thing is that my grandmother did go blind so I'm not sure if it's something that is running down the line or if it's just because of the hit on my head. I know I know.. stupid that I shouldn't just go to the doctors and find out .. which when I come back if that is the case I will go. Just right now I don't want to see a damn doctor. I don't like them. I didn't like them in South Dakota and I hate them even more here in Nevada! They truly suck!
It's just weird tho, because if I get up to go to the bathroom and as long as I turn on the light my vision comes back just fine. So I don't know if it's because of my black eye and the fact that I stayed inside for the last week, and then went out into the sun for 4 days that it caused this and my eye is just now adjusting, I mean it did do it the second day in Ca. but I figured it was just .. well not I didn't figure anything I didn't know what was going on. Just hopefully I'm stressing about nothing.
Well, wish me luck this weekend!!! I def. need some prayers!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
YAY!:)
Beach here comes my ass:) haha!!
I did pack foods that I was comfortable eating cause I really .. I can't describe it. I don't want to be questioned and I don't want to feel like I need to go purge it either. So I'm glad that I woke up this morning at 5 and maybe a .. no a lot tired I thought of taking the good foods. Now the test is if I actually eat them. :( Only because I know the only things that are going to be close to eating are going to be like fast food and oh hell no! And the thing is too is that fast food has truly nothing to do with my Ed, it's just plain and simple that I don't like it. Nor have I ever. It tastes nasty!
Anyways, positive thoughts today:) Beach day. Although with a black eye it kinda sucks but hey move forward hah! I can not wait to be on vaca and hopefully just smile for once in a long time that isn't forced or because I am laughing but because I am actually just happy to have that moment. Which now makes me cry. God I'm such a cry baby. :P But seeing my kids laugh and smile cause they are having a great time just makes me feel like I am giving them something that I never had. And it's really rude to say that but it is also the truth. Most of my memories are with my friends.. which are not all bad or anything like that but just different if you get what I mean.
Well, I better finish packing up here and trying to repair this eye so that hopefully I don't get so many looks ?!?!? Please at least. Damn thing needs to heal!! But I'm looking forward to this weekend and just laying in the sun and just hearing laughing and hopefully no fighting, crap there it goes again with negative.. never ends! Flippin Ed! Always finds a reason or why.
Okay. Wish me luck on having a good vaca:) And shoot good with Ed. I don't like saying that really.. a.. but.. said it .. it's done. Um.. anyways. Done lol
I did pack foods that I was comfortable eating cause I really .. I can't describe it. I don't want to be questioned and I don't want to feel like I need to go purge it either. So I'm glad that I woke up this morning at 5 and maybe a .. no a lot tired I thought of taking the good foods. Now the test is if I actually eat them. :( Only because I know the only things that are going to be close to eating are going to be like fast food and oh hell no! And the thing is too is that fast food has truly nothing to do with my Ed, it's just plain and simple that I don't like it. Nor have I ever. It tastes nasty!
Anyways, positive thoughts today:) Beach day. Although with a black eye it kinda sucks but hey move forward hah! I can not wait to be on vaca and hopefully just smile for once in a long time that isn't forced or because I am laughing but because I am actually just happy to have that moment. Which now makes me cry. God I'm such a cry baby. :P But seeing my kids laugh and smile cause they are having a great time just makes me feel like I am giving them something that I never had. And it's really rude to say that but it is also the truth. Most of my memories are with my friends.. which are not all bad or anything like that but just different if you get what I mean.
Well, I better finish packing up here and trying to repair this eye so that hopefully I don't get so many looks ?!?!? Please at least. Damn thing needs to heal!! But I'm looking forward to this weekend and just laying in the sun and just hearing laughing and hopefully no fighting, crap there it goes again with negative.. never ends! Flippin Ed! Always finds a reason or why.
Okay. Wish me luck on having a good vaca:) And shoot good with Ed. I don't like saying that really.. a.. but.. said it .. it's done. Um.. anyways. Done lol
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Decisions
I'm almost at the point where I want someone to take over for me. I'm obviously not capable of making the correct ones. It's just like as soon as I make a decision something back fires on me and then I'm in more a distraught mind set then I was before and I can't let it go.
So, not only is my eye black and blue .. incredibly so. And I'm refusing to go outside to have someone see me. Who gets in a fight with a toilet.. Me that's who. I'm apparently horrible at it too! haha. Well, I have been getting headaches after I do something, like clean and then I'll have to lay down and I've just been trying to get as much rest, putting ice and heat on my eye hoping that by Thursday it doesn't look so bad. I really don't need to draw ANY attention to myself. But so what I was getting at was I found out the other day that my whole family is gathering and then yesterday my brother calls to tell me he'll fly us up to be there. Obviously Tom would not be apart of the conversation that my family would have together, but even then Tom can't make it because of work. And then too I was just confused. I don't want hand outs and I appreciate the fact that he would offer this and I want to go home at the same time. But nothing is set in stone either so I have no idea what's going on. I just feel guilty, but I want to see my family. It could be the last time I see my dad.
