Why can't I find it? Why can't I just be happy with what I have in life?
It's honestly hard to see others that go threw hardship and come out stronger then ever and are happy. And it's not like that I wish hardship on them, it's more of like they had it harder then I did.. do. But here I am. Stuck in a spot that I can't figure out if I care to get out of.
I just cry all the time. I'm so upset all the time. I don't like it. I hate it to be truthful. I want to be a mother that my kids like and I think if I'm doing anything is making their life worse. And maybe that's why I don't care if I leave this world. At least the good thing is that because of my religion I won't ever actually take my own life, but I guess I am taking my own life, just in a different type of way.
It's hard to look back and think when I had the boys. How great it felt when they were born, how I thought I would never let anything bad happen to them, but now .. it's not that I wouldn't want to not let anything bad happen, but in a way I am. I'm the bad. It's not like that I abuse them or anything, I just am taking away their happiness. Or at least that's how I feel. I am just so sad.
I know that I'm the only one that is to fight for me, I just wished there was one person that would fight for me and it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. To walk away from that is becoming more real but it doesn't make it any easier. And eventho I might end up being able to take care of the kids more, I do wonder how closer I will grow with ed. Considering that's all I'll have.
Hah, a bit of an off subject. When I do think of happiness this is one of my somewhat recent moments. Last summer I went back home. And to try to help my mom and just kind of be the daughter that she always said I wasn't. I made sure to cook dinners for the what.. 30 of us in total:) One day most of the fam was out and it was just my sister-in-law and then all the kids with us both, so let me think that's 11 of them. I do like to cook so I will say that. So I grilled up hamburgers and hot dogs, and some chicken. Nothing big or anything, but my parents grill is a lot different then mine. Anyways. After it cooled down my mom had come home and so I was asking her a question about it because I was trying to clean it up for the next time it was used. She went off on me about cooking up all this stuff. Which didn't make much sense considering 1. I bought the food. 2. I cooked it. and 3. I'm cleaning up .. not expecting her to do anything. Well, I got pissed. And usually when I say pissed it's actually I'm sad and hurt. So I slammed the door went and grabbed a beer and went out into the tall grass to sit in the sun.
Now, when I say tall grass I mean tall. Tom came looking for me and I could see him but I wouldn't say anything. I sat there and cried and drank my beer. But here's the kicker. For once I felt calm and just relaxed and happy. Sitting in the dirt/grass in the summer heat. I actually felt .. well the like 'just be'. I almost can't find the words for how wonderful it felt. Eventho I was crying. I want one of those moments again. Maybe without the crying haha. But I just want to Just Be. Just to take in the silence .. hear the birds, feel the breeze going thru, looking at the clouds.
Oh I'm going to have to try again. I'll probably wait til Monday because that's how I roll:) haha.. I have to make myself laugh every once in awhile. It's just scary to think of doing it again. But I'll pick myself up and try try again.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Sprial
This is how it always starts for me.
So I start with this One trigger.. maybe more Idk for sure on that. But it definitely starts with one thing that then it gives me the excuse to say that I give up.. essentially. I wanted to start a whole new again this past Thursday.. that didn't happen. Now it's Sunday and I'm still going to give into Ed.
Now for some reason Mondays are usually easier to go into it with. I don't know if it's because I think of Mondays as a new week and new beginning or what. But I can start off on Mondays really well. Only problem is getting thru today and being okay with getting thru today.
Well, anyways. I kinda liked last week with eating and doing good. It kinda creeps me out tho as well. It's a weird thing to think that I can eat and be okay and feel good. I mean I used to feel just fine before anyways so it never bothered me, where as of now I can feel the difference when I do or don't.
Tom kinda thinks I need to go to treatment and I tried to explain why I can't. And I know it sounds like Ed is talking there .. which maybe he is a bit.. but I look at things that as long as I start really seeing things and looking and realizing what is happening will help. As long as I'm honest with myself then I can overcome this. Idk. Maybe I'm wrong. *shrug*
So tomorrow is a .. well another start .. again. I have lots of them. But at least I keep coming back. I might give up for a bit or something but I will never give in. I'll slowly fight.
