Okay I know I talked about my b-i-l death.. it's just that I feel those days that my sister is hurting and it just makes me feel upset. I can't help that. She didn't deserve that.. I feel like I should have. She deserved so much more and here she is ..
My husband will ask when I'm crying why am I crying and I just say I feel it.. completely out of nowhere .. I know that she's hurting. I know she doesn't want me to call her right then. Cause I have before and I can hear in her voice she just wants to be alone. I get that .. 100%. So I wait until the next day and then I'll ask was yesterday a bad day and she'll say umm... ya... and it's just like even tho were are thousands of miles apart I feel it. Sounds so stupid but every time it is the truth.
And do not get me wrong I am not trying to take away from her in the least bit.
We were close off and on. We would fight but nothing like fight without talking, it was just she's older then me and she had her life I had mine. So it was hard to get in touch and sometimes I didn't even think about it.
But we did/do have good times. She has done SO much for me that I can't even express. She helped out all the time. Just even this last spring last second she flew down so that I could go to the doctors. And I think that's what hurts the most. She's bent over backwards for me and she didn't deserve this.. I should have. I know sounds selfish in a way but it is how I feel.
I suffer in my own way, and I guess I just don't want her to suffer like that.
And I'm pissed.. how can you be so selfish to take your life and knowing that you are leaving everyone behind?!??!?!??! It's just not right!!!! I kinda wished he would have lived so that I could slap him!
But then I turn around and pray for him to be in heaven. I mostly pray for my sister tho, that in some way somehow she'll find her next best friend. In philip.. chances not so good.. well I guess you never know so I shouldn't say that.
A problem for me is that Ed seeps in.. and then it's a start over. I don't do well with change. I actually HATE IT!!! despise it..I like my routines. Then I get Tom on my back and it's just annoying. Which then pushes me even farther instead of helping. I mean cause he's done anything ??? really!! He wouldn't even go to counseling with me.. no I'm wrong he went 3 times out of the countless times I did.. but even when we went it was about our marriage more then about me Ed.. so I'm confused on what he thinks he knows.
Can you tell I'm pissed. Anger is always an easier outlet. At least for me anyways...
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
What's new.. not much.
So I have gone back to my behaviors. All I want to do all day is to listen to music.
Since my b-i-l (bro in law) passed.. things have really just gotten worse. I can't be there for my sister I feel helpless. I can' apparently do the right thing by my children/husband/mother.. It's just heartbreaking.
And it doesn't help with the schedule that I'm to keeping up with .. I've put too much pressure on myself and I can't seem to make things get to this place or that place, so then I'm having to last second cancel. Really tho I feel like I'm trying to get a reason to not go back to the doctors. ..
Eventho this sounds likes a BIG excuse.. We just don't have the finances either. And the times that I think that maybe it'd be better if I just wasn't here. Then at least the kids would have something.. or so I think ..
I'm not saying I'm going to commit suicide! Just saying that sometimes I feel like my medical reasons are taking away from them.. It does bother me. Guess it's guilt. Really that's not a hard conclusion to come to.
Then there's another subject I want to address .. friends.. I don't have them. Tom tells me it's not me but how could I not feel like its not me?!?! The only friend I know I have is my sister and she's hurting so I don't want to bother her with my problems.. my little problems compared to hers. Idk.. idk if I would even want to trust anyone anymore. As soon as I open up .. I get stabbed someway or another.. so eventho I'm married with 3 children I am alone.
Since my b-i-l (bro in law) passed.. things have really just gotten worse. I can't be there for my sister I feel helpless. I can' apparently do the right thing by my children/husband/mother.. It's just heartbreaking.
And it doesn't help with the schedule that I'm to keeping up with .. I've put too much pressure on myself and I can't seem to make things get to this place or that place, so then I'm having to last second cancel. Really tho I feel like I'm trying to get a reason to not go back to the doctors. ..
