I find it funny how ppl think that an eating disorder means that you are trying to be skinny.
I guess maybe for some it is. For me, it's the only thing that I seem to control. It's the only thing that I know that I can feel strong about and be able to have that voice in.
Now, does that mean I don't want to be skinny. No not necessarily. I mean I definitely don't want to be fat. That does scare me, but I also believe in the beginning it started because it was the ONLY thing that I could control. Because really I never was fat nor was I skinny. But I still always purged. It didn't matter. And there were times that I would allow myself to eat. That's why I say that it's so much More then just being 'skinny'.
When I did start I know I was looking for a way to look better, but it changed fast on my outlook. It's really kinda hard to explain. I wasn't looking to be like a model or something like that, I was just looking to make sure that I didn't become over weight.
Now, I know deep down that I should gain weight but I actually like who I am at this point.. which then makes it hard. Eventho I said I was taking a break, I think that's not really true. It's not like I'm not thinking about things. I'm constantly thinking of food and what I should eat and blah blah blah. I've actually gained weight. (which I'm hoping is just because I got my period and just the stress of everything going on)
I now realized that as soon as I chose to fight Ed back almost a yr ago, just about it'll be another 3 days and it'll be exactly a yr that I've done anything about it. Well, since then, I realized that it's with me. I'm constantly thinking about it. Where as before I just went thru things blind. Just walked.
Only problem now is that I really HATE food! It's taken such control over me and I can't stand that. It pisses me off. I mean I should have to worry about something else, not food.
I guess what I'm trying to get at for the most part, is that it's really not about the eating and making sure that we are as tinny as possible. Or whatever it is. It's more about the comfort and control of something. When everything else is ripped away and the Only thing is knowing that you put what goes in or out of your mouth.. that's what it is.
I think that's why I like to shop. Well not actually like at the mall (cuz there's too many ppl that would have opinions ya know?!) But instead I do it over the internet. And I love it because I see something I like.. that me.. I like. I don't have to ask for opinions I just know that I love it. Now does that make it mean that it would look good on me.. no necessarily .. but I like it and that's all that matters. Instead of being out in public and having someone go ahh.. sure.
I think that's why I'm home bound. I'm usually by myself and I get to learn how to love myself. I'm proud of me. And I love me. Sucks going out and having someone tell you your not who you think you are. That's when Ed steps in.
Okay now I'm going all over the place:)
I know I'm going to start to fight again, put it that way. I know it. I feel it. And I'm scared! I have so many emotions and feelings going thru me that I ... I don't know how to address them. I'm kinda mad because I wished that long long LONG time ago I never would have chosen this route. I have so much going on. Not just with me but with my husband and with the kids and just the hurt. I'm tired of it all!
Well, fuck! haha. We'll see ..
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
My Lover
Hello Ed,
My lover, My supporter, My everything. The only one who I know I can lean on.
That's how I feel. Specially now!
Why is it the ones that you feel like you could fall on always do something or push you away. The ones that you thought that would stand by you just fall down telling you that YOUR THE PROBLEM.
Maybe I am the problem!?
IDK anymore! All I can think anymore is that I am the common factor in the equation. Everything that seems to be upsetting, well I'm the cause of it. I know this sounds like a pity party for me and that's truly not what I'm looking for. I'm just saying that maybe I'm the problem. And that's hard to 'try' to understand. Specially when your trying to convince yourself and Ed that your worth it.
Ed takes every mistake and says that I should have done it this way or that way and why did you do that.. your stupid! If you would have only done this.
And to fight Ed, GOD DAMN IT'S HARD!!!!!! For anyone who doesn't know it's so trying .. it's a constant argument. Eventho I have taken a 'break' It sure doesn't feel like it. I still think about it. I still don't sleep. I still look at food the way that I had learned over the past year. I am fearing summer because I have less energy then last year. Then I have to weigh myself which there again just makes me more anxious.
Biggest problem is .. Ed has always been my BIGGEST supporter. Might not be the Right supporter, but he's always been the one inside of me saying that I am something. It seems everyone else finds something wrong with me. And when they find that 'what is wrong with me' they used and abuse it. Then I come out screaming and scratching. Or maybe Ed does. Idk. Just wished for something that I thought I should have.
Guess I need to learn to handle with the cards that I was dealt. Unfortunately my hand sucks like hell!
My lover, My supporter, My everything. The only one who I know I can lean on.
That's how I feel. Specially now!