So I start with this One trigger.. maybe more Idk for sure on that. But it definitely starts with one thing that then it gives me the excuse to say that I give up.. essentially. I wanted to start a whole new again this past Thursday.. that didn't happen. Now it's Sunday and I'm still going to give into Ed.
Now for some reason Mondays are usually easier to go into it with. I don't know if it's because I think of Mondays as a new week and new beginning or what. But I can start off on Mondays really well. Only problem is getting thru today and being okay with getting thru today.
Well, anyways. I kinda liked last week with eating and doing good. It kinda creeps me out tho as well. It's a weird thing to think that I can eat and be okay and feel good. I mean I used to feel just fine before anyways so it never bothered me, where as of now I can feel the difference when I do or don't.
Tom kinda thinks I need to go to treatment and I tried to explain why I can't. And I know it sounds like Ed is talking there .. which maybe he is a bit.. but I look at things that as long as I start really seeing things and looking and realizing what is happening will help. As long as I'm honest with myself then I can overcome this. Idk. Maybe I'm wrong. *shrug*
So tomorrow is a .. well another start .. again. I have lots of them. But at least I keep coming back. I might give up for a bit or something but I will never give in. I'll slowly fight.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Triggers
Learning my triggers are hard. When I first came onto EDA everyone was talking about triggers. Like that was a new word for me. I felt a bit ignorant that I didn't know. (and just so we know I actually don't mind the word ignorant I don't find it negative hah).
So, the protocol was no numbers, don't mention food, a .. what else.. oh the behaviors that you might have acted out on. I'm sure there's more but I was like a.. okay. Now you could personally message and say whatever your weight was or what not. That never bothered me. I don't know why. And it really still doesn't. I'm not in a competition with others on what they way, or at least my Ed isn't. Which I guess is a good thing!? My Ed is in a competition with myself. Always has been.
I will say that when I see a pregnant person, I always wished I looked as cute as they do. I always just got mainly round like a tire. Christ with my oldest my professor came up in front of the entire class to say oh Ms. Foley I can finally tell your pregnant. I was 8 months along. Like I don't know how you couldn't tell I couldn't even see my feet at that time. But hey thanks for just thinking I looked fat the whole time.. nice. And I just have to laugh about it now.
And with calories, I don't know how you ppl do it. I try and I suck. That takes so much time and effort and I estimate just so then I have an idea but I'm pretty sure I'm off. And the ppl that can have seriously just a bit of cals a day, the amount of cals I have I'm like blown away because I think it's not much but then I look at them and I'm going holy cow (no pun intended) but how in the world are you still operating?!? It just shocks me as well as it doesn't many others.
I can sit down with people and have them eat a 'normal' meal, it won't bother me. Mainly because my kids eat like horses and they.. well it goes right threw them. Not sure how that works for them, wished it would for me. But I can go out to eat and not worry. I'll just get something and pretty much snack on it here and there and I'm not worried about what others say about it or not. I am a picky eater, always had been. My friends growing up were surprised when in 8th grade it was my first time eating a cheeseburger. They couldn't believe it. But they grew to know that I wouldn't eat certain things. I was very limited on what I would or would not eat. At that point too it really didn't have anything to do with Ed, it was just more of what I liked and didn't like. Sometimes that's why it's so hard now to eat, because I try to make a schedule but I only like certain things.
Alright the whole point of my triggers. I found one last night. I have for the last 3 days had a hard time when it comes around 7 to 8 with Ed thoughts. So last night I get my snack and I held off until about 7:45, figuring that it would calm me down and I would be fine and go to bed shortly after Brayd left. I eat my snack and shortly after Tom makes food. It was like for over an hour and half I'm arguing in my head and it really wouldn't have triggered me if he didn't come sit down right next to me. So then it was like that's a sign do it. So I ate more just go purge. No purpose at all.
