Have to pick myself up again

I've been wanting to write about this for quite some time now, but I just couldn't pull myself to do so. I still don't know how long this will take me but I am determined to get this out.

I was on that diet for my autoimmune disorder, and then basically after going back home in the summer and eating just regular food and not gaining any weight or having any problems I just sorta stopped with the diet. It was kinda nice again to go and eat normal meals and not be worried.

Then in October my life took an unexpected turn. It was Wednesday the 29th at 1:04 p.m. I was just finishing cooking some lunch and my rings. Now mind you it seems like it wouldn't matter if I was eating at 11 or noon or 1 in between or if I didn't have a chance until 2 some reason my husband ALWAYS called me :) and he would ask what are you doing. I would only have to say seriously.. we'd laugh and he'd let me go. Well, when I answered he said you need to call your sister. I sat for a second and thought what .. why are you telling me I need to call my sister so I said okay why. He said you just need to call her she called me you need to call her. So then I'm going why didn't she just call me then???? I asked him and he then said that my brother-in-law shot himself. I couldn't think .. I couldn't respond. Everything froze at that time. And Tom says Trina did you hear me I couldn't even respond right away he had to say my name again and I then ya okay .. I immediately started crying. I was trying to pull myself together in 30 seconds to be able to talk to her and it wasn't good. My hometown is small so he was air evac to a city there and my sister was getting everything ready to go up. After I got off the phone with her I called my brother to tell him that he needed to take my sister up to Rapid that she shouldn't drive. Not realizing that my brother was out of town trucking and had no idea about it. He was snippy at first. I think he thought I was losing it and was going crazy or something, so then I had to tell him. He and my b-i-l were really good friends. And here my brother is driving a truck and 6 hrs away. It just sucked giving him that news like that.

Basically that day all I did was cry and here it's a Wednesday luckily Brayd road the bus home, but I had to get Kyler and his friend from school and pick up the friends sister to take them to religion. In the meanwhile I have calls that need to be made for just normal things that I couldn't put off. In between that and trying to find out what was going on. Thinking when I was going to be flying back cause I needed to get home for them. My nephew called at 3:32 p.m. and said that his step father was brain dead.. there's nothing they could do....

I liked my brother-in-law. But I mainly liked him because my sister loved him. And he was there for my nephew. He was my nephews father. Cuz he didn't have a father. His biological dad is 100% loser. Not because of money and that, it's because of other big reasons. My b-i-l had 3 children from a previous marriage, and all were married the oldest has 4 children and the second has 2. They were a family. It just made it really confusing on why he would do this. And it always will because he didn't leave a note or anything.

Thursday my sister would call and I had no words to say. I still don't. I can only cry with her. I want to take her pain. I can deal with it.. she shouldn't have to. She's such a great person and is always there for me being strong that just let me have her pain. Wednesday that it happened and Thursday nights I together go about 2hrs of sleep. So on Friday when we flew back I crashed on the plane. When we were getting on it was so hard to not be crying. Also when we were landing .. the kids were happy to be home because love going back, I knew how it was going to be for me tho.

My oldest brother was in Afghanistan on deployment. And he was able to come home for good, that was a positive if you want to say that. I mean I love my brother but for my sister and what she'll be dealing with from now on, I know he would have been fine over there if that meant this all didn't happen. But I am glad he's home do not get me wrong. I'm just saying that he only had one more month and if my b-i-l was alive and then my brother would have been back .. I don't if I'm making sense now.