Eventho this sounds likes a BIG excuse.. We just don't have the finances either. And the times that I think that maybe it'd be better if I just wasn't here. Then at least the kids would have something.. or so I think ..
I'm not saying I'm going to commit suicide! Just saying that sometimes I feel like my medical reasons are taking away from them.. It does bother me. Guess it's guilt. Really that's not a hard conclusion to come to.
Then there's another subject I want to address .. friends.. I don't have them. Tom tells me it's not me but how could I not feel like its not me?!?! The only friend I know I have is my sister and she's hurting so I don't want to bother her with my problems.. my little problems compared to hers. Idk.. idk if I would even want to trust anyone anymore. As soon as I open up .. I get stabbed someway or another.. so eventho I'm married with 3 children I am alone.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Treatment
I saw this post that I wanted to post here to get my voice understood.
It seems like when I talk there is most that don't get it. They either just look at me with a blank look.
But I don't want to go to treatment. I'm scared to walk away. No .. Damnit I want to believe not because of ED but because of everything else. I have my kids. :(
Who's selfish now?!?
How is it to make yourself like your a good person when every chance you keep proving yourself wrong??
I'm not suicidal .. I can't do that! Nor would I ever. Have I thought of it.. yes .. but I can't. Just something that I believe.. honestly thanks to my mother. She was and can still be very much of a bitch but she has taught me some thing.
I'm not going to go down that road .. I've taught about it, cause I was in such a dark place. But now I've seen and am still feeling the impact from my brother-in-law. Not a chance I will do that!!!
But to go to a place .. still not ready .. I'm trying on my own.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Wanting hope
I woke up at 2:30 a.m. .. sat up and watched some tv cause I was hoping that I'd fall back asleep. Oh just in case I haven't said I haven't slept in my bed since Xmas day.
I know it's easily to say that he should keep my secrets. But to do it in the way he did.. I know now that I can only trust myself. So I keep everything in.. ya not good.
But here this morning I actually will be running around in a bit. But just wanted to get on and explain how much he is affecting me. I'm not sure if this is just a toxic relationship and I should somehow try to get out. Problem is I have 3 children. Yes my oldest is with another relationship from hs, but my husb has said that he would make sure I didn't have my kids. He was drinking when he said it, but does that give him the right?!?! And I fear that I would lose them.
I guess in one way I've hurt myself for so long I can deal with another 14 yrs of it. But that's not what I want.
I know life is not a bed or roses but I'd like to be happy. The other night he hurt me because I went on a drive with him and said (it's my made up work) ish-a-ba and he tells me how much he hates it when I say that. Not in a good way but that I could not ever say it again. And the word is like in my head def. just plain non-sense. Like when your driving and that person cuts you off .. I say ishaba. Like wipe it off your shoulder move on to the more important things in life. Cause some ppl are really fucking rude:)
Thing is tho.. I think I can say whatever I want to say.. especially since it's not offensive. It's not a curse word and for that fact.. I don't care as long as you don't mean it in mean way. I know others don't agree with my opinion on curse words but I personally feel that if you are going to say ANY word in a purpose to hurt someone, then that's just as bad as Bitch, I don't like to say the C word, Damn, Shit, Asshole, Fuck. If you are saying it in a manner that your trying to hurt someone isn't that as bad as saying your an idiot??? You look like a whore or slut? The intent to me is what I believe is when it is a curse word. And you don't have to agree with me .. I'm just saying my opinion.
Back to the main point is my husband actually 3 yrs ago introduced me into an online group for ed. And that was from me saying that I needed him again. I just felt like we were not communicating. This group lead me to this (which he dislikes) .. It was everything I did he didn't like how it was going. I was going to dr. appt. to my therapist. I was asking others their diets to be able to do it on my own. Then he tells me how wrong it was me to be in contact with these ppl. Didn't help that about the time the site we chatted on went down, but even then..