Except it puts me in a spiral.. so today is gone. But I did make a promise to myself that tomorrow I will start again. That I have to. I'll give today but tomorrow it's starts over. I figure that's the only way I can push myself thru things. Might not make sense to some, but it does to me.
You know everyone has a different recovery, and I do desperately hope that this works for me. So ..
Well so what I learned, is that next time, I have to sit there and work myself thru it. I have to look back on what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. And that I have the strength to go thru it. It might take awhile for me to understand my triggers, but in a way it is nice to finally recognize them so then I know how to handle it. Or eventually learn how to overcome it.
Eventho I gave it, I am optimistic of the outcome of it. That there is a positive in this negative. And if anyone knows me .. I'm not an optimistic person:) haha. So change is happening. Slowly but surely.
So, the protocol was no numbers, don't mention food, a .. what else.. oh the behaviors that you might have acted out on. I'm sure there's more but I was like a.. okay. Now you could personally message and say whatever your weight was or what not. That never bothered me. I don't know why. And it really still doesn't. I'm not in a competition with others on what they way, or at least my Ed isn't. Which I guess is a good thing!? My Ed is in a competition with myself. Always has been.
I will say that when I see a pregnant person, I always wished I looked as cute as they do. I always just got mainly round like a tire. Christ with my oldest my professor came up in front of the entire class to say oh Ms. Foley I can finally tell your pregnant. I was 8 months along. Like I don't know how you couldn't tell I couldn't even see my feet at that time. But hey thanks for just thinking I looked fat the whole time.. nice. And I just have to laugh about it now.
And with calories, I don't know how you ppl do it. I try and I suck. That takes so much time and effort and I estimate just so then I have an idea but I'm pretty sure I'm off. And the ppl that can have seriously just a bit of cals a day, the amount of cals I have I'm like blown away because I think it's not much but then I look at them and I'm going holy cow (no pun intended) but how in the world are you still operating?!? It just shocks me as well as it doesn't many others.
I can sit down with people and have them eat a 'normal' meal, it won't bother me. Mainly because my kids eat like horses and they.. well it goes right threw them. Not sure how that works for them, wished it would for me. But I can go out to eat and not worry. I'll just get something and pretty much snack on it here and there and I'm not worried about what others say about it or not. I am a picky eater, always had been. My friends growing up were surprised when in 8th grade it was my first time eating a cheeseburger. They couldn't believe it. But they grew to know that I wouldn't eat certain things. I was very limited on what I would or would not eat. At that point too it really didn't have anything to do with Ed, it was just more of what I liked and didn't like. Sometimes that's why it's so hard now to eat, because I try to make a schedule but I only like certain things.
Alright the whole point of my triggers. I found one last night. I have for the last 3 days had a hard time when it comes around 7 to 8 with Ed thoughts. So last night I get my snack and I held off until about 7:45, figuring that it would calm me down and I would be fine and go to bed shortly after Brayd left. I eat my snack and shortly after Tom makes food. It was like for over an hour and half I'm arguing in my head and it really wouldn't have triggered me if he didn't come sit down right next to me. So then it was like that's a sign do it. So I ate more just go purge. No purpose at all.
Except it puts me in a spiral.. so today is gone. But I did make a promise to myself that tomorrow I will start again. That I have to. I'll give today but tomorrow it's starts over. I figure that's the only way I can push myself thru things. Might not make sense to some, but it does to me.
You know everyone has a different recovery, and I do desperately hope that this works for me. So ..
Well so what I learned, is that next time, I have to sit there and work myself thru it. I have to look back on what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. And that I have the strength to go thru it. It might take awhile for me to understand my triggers, but in a way it is nice to finally recognize them so then I know how to handle it. Or eventually learn how to overcome it.
Eventho I gave it, I am optimistic of the outcome of it. That there is a positive in this negative. And if anyone knows me .. I'm not an optimistic person:) haha. So change is happening. Slowly but surely.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
It's my day 3
Well I did decide that I would try to do things 'right' again. I would get my schedule and eat meals and snacks. I can't say that I eat everything that I put down but I have 2 days under my belt and I'm going to try moment moment for today. I'm not even thinking about dinner, just breakfast and snack might not happen.