What I was trying to get at tho is my second oldest brother was picking us up from the airport. So here he meets us up top .. well he came behind me and grabbed my ribs which I thought was Tom and was about to yell at him:) Then we get down to baggage claim, and never anytime we've ever flow has all our bags came out first and were talking 5 bags.. So here's the deal. My sister-in-law had told me earlier that day that my other 2 brothers and my sister and my nephew would be there when we flew in. So I had msg my sister when we landed to see if she was still in town or back at the house. She said that they went home. Oh okay no biggie, we'll see ya in a couple hrs. So as we are walking out, out of no where this person grabs me from behind and I look up to see my one brother and Tom so then I'm going who the fuck has a hold of me. Well, it was another brother (guess i should go with names but I'm not going to go back thru and change now haha) so I hug him. Then I turn to see my nephew.. still not clicking then that that would mean my other brother and sister would be there as well.

It was a nice welcoming but also a very sad one. The only thing that I really liked is the fact that it showed how much we have each others back. How even tho we fight at times and get annoyed with each other we are truly there for each other.

Oh to back up a little bit. My b-i-l stayed on life support til that Friday because they donated his organs. That morning my sister called early. I was awake anyways cause i couldn't sleep. Well it was the first night since it all happened that she slept. And she woke up alone and realized it all .. we cried with no words. Then she goes what is today anyways? I didn't answer I wasn't about to, because it was my birthday and I already knew what was going on. Then she said oh Happy Birthday Trina I'm so sorry. I almost wished she didn't remember what day it was. The ironic part of it all was that the week before my husband said what do you want to do for your birthday. I said nothing I don't want anything I really just don't even want my birthday to come. My sister had had a dream a week before that her husband was leaving her, but when she woke up he was there so she just figured it was a nightmare ya know, nothing to it. I don't know what to think. For me did I not want my birthday to come because of what was about to happen. Did she have a dream because it happened, he left. Some ppl believe in those sort of things, and now I somewhat do as well.

Another funny part was that the rest of my family was down at the bar having a couple drinks and my sister and I were going to go, but then she said she didn't want to be around anyone and my family said they wouldn't be long, so I said I'd go for just a bit and then be back up to her house. Well my family trying to be nice, gets the band to sing happy birthday to me. The next morning cause my mom went home before I got there, well I can't even recall who said what, but it was brought up about someone getting sang to for the birthday, and my mom goes "who's birthday is it?" Seriously mom:) Hello!!! lol

But that Friday night I planned and had asked my sister to stay with her. It was going to be her first night back in her house and the last thing I wanted was for her to wake up alone. Now mind you we shared a bed for 11 1/2 yrs of my life before she left for college, and when she would come back there were still times we would share. Then I spent two different summers with her. So we were used to sleeping together. Might sound a little weird that two grow sisters are sleeping together but we close. In the morning she got up, I hardly slept so I was awake but just laying there. She went into the bathroom and I just heard her sobbing. I wanted to hug her to tell her it will be all okay. But there's no okay in this.

I could go on a lot about this. I am so mad at him. He took part of my sister with him because he was so incredibly selfish in that moment. I really hope that it was just a 10 second dumb decision. That if he would have stopped for just another few seconds he would have saw his wife, his children, his grandchildren, his sisters and brothers. His extended family.

My sister is my best friend. I used to be able to call her and bitch about Tom and she would have complaints about her husband, sometimes it would be identical to what each of them were doing, so we'd laugh. Now, well there's not a chance in hell that I will call her to complain about my husband. I still have him around. I can't do that anymore with her. And she was the one I could be honest with. Mainly because I knew no matter what she would always love me, might not like me at times but would always ALWAYS be there. I know she still will be there if i needed her .. it's just different now. Like when we were back home Tom road in to my sisters house with us to get another vehicle to take back to my parents and when he was getting out he just naturally kissed  me .. I gave him this look of like what the fuck are you doing???? No! Like she just lost her husband lets rub it in.

So here's the thing. Since then. I have been a mess. I wasn't really all that great before it, but afterwards I am a hot mess. I'm trying to get passed this .. not the whole thing but this moment I'm in. Cause I feel back with Ed. The only difference now is I actually kinda hate it. Before I used to I guess like it. I didn't have a problem .. it's somewhat difficult to explain. When I wouldn't eat or if I did and purged the purging was easy. It is easy for the most part right now as well, but then it was just well I guess like I wasn't feeling. Now I'm feeling and I hate it.