I have asked him to go to counseling, which he did .. Once. He brought home this 100 things to do with your wife and asked me to pick what I'd like. And I said I would like to do it together. Just cause I might like doesn't mean that he needs to do it.. ya only one walk together.. that was 3 yrs ago. Asked him to do a blog, he thought that was a great idea, yep he's only done one. I've quit it now. Just recently I read this statement that said when you are get married you have a box. That box is empty. The only way that you can get something out of it is if you put something in it. Me, obviously being dumb now looking back thought lets put notes in it saying what we want to do for others.. again he thought it was a great idea. Did it Once Again. And it had nothing to do with putting into our relationship but on him. I threw the box away. Then he tells me he'd rather email.. guess how many emails I've gotten ???????
So Ed and I are reunited. :(
I know it's easily to say that he should keep my secrets. But to do it in the way he did.. I know now that I can only trust myself. So I keep everything in.. ya not good.
But here this morning I actually will be running around in a bit. But just wanted to get on and explain how much he is affecting me. I'm not sure if this is just a toxic relationship and I should somehow try to get out. Problem is I have 3 children. Yes my oldest is with another relationship from hs, but my husb has said that he would make sure I didn't have my kids. He was drinking when he said it, but does that give him the right?!?! And I fear that I would lose them.
I guess in one way I've hurt myself for so long I can deal with another 14 yrs of it. But that's not what I want.
I know life is not a bed or roses but I'd like to be happy. The other night he hurt me because I went on a drive with him and said (it's my made up work) ish-a-ba and he tells me how much he hates it when I say that. Not in a good way but that I could not ever say it again. And the word is like in my head def. just plain non-sense. Like when your driving and that person cuts you off .. I say ishaba. Like wipe it off your shoulder move on to the more important things in life. Cause some ppl are really fucking rude:)
Thing is tho.. I think I can say whatever I want to say.. especially since it's not offensive. It's not a curse word and for that fact.. I don't care as long as you don't mean it in mean way. I know others don't agree with my opinion on curse words but I personally feel that if you are going to say ANY word in a purpose to hurt someone, then that's just as bad as Bitch, I don't like to say the C word, Damn, Shit, Asshole, Fuck. If you are saying it in a manner that your trying to hurt someone isn't that as bad as saying your an idiot??? You look like a whore or slut? The intent to me is what I believe is when it is a curse word. And you don't have to agree with me .. I'm just saying my opinion.
Back to the main point is my husband actually 3 yrs ago introduced me into an online group for ed. And that was from me saying that I needed him again. I just felt like we were not communicating. This group lead me to this (which he dislikes) .. It was everything I did he didn't like how it was going. I was going to dr. appt. to my therapist. I was asking others their diets to be able to do it on my own. Then he tells me how wrong it was me to be in contact with these ppl. Didn't help that about the time the site we chatted on went down, but even then..
I have asked him to go to counseling, which he did .. Once. He brought home this 100 things to do with your wife and asked me to pick what I'd like. And I said I would like to do it together. Just cause I might like doesn't mean that he needs to do it.. ya only one walk together.. that was 3 yrs ago. Asked him to do a blog, he thought that was a great idea, yep he's only done one. I've quit it now. Just recently I read this statement that said when you are get married you have a box. That box is empty. The only way that you can get something out of it is if you put something in it. Me, obviously being dumb now looking back thought lets put notes in it saying what we want to do for others.. again he thought it was a great idea. Did it Once Again. And it had nothing to do with putting into our relationship but on him. I threw the box away. Then he tells me he'd rather email.. guess how many emails I've gotten ???????
So Ed and I are reunited. :(
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Have to pick myself up again
I've been wanting to write about this for quite some time now, but I just couldn't pull myself to do so. I still don't know how long this will take me but I am determined to get this out.
I was on that diet for my autoimmune disorder, and then basically after going back home in the summer and eating just regular food and not gaining any weight or having any problems I just sorta stopped with the diet. It was kinda nice again to go and eat normal meals and not be worried.