Why is it the ones that you feel like you could fall on always do something or push you away. The ones that you thought that would stand by you just fall down telling you that YOUR THE PROBLEM.
Maybe I am the problem!?
IDK anymore! All I can think anymore is that I am the common factor in the equation. Everything that seems to be upsetting, well I'm the cause of it. I know this sounds like a pity party for me and that's truly not what I'm looking for. I'm just saying that maybe I'm the problem. And that's hard to 'try' to understand. Specially when your trying to convince yourself and Ed that your worth it.
Ed takes every mistake and says that I should have done it this way or that way and why did you do that.. your stupid! If you would have only done this.
And to fight Ed, GOD DAMN IT'S HARD!!!!!! For anyone who doesn't know it's so trying .. it's a constant argument. Eventho I have taken a 'break' It sure doesn't feel like it. I still think about it. I still don't sleep. I still look at food the way that I had learned over the past year. I am fearing summer because I have less energy then last year. Then I have to weigh myself which there again just makes me more anxious.
Biggest problem is .. Ed has always been my BIGGEST supporter. Might not be the Right supporter, but he's always been the one inside of me saying that I am something. It seems everyone else finds something wrong with me. And when they find that 'what is wrong with me' they used and abuse it. Then I come out screaming and scratching. Or maybe Ed does. Idk. Just wished for something that I thought I should have.
Guess I need to learn to handle with the cards that I was dealt. Unfortunately my hand sucks like hell!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
UpDate
So would I like to come on and say that I chose to start it up again.. Ya not happening. Sorry.
I know a few ppl are well worried, maybe a bit disappointed for my decision, but I get to own my decision. Maybe Ed made it for me more then I made it for me, but I get to own it.
I have felt overwhelmed, and lately I feel a bit less stressed. I don't feel so angry. That doesn't change what has happened tho. I don't really want to go in deep about it, I want to reach out, but then I don't. I don't want to hurt someone that I love.
The worst part right now is that I absolutely HATE food. It doesn't taste good at all. I'll have a bite of something and it's like omg that taste like sh*t.
I did do something somewhat positive yesterday. We went to the mall and shopped (for me.. of course.. that's the make up time:) .. I'm not refusing buying myself things tho haha) But we went to a restaurant and I asked to just somewhat share a meal. So I had about a quarter of a hamburger with a couple fries and guess what =) Didn't purge when we got home. So my body got something.
Is that weird that I think like that? It's like I feel like if it was child and my parents letting me stay up another 30 minutes. That's how I play it in my head though. Anytime that I do purge and if it's hard it's like then become a battle that then Ed NEEDS to Win. And that it's like a tug away but hey Ed is going to win, don't be foolish. One way or another, Ed wins.
I'm starting to think that it's Me that wants to win, not Ed. Eventho it's Ed's voice it's Me that wants to win. It's the one that says I am Good enough, I am Strong enough, I am Something worthwhile. I'm something .. I'm not garbage I have feelings and you know it's okay for me to feel the way that I feel. I get to own it, and SHUT UP and let me be ME! I'm not perfect, and yet I'm perfect.
I'm perfect because God gave me what he gave me. Just problem excepting me because others do not. Or basically tell me that I am nothing. It's hard to fight with everyone. It gets to be overwhelming. Heartbreaking. Hurtful. Obviously we all know I'm sad:) Desperately wanting to be happy.. soo.. ahh..
Well, My favorite hateful saying. It is what it is. Gotta 'man up' and deal with it. Just hope that God has a greater plan for me then what I'm seeing.
I know a few ppl are well worried, maybe a bit disappointed for my decision, but I get to own my decision. Maybe Ed made it for me more then I made it for me, but I get to own it.
I have felt overwhelmed, and lately I feel a bit less stressed. I don't feel so angry. That doesn't change what has happened tho. I don't really want to go in deep about it, I want to reach out, but then I don't. I don't want to hurt someone that I love.
The worst part right now is that I absolutely HATE food. It doesn't taste good at all. I'll have a bite of something and it's like omg that taste like sh*t.
I did do something somewhat positive yesterday. We went to the mall and shopped (for me.. of course.. that's the make up time:) .. I'm not refusing buying myself things tho haha) But we went to a restaurant and I asked to just somewhat share a meal. So I had about a quarter of a hamburger with a couple fries and guess what =) Didn't purge when we got home. So my body got something.