I think I went back to Ed believing in some way that I wouldn't feel anymore. When all it has done is made me feel even worse. Ed used to make me feel strong almost confident and now I feel completely the opposite. I've noticed that when I pick up the kids I keep my head down or if I'm out in public I am always looking down.

I'll be stopping here after this, but I'm really hoping that this new year will bring something better. Just even if it's little. I would like hope again.

Ed Deep

I have fallen. BAD. Everything that I worked for seems to just get shoved out the window .. the worst part is yesterday I couldn't even act out. I gained probably around 5 lbs.. It doesn't take me much to gain. Like just a piece of toast and for some reason it'll be 2 lbs. Tom doesn't get it, I can't explain it. I just know that it was it is.

Right now things are out of my control, and I can't stand it. I am constantly on the go, which then you would think would be easy for me to just not eat, but ya.. find time for that. Idiot! (Me I'm saying)

I don't know how to do this anymore. Everything that I learn or was told was to be selfish. Get yourself better, but how can I do that when I'm constantly having to put my kids and Tom before me... All I do every day is run around. I barely get to sit down and relax. Probably the reason why I'm gaining wight. You'd think with the constant go go I wouldn't gain but ya I do. Pisses me off.

I desperately want to go back in time. I want to be where I was like a year and half ago. It makes me so upset, I cry about it all the time. And I'm alone.. it doesn't seem like anyone gets it.

I just don't know how to be happy, I pray and ask for guidance and maybe I'm not listening good enough. I just know I don't want to be this.. what I am.

F*CK U!!!!

WHy?????? WHY????

I can't stand you but it seems I can't live without you either. :(

Why I feel the way I do.. I don't know.. I wished only that I could feel that calm.. that feeling of it doesn't matter and it's all good.

Only problem.. it isn't.

I see the mirror.. I see what others see. It bothers me because deep down my heart isn't what I portray. I am easily hurt. I cry a lot. I wished others saw how soft hearted I am. But well I'm a bitch.

I'm a bitch because I have to protect myself. I'm the only one looking out for myself.. so I have to defend myself so if that means being a bitch well that's what it is..

Why isn't it ppl can't see me for me?? I'm not always right or nice or whatever but I don't want to hurt you.. why can't you see that??

Guess there's something wrong with me :(

Do You Ever?

There are times that I will be  sitting here and will pull my legs up. grab them so tight! and just breath.

I don't understand why I can't get over this. Why I've become so raw. It completely sucks!!!

Just wish that someone could convince me that I am how I think I am. I look in the mirror .. not at my body but my eyes and they are so sad I hate it!!! I don't know how to get over it. Wished I could thousands and thousands of times!!

This is not the life that I want for anyone.. not myself and def. not for anyone else. SO hey if you read this and your in your teenage yrs.. try to belive this! God made you to be you! You are your own person beautiful inside and out. Don't got down this road it gets you pretty much no where. I would never think of having that towards my worst enemy tohave.. the thoughts I do.

Hug yourself.. love youself!!!! That's what I keep trying to tell me.  God has me here for a reason .. believe it! Convince yourself.. hear it .. open your ears and listen.. it's hard it's not a fun road but belive that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Unsure

I have been really struggling. So much is going on.. I'm really truly sad but it doesn't seem to stop people from wanting to tear me into pieces. All I can think is okay you've accomplished it .. you destroyed me now just move on! So tired of crying.

I envy those who are happy .. I mean obviously they are not always happy .. cause who can be .. it's not a possibility. Just isn't:) But to go thru a day without a constant battle going on.. It would be so heavenly.