Then in October my life took an unexpected turn. It was Wednesday the 29th at 1:04 p.m. I was just finishing cooking some lunch and my rings. Now mind you it seems like it wouldn't matter if I was eating at 11 or noon or 1 in between or if I didn't have a chance until 2 some reason my husband ALWAYS called me :) and he would ask what are you doing. I would only have to say seriously.. we'd laugh and he'd let me go. Well, when I answered he said you need to call your sister. I sat for a second and thought what .. why are you telling me I need to call my sister so I said okay why. He said you just need to call her she called me you need to call her. So then I'm going why didn't she just call me then???? I asked him and he then said that my brother-in-law shot himself. I couldn't think .. I couldn't respond. Everything froze at that time. And Tom says Trina did you hear me I couldn't even respond right away he had to say my name again and I then ya okay .. I immediately started crying. I was trying to pull myself together in 30 seconds to be able to talk to her and it wasn't good. My hometown is small so he was air evac to a city there and my sister was getting everything ready to go up. After I got off the phone with her I called my brother to tell him that he needed to take my sister up to Rapid that she shouldn't drive. Not realizing that my brother was out of town trucking and had no idea about it. He was snippy at first. I think he thought I was losing it and was going crazy or something, so then I had to tell him. He and my b-i-l were really good friends. And here my brother is driving a truck and 6 hrs away. It just sucked giving him that news like that.
Basically that day all I did was cry and here it's a Wednesday luckily Brayd road the bus home, but I had to get Kyler and his friend from school and pick up the friends sister to take them to religion. In the meanwhile I have calls that need to be made for just normal things that I couldn't put off. In between that and trying to find out what was going on. Thinking when I was going to be flying back cause I needed to get home for them. My nephew called at 3:32 p.m. and said that his step father was brain dead.. there's nothing they could do....
I liked my brother-in-law. But I mainly liked him because my sister loved him. And he was there for my nephew. He was my nephews father. Cuz he didn't have a father. His biological dad is 100% loser. Not because of money and that, it's because of other big reasons. My b-i-l had 3 children from a previous marriage, and all were married the oldest has 4 children and the second has 2. They were a family. It just made it really confusing on why he would do this. And it always will because he didn't leave a note or anything.
Thursday my sister would call and I had no words to say. I still don't. I can only cry with her. I want to take her pain. I can deal with it.. she shouldn't have to. She's such a great person and is always there for me being strong that just let me have her pain. Wednesday that it happened and Thursday nights I together go about 2hrs of sleep. So on Friday when we flew back I crashed on the plane. When we were getting on it was so hard to not be crying. Also when we were landing .. the kids were happy to be home because love going back, I knew how it was going to be for me tho.
My oldest brother was in Afghanistan on deployment. And he was able to come home for good, that was a positive if you want to say that. I mean I love my brother but for my sister and what she'll be dealing with from now on, I know he would have been fine over there if that meant this all didn't happen. But I am glad he's home do not get me wrong. I'm just saying that he only had one more month and if my b-i-l was alive and then my brother would have been back .. I don't if I'm making sense now.
What I was trying to get at tho is my second oldest brother was picking us up from the airport. So here he meets us up top .. well he came behind me and grabbed my ribs which I thought was Tom and was about to yell at him:) Then we get down to baggage claim, and never anytime we've ever flow has all our bags came out first and were talking 5 bags.. So here's the deal. My sister-in-law had told me earlier that day that my other 2 brothers and my sister and my nephew would be there when we flew in. So I had msg my sister when we landed to see if she was still in town or back at the house. She said that they went home. Oh okay no biggie, we'll see ya in a couple hrs. So as we are walking out, out of no where this person grabs me from behind and I look up to see my one brother and Tom so then I'm going who the fuck has a hold of me. Well, it was another brother (guess i should go with names but I'm not going to go back thru and change now haha) so I hug him. Then I turn to see my nephew.. still not clicking then that that would mean my other brother and sister would be there as well.