Is that weird that I think like that? It's like I feel like if it was child and my parents letting me stay up another 30 minutes. That's how I play it in my head though. Anytime that I do purge and if it's hard it's like then become a battle that then Ed NEEDS to Win. And that it's like a tug away but hey Ed is going to win, don't be foolish. One way or another, Ed wins.
I'm starting to think that it's Me that wants to win, not Ed. Eventho it's Ed's voice it's Me that wants to win. It's the one that says I am Good enough, I am Strong enough, I am Something worthwhile. I'm something .. I'm not garbage I have feelings and you know it's okay for me to feel the way that I feel. I get to own it, and SHUT UP and let me be ME! I'm not perfect, and yet I'm perfect.
I'm perfect because God gave me what he gave me. Just problem excepting me because others do not. Or basically tell me that I am nothing. It's hard to fight with everyone. It gets to be overwhelming. Heartbreaking. Hurtful. Obviously we all know I'm sad:) Desperately wanting to be happy.. soo.. ahh..
Well, My favorite hateful saying. It is what it is. Gotta 'man up' and deal with it. Just hope that God has a greater plan for me then what I'm seeing.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Friends
So I do feel ashamed that I 'gave up'. I haven't given up completely but I just need a break. One friend wrote me this quote:
The semi-colon ( ; ) has a beautiful meaning behind it. It is used when a person could've ended a sentence and decided to continue it instead. Make sure, in your recovery you pick up the torch again. Don't give up.
That gave me hope for some reason. It was like I have someone that understands that I fucked up .. am fucking up but that there's still that chance for the life that I dream of.
It might not make sense to everyone, but it means A LOT to me! I just need this moment. I felt like I was slowly taking it and well ya. Now I just Need it .. for me. Like I said it might like make sense to others.
I'm surprised at how much Tom is actually supporting it. Like not cheering about it:) haha.. but just is like if this is what you need then take it and we'll move forward. That really meant a lot.
And I hate that others are concerned or upset with my decision. Like I said before I'm a failure.. and no offense to any of you (REALLY!) I feel horrible. I feel like I'm a let down. That I can't get anything right. I can't do anything.. I SUCK! What can I say?!
But I like that Sarah sent me that quote. Because I haven't completely 'GIVEN UP'. I am just taking a break. I just need my moment. It's been exhausting with emotions and then family that I just need a moment.
Now, can I say when I'll start again to fight.. I have no idea. But I know that this isn't what I want for my life or my children. That much I know. So in due time my choices will be told.. until then I'm just living.
The semi-colon ( ; ) has a beautiful meaning behind it. It is used when a person could've ended a sentence and decided to continue it instead. Make sure, in your recovery you pick up the torch again. Don't give up.
That gave me hope for some reason. It was like I have someone that understands that I fucked up .. am fucking up but that there's still that chance for the life that I dream of.
It might not make sense to everyone, but it means A LOT to me! I just need this moment. I felt like I was slowly taking it and well ya. Now I just Need it .. for me. Like I said it might like make sense to others.
I'm surprised at how much Tom is actually supporting it. Like not cheering about it:) haha.. but just is like if this is what you need then take it and we'll move forward. That really meant a lot.
And I hate that others are concerned or upset with my decision. Like I said before I'm a failure.. and no offense to any of you (REALLY!) I feel horrible. I feel like I'm a let down. That I can't get anything right. I can't do anything.. I SUCK! What can I say?!
But I like that Sarah sent me that quote. Because I haven't completely 'GIVEN UP'. I am just taking a break. I just need my moment. It's been exhausting with emotions and then family that I just need a moment.
Now, can I say when I'll start again to fight.. I have no idea. But I know that this isn't what I want for my life or my children. That much I know. So in due time my choices will be told.. until then I'm just living.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Just Plain Frustrated
So Eventho I'm really not trying to do anything. I'm just trying to breath.. it's not working. Even according to Tom when I told him that others were liked worried or upset with me that I said I was taking my break, he even said that I really am not. That I'm still thinking about it and going thru the process. He basically or at least what I got was go down the road that I need to take. Guess that's how I would have done anyways without someone telling me.
But now to get to my issues. First, my internet is down. How I have no idea. Luckily enough they made these frickin phones that you can connect to the damn commuter to be able to have internet. Lucky me.
Last night Tom's mother called. So she asked me to take her to the airport tomorrow. (Not today but tomorrow). And it's not like it's THAT much of a problem it's just a problem because we talked about these a couple weeks ago and why would you not have said something then. But whatever I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. BUT.. then she goes into her whole we need to buy a house thing. How cheap it is and it's useless to be renting and blah blah blah.