I was really bothered today. I apologized to my mom for yelling at her. Which I don't apologize why I did, I apologize because of how I handle the situation. Of course she has nothing nice to say. Not sure why I keep bothering.. Insanity!!!! Then I'm upset and Tom has to voice his opinion on shit. And it's like really buddy like you were that great to me?!?! His whole thing now is that he's changed. a... ya .. lets see how long it lasts and then we'll talk. Cause it's been almost 10 yrs and it's just recently changed since well like January when I got really sick. Other then that he didn't give a freaking fly's ass.

Well it's getting pretty late. I best try to sleep. Get some type of rest anyways.

Not sure where I go from here tho. Time will tell.

Not Lying

Seriously I refuse to. I might not hold up to what I hope for myself but I'll be completely honest about it.. done hiding and trying to protect Ed.

After I went back home I haven't been able to pull myself out. I keep saying at night that tomorrow I will but then tomorrow comes and I feel overwhelmed and frustrated that I just can't seem to do it.

I feel Guilty. Hate saying that I'll do something and then turn out not doing it! I don't want to be a liar! And I don't know how or what to do. I'm trying slowly.. finally. I made myself have an ensure, so at least I got some nutritious.. and I don't feel guilty about that. I can drink things and feel okay about it.. but food.. Not okay right now! I need to get back where I was. I can feel the affect. I don't like it either.

Part of me of course is happy that I lost the weight but I hate myself all at the sametime! Guess I am being selfish. You bitch for saying that to me! (my mom).

I've tried SO hard to forgive her for things. But then she does it again and it's like WHY????? Why am I supposed to forgive this!? Time doesn't heal all wounds that's for sure.

At least with Tom I can be 100% honest. More then that.. probably TMI haha! But he's been good about it. Pacient and knowing that I can get back on track. He's letting me have my little fit. And I appreciate it!

I just don't want to end back up in the hospital.. I can't take away from my kids anymore. And yet I don't know what more to do:(

SELFISH!

So last second.. decided to fly back home. ugh

Got everything scheduled with my sister (after talking to her telling her it was becoming too much she took over.. which I LOVE HER for!!!!!) Got it so that we surprised my parents on us on our visit .. their bdays.. and their anny.. but ...

Ya BUT.

My mom and I went off on each other. One she got eye surgery. The dr. told me what to have her to do .. she didn't want to listen. Guess I don't know shit.. just like it was when I was there.. but whatever..

So we scream at each other... over nonsense. I didn't want to go there, but you start coming at me, my claws will come out!!!!!

TO tell me that I'm a selfish Bitch.. well I am a selfish Bitch.. I need to live! SO go screw yourself!

Then to think I have my husband behind meee... ya go figure..

we come home and he tells me to get over myself.. Thanks.. Thanks for having my back.

Guess I was wrong!!!!!!!
So here I am..  Stuck.. not knowing what to do .... howto change.. how to believe..

And just when I think I can get rid of you

For some reason I have always convinced myself that my relationship with Ed wasn't so intense as it was.  ... Well it's Big!! BIG!

It's more then a break up with a bf.. it's a marriage that I feel like I can't live without. And it's a definite Love/Hate relationship.

I want to feel good about myself and be able to tell everyone else how well I am, but the other part of me feels like the only part of me that will be accepted is if I act out with Ed. and we all know too well how ed feels on that one. OH yes.. he Loves It!! And part of me loves it as well.

I just don't understand myself. I allow myself right now to be dictated by the morning. If I wake up and I'm iffy.. well then it's a "Bad Day". NO changing it either. And then I'll somehow try to convince myself that it's just that day and I'll start all new the next and we'll be on the right track. Which lately my track is all over the place!

I do feel good tho when I do have a good day. Can't say I like the scale so much tho. I'm already 'overweight' in my mind so to continue to go on this strict meal plan to not lose any weight just discourages me even more and .. well then I tend to just drown in my own tears.