It was a nice welcoming but also a very sad one. The only thing that I really liked is the fact that it showed how much we have each others back. How even tho we fight at times and get annoyed with each other we are truly there for each other.
Oh to back up a little bit. My b-i-l stayed on life support til that Friday because they donated his organs. That morning my sister called early. I was awake anyways cause i couldn't sleep. Well it was the first night since it all happened that she slept. And she woke up alone and realized it all .. we cried with no words. Then she goes what is today anyways? I didn't answer I wasn't about to, because it was my birthday and I already knew what was going on. Then she said oh Happy Birthday Trina I'm so sorry. I almost wished she didn't remember what day it was. The ironic part of it all was that the week before my husband said what do you want to do for your birthday. I said nothing I don't want anything I really just don't even want my birthday to come. My sister had had a dream a week before that her husband was leaving her, but when she woke up he was there so she just figured it was a nightmare ya know, nothing to it. I don't know what to think. For me did I not want my birthday to come because of what was about to happen. Did she have a dream because it happened, he left. Some ppl believe in those sort of things, and now I somewhat do as well.
Another funny part was that the rest of my family was down at the bar having a couple drinks and my sister and I were going to go, but then she said she didn't want to be around anyone and my family said they wouldn't be long, so I said I'd go for just a bit and then be back up to her house. Well my family trying to be nice, gets the band to sing happy birthday to me. The next morning cause my mom went home before I got there, well I can't even recall who said what, but it was brought up about someone getting sang to for the birthday, and my mom goes "who's birthday is it?" Seriously mom:) Hello!!! lol
But that Friday night I planned and had asked my sister to stay with her. It was going to be her first night back in her house and the last thing I wanted was for her to wake up alone. Now mind you we shared a bed for 11 1/2 yrs of my life before she left for college, and when she would come back there were still times we would share. Then I spent two different summers with her. So we were used to sleeping together. Might sound a little weird that two grow sisters are sleeping together but we close. In the morning she got up, I hardly slept so I was awake but just laying there. She went into the bathroom and I just heard her sobbing. I wanted to hug her to tell her it will be all okay. But there's no okay in this.
I could go on a lot about this. I am so mad at him. He took part of my sister with him because he was so incredibly selfish in that moment. I really hope that it was just a 10 second dumb decision. That if he would have stopped for just another few seconds he would have saw his wife, his children, his grandchildren, his sisters and brothers. His extended family.
My sister is my best friend. I used to be able to call her and bitch about Tom and she would have complaints about her husband, sometimes it would be identical to what each of them were doing, so we'd laugh. Now, well there's not a chance in hell that I will call her to complain about my husband. I still have him around. I can't do that anymore with her. And she was the one I could be honest with. Mainly because I knew no matter what she would always love me, might not like me at times but would always ALWAYS be there. I know she still will be there if i needed her .. it's just different now. Like when we were back home Tom road in to my sisters house with us to get another vehicle to take back to my parents and when he was getting out he just naturally kissed me .. I gave him this look of like what the fuck are you doing???? No! Like she just lost her husband lets rub it in.
So here's the thing. Since then. I have been a mess. I wasn't really all that great before it, but afterwards I am a hot mess. I'm trying to get passed this .. not the whole thing but this moment I'm in. Cause I feel back with Ed. The only difference now is I actually kinda hate it. Before I used to I guess like it. I didn't have a problem .. it's somewhat difficult to explain. When I wouldn't eat or if I did and purged the purging was easy. It is easy for the most part right now as well, but then it was just well I guess like I wasn't feeling. Now I'm feeling and I hate it.
I think I went back to Ed believing in some way that I wouldn't feel anymore. When all it has done is made me feel even worse. Ed used to make me feel strong almost confident and now I feel completely the opposite. I've noticed that when I pick up the kids I keep my head down or if I'm out in public I am always looking down.