Well to me .. I .. well 1. We can't afford to do it. Ever since we attempted to buy a house and ended up not getting it because of the fucking economy and banks (it truly had NOTHING to do with us and our offer.. I know this because they sold it after foreclosure 25k less then what we offered.. so it's just a bit fishy) Okay so then 2. We have a great landlord. 3. We have great friends just around the corner that can and will do anything to help out. 4. Oh did I say we don't have the money:) haha.. But so, Tom's mom always is like "Buy a House.. You Really Need to Buy" "Specially Now".
Why am I pissed. Well, I have now told him 3 times before last night that he needed to tell her to .. well basically SHUT UP! He said he didn't know how and I said well be sarcastically funny. Meaning saying haha well you put up the money and we'll buy it:) Not that I would expect her to or anything like that, but thought maybe then she would finally SHUT UP.
Okay so he's on the phone with her and I'm getting frustrated. I asked him 2 separate times to leave the room. I sat there and told him to tell her to stop just stop and he wouldn't. So I'm like leave before I freak. So he leaves to only come back in the room where I'm going WTF !?!?!?! Not once but twice. To then go back into the bathroom after I gave him this look of death. And then it's it. I'm pissed. And when I say pissed I mean PISSED!!!! So I have to pass the bathroom to go out into the garage and I scream.. YOU FUCKING PAY FOR THE DAMN HOUSE WE'LL FUCKING BUY IT! She heard something .. what I don't know. Tom said that she did ask what that was all about and I honestly can't trust what my husb says or doesn't say.
I'm just tried of it. I mean christ .. if we could afford to do it.. specially now, we would do it. But even then, that's been here sold goal if for us to buy a house. For good lords sake she wanted us to buy a frickin 600k house when we first moved here and I'm pregnant.. like really??? Come on! I'm trying to be reasonable.
What got me tho, he didn't say anything. What I fear right now is that I am so upset that tonight if she shows up at the game and even thinks twice about saying anything about it.. well I'm not shutting my mouth this time. After so many times of asking my husband to stand up for me and he continues to just sit back and be all Mr. Nice Nice.. (wished he was more like that with me.. considering his mom and dad did what they have done to him, and the fact that I've stood right next to him for about 9 yrs now.. about the same amount of time he got from his mother.. what a GREAT:) Mom.. she's just wonderful huh.. get the sarcasm) Anyways.. can't tell I'm bitchy can ya. Well, all I know is I will say something. I already told him I'm over it .. he'll get about 10 seconds to respond and if he doesn't we'll my mouth won't stay shut. And that's not really a good thing. Specially considering my blood is already boiling.
Then there's tomorrow. Sh*t .. not sure why I'm putting the * there considering I've been cussing all over:) But oh well haha. Anywho, tomorrow if she says anything on the way to the airport about it, I'm fricking stuck in a god damn car with her where I know I'll want to reach across and strangle her! I get that I probably have an anger issues.. oh well. What ever anyways..
But now to get to my issues. First, my internet is down. How I have no idea. Luckily enough they made these frickin phones that you can connect to the damn commuter to be able to have internet. Lucky me.
Last night Tom's mother called. So she asked me to take her to the airport tomorrow. (Not today but tomorrow). And it's not like it's THAT much of a problem it's just a problem because we talked about these a couple weeks ago and why would you not have said something then. But whatever I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. BUT.. then she goes into her whole we need to buy a house thing. How cheap it is and it's useless to be renting and blah blah blah.
Well to me .. I .. well 1. We can't afford to do it. Ever since we attempted to buy a house and ended up not getting it because of the fucking economy and banks (it truly had NOTHING to do with us and our offer.. I know this because they sold it after foreclosure 25k less then what we offered.. so it's just a bit fishy) Okay so then 2. We have a great landlord. 3. We have great friends just around the corner that can and will do anything to help out. 4. Oh did I say we don't have the money:) haha.. But so, Tom's mom always is like "Buy a House.. You Really Need to Buy" "Specially Now".
Why am I pissed. Well, I have now told him 3 times before last night that he needed to tell her to .. well basically SHUT UP! He said he didn't know how and I said well be sarcastically funny. Meaning saying haha well you put up the money and we'll buy it:) Not that I would expect her to or anything like that, but thought maybe then she would finally SHUT UP.