Well, I cried and talked with Tom, then thought you know I'm going to call my mom. She did say she would like to see me but that she really didn't think that anything from this meeting was going to settle anything and that there probably would be another .. to just wait for that. She made me feel more comfortable with the choice I made that I would not go back and just either be on speaker phone or skype to be apart of the convo. Then I call my brother and he's like pretty much saying no I need to come. Talked with my sister and she did say I could skype but that she thought I should be there as well. Now that just puts everything up in the air.
I'm not sure if something will happen like it did last summer and I get into an argument and right now without Tom being there I don't know if I could handle that. I really am an emotion wreck right now. (might be an understatement hah)
I know if I went back I would get to see Brayd, but he'll also be home soon .. it would only be another couple days. And then I just think about being home and getting thoughts out, walking around with no one around and just feeling free again.
Oh and then to top things off, ahh.. my mother-in-law stops by last night and Tom opens the door. I had no where to go. We had been talking about me going and so I'm sitting there going OH SH*T. I mean really no one buys this story of the toilet, and trust me if I had a different story it would come out. It's gotta be the stupidest thing that I could do to give myself a black eye. I mean seriously. It sounds like a lie to me.. only problem is it's not:( So then I have to explain to her what happened and then she's like well I came over to see if you wanted to go over to her other sons house to see the baby. And I just said I would love to but I really don't want to be seen like this. So now I wonder what stories I'll here next on how I probably got hit by Tom and that I deserved that too. Just not in the mood anymore. OOo.. tho:) heheh. My devious side hahaha. While she was here I threw in some dags about how I'm done with the drama I don't need ppl talking behind my back and saying things that just are not true. Ah and there was one more line I said but I can't think of it off hand anymore. I will as soon as I'm done here of course but ya I just was happy that I took that opportunity to call her out.
Okay, well, I will know by tomorrow what I'm going to do. If I do go home pray for me:) My kids will love it.. I know that much which just makes the decision even harder. They get to see all the cousins and then they just love being in the small town playing. They get to run wherever and they no that:p And then on Thursday we go out to Cali. I am hoping I won't have to cut that short, which I might if I have to fly out on Monday. Gosh .. just so much going thru my head! I hate it! Til next time.
So, not only is my eye black and blue .. incredibly so. And I'm refusing to go outside to have someone see me. Who gets in a fight with a toilet.. Me that's who. I'm apparently horrible at it too! haha. Well, I have been getting headaches after I do something, like clean and then I'll have to lay down and I've just been trying to get as much rest, putting ice and heat on my eye hoping that by Thursday it doesn't look so bad. I really don't need to draw ANY attention to myself. But so what I was getting at was I found out the other day that my whole family is gathering and then yesterday my brother calls to tell me he'll fly us up to be there. Obviously Tom would not be apart of the conversation that my family would have together, but even then Tom can't make it because of work. And then too I was just confused. I don't want hand outs and I appreciate the fact that he would offer this and I want to go home at the same time. But nothing is set in stone either so I have no idea what's going on. I just feel guilty, but I want to see my family. It could be the last time I see my dad.
Well, I cried and talked with Tom, then thought you know I'm going to call my mom. She did say she would like to see me but that she really didn't think that anything from this meeting was going to settle anything and that there probably would be another .. to just wait for that. She made me feel more comfortable with the choice I made that I would not go back and just either be on speaker phone or skype to be apart of the convo. Then I call my brother and he's like pretty much saying no I need to come. Talked with my sister and she did say I could skype but that she thought I should be there as well. Now that just puts everything up in the air.
I'm not sure if something will happen like it did last summer and I get into an argument and right now without Tom being there I don't know if I could handle that. I really am an emotion wreck right now. (might be an understatement hah)
I know if I went back I would get to see Brayd, but he'll also be home soon .. it would only be another couple days. And then I just think about being home and getting thoughts out, walking around with no one around and just feeling free again.
Oh and then to top things off, ahh.. my mother-in-law stops by last night and Tom opens the door. I had no where to go. We had been talking about me going and so I'm sitting there going OH SH*T. I mean really no one buys this story of the toilet, and trust me if I had a different story it would come out. It's gotta be the stupidest thing that I could do to give myself a black eye. I mean seriously. It sounds like a lie to me.. only problem is it's not:( So then I have to explain to her what happened and then she's like well I came over to see if you wanted to go over to her other sons house to see the baby. And I just said I would love to but I really don't want to be seen like this. So now I wonder what stories I'll here next on how I probably got hit by Tom and that I deserved that too. Just not in the mood anymore. OOo.. tho:) heheh. My devious side hahaha. While she was here I threw in some dags about how I'm done with the drama I don't need ppl talking behind my back and saying things that just are not true. Ah and there was one more line I said but I can't think of it off hand anymore. I will as soon as I'm done here of course but ya I just was happy that I took that opportunity to call her out.
Okay, well, I will know by tomorrow what I'm going to do. If I do go home pray for me:) My kids will love it.. I know that much which just makes the decision even harder. They get to see all the cousins and then they just love being in the small town playing. They get to run wherever and they no that:p And then on Thursday we go out to Cali. I am hoping I won't have to cut that short, which I might if I have to fly out on Monday. Gosh .. just so much going thru my head! I hate it! Til next time.
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