I'll be stopping here after this, but I'm really hoping that this new year will bring something better. Just even if it's little. I would like hope again.
I was on that diet for my autoimmune disorder, and then basically after going back home in the summer and eating just regular food and not gaining any weight or having any problems I just sorta stopped with the diet. It was kinda nice again to go and eat normal meals and not be worried.
Then in October my life took an unexpected turn. It was Wednesday the 29th at 1:04 p.m. I was just finishing cooking some lunch and my rings. Now mind you it seems like it wouldn't matter if I was eating at 11 or noon or 1 in between or if I didn't have a chance until 2 some reason my husband ALWAYS called me :) and he would ask what are you doing. I would only have to say seriously.. we'd laugh and he'd let me go. Well, when I answered he said you need to call your sister. I sat for a second and thought what .. why are you telling me I need to call my sister so I said okay why. He said you just need to call her she called me you need to call her. So then I'm going why didn't she just call me then???? I asked him and he then said that my brother-in-law shot himself. I couldn't think .. I couldn't respond. Everything froze at that time. And Tom says Trina did you hear me I couldn't even respond right away he had to say my name again and I then ya okay .. I immediately started crying. I was trying to pull myself together in 30 seconds to be able to talk to her and it wasn't good. My hometown is small so he was air evac to a city there and my sister was getting everything ready to go up. After I got off the phone with her I called my brother to tell him that he needed to take my sister up to Rapid that she shouldn't drive. Not realizing that my brother was out of town trucking and had no idea about it. He was snippy at first. I think he thought I was losing it and was going crazy or something, so then I had to tell him. He and my b-i-l were really good friends. And here my brother is driving a truck and 6 hrs away. It just sucked giving him that news like that.
Basically that day all I did was cry and here it's a Wednesday luckily Brayd road the bus home, but I had to get Kyler and his friend from school and pick up the friends sister to take them to religion. In the meanwhile I have calls that need to be made for just normal things that I couldn't put off. In between that and trying to find out what was going on. Thinking when I was going to be flying back cause I needed to get home for them. My nephew called at 3:32 p.m. and said that his step father was brain dead.. there's nothing they could do....
I liked my brother-in-law. But I mainly liked him because my sister loved him. And he was there for my nephew. He was my nephews father. Cuz he didn't have a father. His biological dad is 100% loser. Not because of money and that, it's because of other big reasons. My b-i-l had 3 children from a previous marriage, and all were married the oldest has 4 children and the second has 2. They were a family. It just made it really confusing on why he would do this. And it always will because he didn't leave a note or anything.
Thursday my sister would call and I had no words to say. I still don't. I can only cry with her. I want to take her pain. I can deal with it.. she shouldn't have to. She's such a great person and is always there for me being strong that just let me have her pain. Wednesday that it happened and Thursday nights I together go about 2hrs of sleep. So on Friday when we flew back I crashed on the plane. When we were getting on it was so hard to not be crying. Also when we were landing .. the kids were happy to be home because love going back, I knew how it was going to be for me tho.
My oldest brother was in Afghanistan on deployment. And he was able to come home for good, that was a positive if you want to say that. I mean I love my brother but for my sister and what she'll be dealing with from now on, I know he would have been fine over there if that meant this all didn't happen. But I am glad he's home do not get me wrong. I'm just saying that he only had one more month and if my b-i-l was alive and then my brother would have been back .. I don't if I'm making sense now.
What I was trying to get at tho is my second oldest brother was picking us up from the airport. So here he meets us up top .. well he came behind me and grabbed my ribs which I thought was Tom and was about to yell at him:) Then we get down to baggage claim, and never anytime we've ever flow has all our bags came out first and were talking 5 bags.. So here's the deal. My sister-in-law had told me earlier that day that my other 2 brothers and my sister and my nephew would be there when we flew in. So I had msg my sister when we landed to see if she was still in town or back at the house. She said that they went home. Oh okay no biggie, we'll see ya in a couple hrs. So as we are walking out, out of no where this person grabs me from behind and I look up to see my one brother and Tom so then I'm going who the fuck has a hold of me. Well, it was another brother (guess i should go with names but I'm not going to go back thru and change now haha) so I hug him. Then I turn to see my nephew.. still not clicking then that that would mean my other brother and sister would be there as well.