I just wished there was someone that I could truly relate to. Understanding that I have to put myself last because of my kids and husband but at the same time am almost selfish (cause I consider Ed as being selfish in my situation). It's just hard feeling completely alone but yet surrounded my many. I don't know how to handle it. :(

Something I Just Have to Do

I don't know where my life is going to take me. Because a yr ago if you would have told me I'd be in this position. Well my first response would definetly of been run like hell. Altho it would have just caught up to me anyways.

I always go back and think if I did this or that. I tend to live in the past a lot. Specially now. Specially weighing what I do. And I know it's just a number but that number is what I want. It's like I worked so hard to get it and it was just ripped out from under my feet. There's nothing I can do about it either.

Eventho I purged I can't do it like I had. I thought I had tricked my body, which I had a couple times, but it caught on real fast. too fast.

And the fact that the stupid medicine makes me hungry. You would think just stop with the meds then right?! The only problem then is the AutoImmune picks back up and then I do stand a high chance of not seeing my kids grow. That's the only reason why I care. I probably should care enough not to want to act out as well, but that just seems to be on a different level.

What annoys me is when ppl say I need to learn a different copying mechanism. I have looked and everything I read it's just like nope nope nope.. I mean I like to do things like go on walks or listen to music but that doesn't change my mind. Once my mind is set there's no changing it. That's what has to change and I have to figure that out.

So after weeks. Almost a month I am going to attept this again. My reasoning is that hopefully I'll lose weight again, but if I gain I know I'll panic. I just pray that I can. And I'm accepting that I won't be what I was but I just want to be at a comfortable weight. So it's not like a big deal, just a big enough deal to me. And maybe then I won't be crying so much.

I did it!

So I was finally was able to purge again. So who won?!?

ED does a damn good job or saying in my mind YA YOU DID IT!!!! WOohoO!:)
Finally! You've only just got to keep going.

It's crazy to say aloud but it's not crazy when it is how I've been the most part of my life. When I first purged here (I've had a couple back to back days) my reaction was like so frickin happy couldn't believe it.. I did it I finally did it again. I was in control again.

I don't know what to say. What I know is that not too long ago I was content with me. And now .. I'm all over the place. I can't see anything I like anymore. I want to, I remember what I liked about me and I think about that but then I see myself in a mirror or reflextion and it brings me back to reality .. that that's all gone.

They really mean it when it's said that it's like breaking up with someone. One moment your content and happy with how things are going and the next you so despreately need it back in your life.

I have so many thoughts going threw my head, and there's just so much going on in my life between obligations and appts that I don't know how to get it out. I want some ME time and it's the last thing that I can have right now.

It was kinda funny this last time I was out to LA to meet my transplant team. When I talked with my Social worker and then also my nutrionist my husband was like oh she does so good keeping track of this or that and blah blah. And I just smile and said ya it's my eating disorder. He's like no.. and both of them were like yes it is .. it's all about control.

I know I have major control issues. It's never enough I always need to do more. I can't even stand to write sometimes because I dont like the way it looks so then it has to get redone to get redone. Just simply annoying.

Tomorrow is a new day. I know that.. I say that. What does it mean tho ?! *shrug*

Because I have to keep track of my calories, protein and sodium I can easily get discouraged. And then the fact that I have to weigh myself every day. Actually that one probably isn't so bad because I would have done it anyhow Heh. So at least now I have permission. Ya I always find a way to make it okay even when I know it's not.

Just really wished I could be normal when it comes to food. It's either I am upset because of the # or I am because I'm restricting. (and not losing any weight that I've gain.. VERY Frustrating!) But even then my dr. would not be happy with me. They wouldn't be happy with me if I told them now but if they could see it .. ya .. Idk.. there's probably no difference. But Ed gets in there and is like well you haven't made a difference so really your okay. F&ck.

So here we go new day. I will lay my head down and hopefully in the morning I won't despise you so much. Can only hope.

Even I don't understand

Things have been difficult to say the least. It doesn't help that my health issues are coming into play, but then to not go back to Ed or at least rely on Ed just frustrates me more.