I have such a weird appetite, that's it's like I can't just have anything and even then some of the meals I get so full on before I'm even half way done so then I usually just put it in the fridge to eat it for my snack. I figure it's better the nothing right now.
Monday night sucked too .. sleeping I mean. I couldn't relax at all and I had drank so much water I was up like every 1/2 hr going to the bathroom. Last night was a lot better, except around 8 p.m. I had the Ed urges of just go purge. So I am a bit worried that today is going to be hard, but we'll see. Just gotta keep one foot in front of the other.
What bothers me the most is that by mid-day I feel so frickin huge. I'm really hoping that it's just because of how much water I've already drank and that I'm just retaining it. I don't know. It's just a scary feeling.
I think the hardest parts for me is at night because during the day I can have really anything I want. But we have family dinners and so I do eat what the kids and Tom will, I just keep it very Very limited.
Well we'll see how things continue to go. Right now I'm just happy that I took the break that I did. I needed to get my head to stop constantly with this battle. Eventho I still thought about it, it was a different thinking. Kind of felt like I took a vacation, knowing when I came home I still had housework and the normal day things. So I believe it was what I needed.
I have such a weird appetite, that's it's like I can't just have anything and even then some of the meals I get so full on before I'm even half way done so then I usually just put it in the fridge to eat it for my snack. I figure it's better the nothing right now.
Monday night sucked too .. sleeping I mean. I couldn't relax at all and I had drank so much water I was up like every 1/2 hr going to the bathroom. Last night was a lot better, except around 8 p.m. I had the Ed urges of just go purge. So I am a bit worried that today is going to be hard, but we'll see. Just gotta keep one foot in front of the other.
What bothers me the most is that by mid-day I feel so frickin huge. I'm really hoping that it's just because of how much water I've already drank and that I'm just retaining it. I don't know. It's just a scary feeling.
I think the hardest parts for me is at night because during the day I can have really anything I want. But we have family dinners and so I do eat what the kids and Tom will, I just keep it very Very limited.
Well we'll see how things continue to go. Right now I'm just happy that I took the break that I did. I needed to get my head to stop constantly with this battle. Eventho I still thought about it, it was a different thinking. Kind of felt like I took a vacation, knowing when I came home I still had housework and the normal day things. So I believe it was what I needed.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Camping
This weekend was .. well interesting to say the least.
I am really weak feeling. I don't know if its because of Ed of because I'm coming down with something. I just feel really sick constantly.
I did eat, only problem is twice I involuntary threw up twice. The only thing I can come up with was both times it was a cheeseburger and I also had onions with it. And both times I barely ate any of it but it wasn't even like 30 minutes later that I was puking.
Really find it weird that I'm okay making myself throw up, but when I can't control it it pisses me off and makes me feel even more sick.
I ended up both times just crashing. In the middle of the day just sleeping for hours like it was just crazy. But I guess at least I did get some food inside of me. Some. Most that I've had in quite awhile.
One sandwich I ate, well I didn't eat the whole thing, but I was snacking on it for about 3 hours. Each bite I would take I would want to just vomit so then I would stop. Yet I was starving. So then I would lay down to wake up to take another bite. I hate thinking of things like that. Like why can't I just sit down and have a fricking sandwich.. is it really that bit of a deal!? Apparently but it still pisses me off.
The worst part right now is that my eyes are yellow. Obviously I know if I just did things 'right' that things wouldn't be so bad at least. It's just getting over myself to get to that point. I was hoping that this weekend would help, yet it really hasn't a whole lot. It has to the point that I'm actually considering eating more. Probably not a whole lot more, but just more.
Like tonight I ate some crackers, only probably is again got sick and puked.
Tom thinks I need to go to the doctors, but I'm pretty much over that. I don't like to give chances. (well I shouldn't say that because someone I know has gotten way TOO many chances, which is another story in its own) but I don't like going to another person to say look at me I'm fucked up. Just not okay with it I guess.