It was a nice welcoming but also a very sad one. The only thing that I really liked is the fact that it showed how much we have each others back. How even tho we fight at times and get annoyed with each other we are truly there for each other.
Oh to back up a little bit. My b-i-l stayed on life support til that Friday because they donated his organs. That morning my sister called early. I was awake anyways cause i couldn't sleep. Well it was the first night since it all happened that she slept. And she woke up alone and realized it all .. we cried with no words. Then she goes what is today anyways? I didn't answer I wasn't about to, because it was my birthday and I already knew what was going on. Then she said oh Happy Birthday Trina I'm so sorry. I almost wished she didn't remember what day it was. The ironic part of it all was that the week before my husband said what do you want to do for your birthday. I said nothing I don't want anything I really just don't even want my birthday to come. My sister had had a dream a week before that her husband was leaving her, but when she woke up he was there so she just figured it was a nightmare ya know, nothing to it. I don't know what to think. For me did I not want my birthday to come because of what was about to happen. Did she have a dream because it happened, he left. Some ppl believe in those sort of things, and now I somewhat do as well.
Another funny part was that the rest of my family was down at the bar having a couple drinks and my sister and I were going to go, but then she said she didn't want to be around anyone and my family said they wouldn't be long, so I said I'd go for just a bit and then be back up to her house. Well my family trying to be nice, gets the band to sing happy birthday to me. The next morning cause my mom went home before I got there, well I can't even recall who said what, but it was brought up about someone getting sang to for the birthday, and my mom goes "who's birthday is it?" Seriously mom:) Hello!!! lol
But that Friday night I planned and had asked my sister to stay with her. It was going to be her first night back in her house and the last thing I wanted was for her to wake up alone. Now mind you we shared a bed for 11 1/2 yrs of my life before she left for college, and when she would come back there were still times we would share. Then I spent two different summers with her. So we were used to sleeping together. Might sound a little weird that two grow sisters are sleeping together but we close. In the morning she got up, I hardly slept so I was awake but just laying there. She went into the bathroom and I just heard her sobbing. I wanted to hug her to tell her it will be all okay. But there's no okay in this.
I could go on a lot about this. I am so mad at him. He took part of my sister with him because he was so incredibly selfish in that moment. I really hope that it was just a 10 second dumb decision. That if he would have stopped for just another few seconds he would have saw his wife, his children, his grandchildren, his sisters and brothers. His extended family.
My sister is my best friend. I used to be able to call her and bitch about Tom and she would have complaints about her husband, sometimes it would be identical to what each of them were doing, so we'd laugh. Now, well there's not a chance in hell that I will call her to complain about my husband. I still have him around. I can't do that anymore with her. And she was the one I could be honest with. Mainly because I knew no matter what she would always love me, might not like me at times but would always ALWAYS be there. I know she still will be there if i needed her .. it's just different now. Like when we were back home Tom road in to my sisters house with us to get another vehicle to take back to my parents and when he was getting out he just naturally kissed me .. I gave him this look of like what the fuck are you doing???? No! Like she just lost her husband lets rub it in.
So here's the thing. Since then. I have been a mess. I wasn't really all that great before it, but afterwards I am a hot mess. I'm trying to get passed this .. not the whole thing but this moment I'm in. Cause I feel back with Ed. The only difference now is I actually kinda hate it. Before I used to I guess like it. I didn't have a problem .. it's somewhat difficult to explain. When I wouldn't eat or if I did and purged the purging was easy. It is easy for the most part right now as well, but then it was just well I guess like I wasn't feeling. Now I'm feeling and I hate it.