I had a friend ask me the other day how I feel about it. And my honest reaction is Pissed! I get so mad that I cry and I feel like crap because I can't do it. I am not sure how to explain it, but it's the fact that now that food sits in me just makes me feel disgusiting and repulsive, and I want nothing more then to get rid of it. But I can't.

For those who dont understand it it's like well that's a good thing.. no.. not really. You just took away my option and that's the last thing I had and it was riped away from me. I am a control freak. Or at least I try to be. Obviously you can't control everything, but I sure try. And it's just not right! It's not fair! It was supposed to be my choice and my actions that took it away, not the other way around! I was to grow with eating and feeling good about it, instead it's more controlling then ever and I HATE IT!!!

Im so sick of ppl saying that it's your decisions and you pick your path you can either be happy or not. Well how is that the case. I didn't get to pick it. I didn't have an option. So how is it that I'm 'blaming' or whatever this whole thing on something else instead of just facing the facts.

I desperately want to go back two years. I want to go back before Tom introduced me to EDA. Granted I met some great ppl. (in which I suck and haven't been good about communicating with either). But before that, things were fine. Ya Tom and I fought, but it wasn't anything like ended up happening. And I was again the one that had to take the blame.

To have a lawyer say that I'm the one 'falling on the sword' .. to me that's an obvious that I was not solely responsible for that night.

You know I wasn't just fighting Tom I was fighting everything in my life. I was fighting all those ppl that pushed me aside or put me down that made me feel that little and stupid. Finally I was stepping up for myself. And what did I get from it.. hah. I got told again how it was my fault.

I went off my diet this week. That was the first mistake. I mean I usually will have a mess up every other day or so, but this week it's been constant. And it's showing and I'm feeling it as well. I just don't know how to get back on board. I'm mad I'm frustrated I'm sad.. probably most of all I'm alone. I don't even have Ed .. my best friend has left my side. Well except he's still there telling me how WRONG I am. But the way I acted out before has disappeared. It's like a distant dream.

It's almost 3 a.m. here now. I'm exhausted and just to elaborate on something else. My brother in law and his wife defriended me on fb. Not like it's that big of a deal because it's fb, but more of a deal because why?! I didn't realize that I did or say anything that would cause them to do that. And it's annoying because over the past years it's like we were always welcomed to their house and visa versa, but they were not willing to come to our house and for us to travel 45 mins to their house with 3 kids was sometimes just annoying to me. So sorry that I didn't constantly want to do that. And maybe I'm overreacting.. I'm not sure. I had bought an outfit for their baby back in Sept. And we were supposed to meet up twice, but both times they canceled. So here I have this outfit in which now I'm just donating, but it's ridiculous to me how they think everyone should go out of their way to go to them. But I guess that's Tom's family for you. Mine would drop everything if needed where his would ask questions and say well I'm not sure. Mine just reacts and askes questions later.

So to say the least. I decided to write to both my brother and sister in law and say that it's obvious that they deleted me, and I wasn't sure why, that I guess it must have been something that I wasn't aware of, but that I wished the both of them the best and that was basically it. I don't expect nor necessarily want them to friend me again, I think to defriend someone is childish, that's my own opinon. But it's just the fact that they are supposed to be family. And if they want to get like that, well hey you weren't there at the hospital when Zaelur was there for 10 days, but hey we came over twice while your baby was in the hospital to see how you were doing. It's to me a one sided arguement.

It just doesn't help with the stress and being mad about Ed and having to deal with my upcoming appt. at USC with the Hepatologist.. it's just like frucking cut me some slack already.

Ahh.. anyways. Done with that garbage.

I do want my relationship back with Ed.. I know that's crazy but I really do. It scares me to think that it's gone. That it's ended and I didn't even get to cut it off. I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel like I'm selfish for wanting this but I also feel so desperate to have Ed that it's just the only solution to be happy. I really don't know :/