Okay so he's on the phone with her and I'm getting frustrated. I asked him 2 separate times to leave the room. I sat there and told him to tell her to stop just stop and he wouldn't. So I'm like leave before I freak. So he leaves to only come back in the room where I'm going WTF !?!?!?! Not once but twice. To then go back into the bathroom after I gave him this look of death. And then it's it. I'm pissed. And when I say pissed I mean PISSED!!!! So I have to pass the bathroom to go out into the garage and I scream.. YOU FUCKING PAY FOR THE DAMN HOUSE WE'LL FUCKING BUY IT! She heard something .. what I don't know. Tom said that she did ask what that was all about and I honestly can't trust what my husb says or doesn't say.
What got me tho, he didn't say anything. What I fear right now is that I am so upset that tonight if she shows up at the game and even thinks twice about saying anything about it.. well I'm not shutting my mouth this time. After so many times of asking my husband to stand up for me and he continues to just sit back and be all Mr. Nice Nice.. (wished he was more like that with me.. considering his mom and dad did what they have done to him, and the fact that I've stood right next to him for about 9 yrs now.. about the same amount of time he got from his mother.. what a GREAT:) Mom.. she's just wonderful huh.. get the sarcasm) Anyways.. can't tell I'm bitchy can ya. Well, all I know is I will say something. I already told him I'm over it .. he'll get about 10 seconds to respond and if he doesn't we'll my mouth won't stay shut. And that's not really a good thing. Specially considering my blood is already boiling.
Then there's tomorrow. Sh*t .. not sure why I'm putting the * there considering I've been cussing all over:) But oh well haha. Anywho, tomorrow if she says anything on the way to the airport about it, I'm fricking stuck in a god damn car with her where I know I'll want to reach across and strangle her! I get that I probably have an anger issues.. oh well. What ever anyways..
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Giving up
It's what I think I need right now. Might not be right. The only thing I know is that before I had started this journey I managed my life. And since then all I can do is think constantly of food and what intake I have.
The worst part of this journey for me was dealing with my pain. Mainly because others were just saying like 'suck it up' 'it happens to a lot of ppl 'get over it'. Well, I can't get over it at this point. It hurts and then anger comes out of me and I don't like that anymore. I don't like being angry. I want to laugh again.
It's stupid that with Ed I was laughing but I was. Things were just better then and I want that again. I'm tired of the fight. I'm tired of being tired...
I wished for something more. But hey I guess if there's one apparent thing I'm good for is failure. hah.
I think I'll come back and try again. It's just right now I need to walk away. (Only from my fight .. just so we understand things) The ppl that I meet I love to death! But I just need to get my energy again. I need to get that passion again.
So I've stopped taking my thyroid meds, cuz before I honestly felt better. (which is weird) And I am stopping seeing my t and doctor. One mainly because of money. I can't continue to take away money when it needs to go to other places for my family. I just can't do that anymore right now. My doctor .. well I'm starting to think she's a fruit cake hah. And the doctor that my t wanted me to see lives clear across town which is like an hour there hour back. Plus to go to someone new right now.. just not ready to say oh I do this and then smile because I'm uncomfortable saying it. Feeling like an ass.
Well, I'll still blog every once in awhile. Mainly because it might still help. Hopefully I can get to the end result that I truly want. Til then.
The worst part of this journey for me was dealing with my pain. Mainly because others were just saying like 'suck it up' 'it happens to a lot of ppl 'get over it'. Well, I can't get over it at this point. It hurts and then anger comes out of me and I don't like that anymore. I don't like being angry. I want to laugh again.
It's stupid that with Ed I was laughing but I was. Things were just better then and I want that again. I'm tired of the fight. I'm tired of being tired...
I wished for something more. But hey I guess if there's one apparent thing I'm good for is failure. hah.
I think I'll come back and try again. It's just right now I need to walk away. (Only from my fight .. just so we understand things) The ppl that I meet I love to death! But I just need to get my energy again. I need to get that passion again.
So I've stopped taking my thyroid meds, cuz before I honestly felt better. (which is weird) And I am stopping seeing my t and doctor. One mainly because of money. I can't continue to take away money when it needs to go to other places for my family. I just can't do that anymore right now. My doctor .. well I'm starting to think she's a fruit cake hah. And the doctor that my t wanted me to see lives clear across town which is like an hour there hour back. Plus to go to someone new right now.. just not ready to say oh I do this and then smile because I'm uncomfortable saying it. Feeling like an ass.
Well, I'll still blog every once in awhile. Mainly because it might still help. Hopefully I can get to the end result that I truly want. Til then.
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