I think I went back to Ed believing in some way that I wouldn't feel anymore. When all it has done is made me feel even worse. Ed used to make me feel strong almost confident and now I feel completely the opposite. I've noticed that when I pick up the kids I keep my head down or if I'm out in public I am always looking down.
I'll be stopping here after this, but I'm really hoping that this new year will bring something better. Just even if it's little. I would like hope again.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Ed Deep
I have fallen. BAD. Everything that I worked for seems to just get shoved out the window .. the worst part is yesterday I couldn't even act out. I gained probably around 5 lbs.. It doesn't take me much to gain. Like just a piece of toast and for some reason it'll be 2 lbs. Tom doesn't get it, I can't explain it. I just know that it was it is.
Right now things are out of my control, and I can't stand it. I am constantly on the go, which then you would think would be easy for me to just not eat, but ya.. find time for that. Idiot! (Me I'm saying)
I don't know how to do this anymore. Everything that I learn or was told was to be selfish. Get yourself better, but how can I do that when I'm constantly having to put my kids and Tom before me... All I do every day is run around. I barely get to sit down and relax. Probably the reason why I'm gaining wight. You'd think with the constant go go I wouldn't gain but ya I do. Pisses me off.
I desperately want to go back in time. I want to be where I was like a year and half ago. It makes me so upset, I cry about it all the time. And I'm alone.. it doesn't seem like anyone gets it.
I just don't know how to be happy, I pray and ask for guidance and maybe I'm not listening good enough. I just know I don't want to be this.. what I am.
Right now things are out of my control, and I can't stand it. I am constantly on the go, which then you would think would be easy for me to just not eat, but ya.. find time for that. Idiot! (Me I'm saying)
I don't know how to do this anymore. Everything that I learn or was told was to be selfish. Get yourself better, but how can I do that when I'm constantly having to put my kids and Tom before me... All I do every day is run around. I barely get to sit down and relax. Probably the reason why I'm gaining wight. You'd think with the constant go go I wouldn't gain but ya I do. Pisses me off.
I desperately want to go back in time. I want to be where I was like a year and half ago. It makes me so upset, I cry about it all the time. And I'm alone.. it doesn't seem like anyone gets it.
I just don't know how to be happy, I pray and ask for guidance and maybe I'm not listening good enough. I just know I don't want to be this.. what I am.
Monday, August 26, 2013
F*CK U!!!!
WHy?????? WHY????
I can't stand you but it seems I can't live without you either. :(
Why I feel the way I do.. I don't know.. I wished only that I could feel that calm.. that feeling of it doesn't matter and it's all good.
Only problem.. it isn't.
I see the mirror.. I see what others see. It bothers me because deep down my heart isn't what I portray. I am easily hurt. I cry a lot. I wished others saw how soft hearted I am. But well I'm a bitch.
I'm a bitch because I have to protect myself. I'm the only one looking out for myself.. so I have to defend myself so if that means being a bitch well that's what it is..
Why isn't it ppl can't see me for me?? I'm not always right or nice or whatever but I don't want to hurt you.. why can't you see that??
Guess there's something wrong with me :(
I can't stand you but it seems I can't live without you either. :(
Why I feel the way I do.. I don't know.. I wished only that I could feel that calm.. that feeling of it doesn't matter and it's all good.
Only problem.. it isn't.
I see the mirror.. I see what others see. It bothers me because deep down my heart isn't what I portray. I am easily hurt. I cry a lot. I wished others saw how soft hearted I am. But well I'm a bitch.
I'm a bitch because I have to protect myself. I'm the only one looking out for myself.. so I have to defend myself so if that means being a bitch well that's what it is..
Why isn't it ppl can't see me for me?? I'm not always right or nice or whatever but I don't want to hurt you.. why can't you see that??
Guess there's something wrong with me :(
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