But I guess .. we'll see how this week goes. See how much I'm willing to fight. I really don't know right now tho.
I am really weak feeling. I don't know if its because of Ed of because I'm coming down with something. I just feel really sick constantly.
I did eat, only problem is twice I involuntary threw up twice. The only thing I can come up with was both times it was a cheeseburger and I also had onions with it. And both times I barely ate any of it but it wasn't even like 30 minutes later that I was puking.
Really find it weird that I'm okay making myself throw up, but when I can't control it it pisses me off and makes me feel even more sick.
I ended up both times just crashing. In the middle of the day just sleeping for hours like it was just crazy. But I guess at least I did get some food inside of me. Some. Most that I've had in quite awhile.
One sandwich I ate, well I didn't eat the whole thing, but I was snacking on it for about 3 hours. Each bite I would take I would want to just vomit so then I would stop. Yet I was starving. So then I would lay down to wake up to take another bite. I hate thinking of things like that. Like why can't I just sit down and have a fricking sandwich.. is it really that bit of a deal!? Apparently but it still pisses me off.
The worst part right now is that my eyes are yellow. Obviously I know if I just did things 'right' that things wouldn't be so bad at least. It's just getting over myself to get to that point. I was hoping that this weekend would help, yet it really hasn't a whole lot. It has to the point that I'm actually considering eating more. Probably not a whole lot more, but just more.
Like tonight I ate some crackers, only probably is again got sick and puked.
Tom thinks I need to go to the doctors, but I'm pretty much over that. I don't like to give chances. (well I shouldn't say that because someone I know has gotten way TOO many chances, which is another story in its own) but I don't like going to another person to say look at me I'm fucked up. Just not okay with it I guess.
But I guess .. we'll see how this week goes. See how much I'm willing to fight. I really don't know right now tho.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Maybe ?!?!
Well, I'm not guaranteeing anything. And to be completely honest I'm scared half to death!
So we are going camping this weekend. Last year when we went was just in the beginning of my fight against Ed, so I was really tense the whole time and really worried about everything I ate. Even purged a couple times (which was really uncomfortable and I didn't like it at all). But I have this plan. I don't know if it'll work or not but I guess there's only one way to find out.
Okay so, I've decided that I will eat something while camping. Probably not a whole lot, but I will at least eat where as of lately I haven't. And then I'm well thinking/hoping/almost not thinking about it:) but that when I get home I'll continue with it.
I don't know .. obviously I don't know it hasn't happened hah. I just can't think that far ahead I guess. Cuz I'm worried that I'll freak myself out and then I can't or won't do it. Really it's won't because Ed will be too thick.
I didn't stop seeing my doctor and therapist. Mainly because of money. Also, it wasn't seeming to change anything. I like to blog, but journaling really hasn't done much for me. Not sure if that's just because I'm not using it in the way that I should. I write down the way I feel but it still is there it doesn't change how I feel it just puts it down in words.
Alright then, wish me luck. Here I go again. Well not til Thursday:)
So we are going camping this weekend. Last year when we went was just in the beginning of my fight against Ed, so I was really tense the whole time and really worried about everything I ate. Even purged a couple times (which was really uncomfortable and I didn't like it at all). But I have this plan. I don't know if it'll work or not but I guess there's only one way to find out.
Okay so, I've decided that I will eat something while camping. Probably not a whole lot, but I will at least eat where as of lately I haven't. And then I'm well thinking/hoping/almost not thinking about it:) but that when I get home I'll continue with it.
I don't know .. obviously I don't know it hasn't happened hah. I just can't think that far ahead I guess. Cuz I'm worried that I'll freak myself out and then I can't or won't do it. Really it's won't because Ed will be too thick.
I didn't stop seeing my doctor and therapist. Mainly because of money. Also, it wasn't seeming to change anything. I like to blog, but journaling really hasn't done much for me. Not sure if that's just because I'm not using it in the way that I should. I write down the way I feel but it still is there it doesn't change how I feel it just puts it down in words.
Alright then, wish me luck. Here I go again. Well not til Thursday:)
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