So I have gone back to my behaviors. All I want to do all day is to listen to music.
Since my b-i-l (bro in law) passed.. things have really just gotten worse. I can't be there for my sister I feel helpless. I can' apparently do the right thing by my children/husband/mother.. It's just heartbreaking.
And it doesn't help with the schedule that I'm to keeping up with .. I've put too much pressure on myself and I can't seem to make things get to this place or that place, so then I'm having to last second cancel. Really tho I feel like I'm trying to get a reason to not go back to the doctors. ..
Eventho this sounds likes a BIG excuse.. We just don't have the finances either. And the times that I think that maybe it'd be better if I just wasn't here. Then at least the kids would have something.. or so I think ..
I'm not saying I'm going to commit suicide! Just saying that sometimes I feel like my medical reasons are taking away from them.. It does bother me. Guess it's guilt. Really that's not a hard conclusion to come to.
Then there's another subject I want to address .. friends.. I don't have them. Tom tells me it's not me but how could I not feel like its not me?!?! The only friend I know I have is my sister and she's hurting so I don't want to bother her with my problems.. my little problems compared to hers. Idk.. idk if I would even want to trust anyone anymore. As soon as I open up .. I get stabbed someway or another.. so eventho I'm married with 3 children I am alone.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Treatment
I saw this post that I wanted to post here to get my voice understood.
It seems like when I talk there is most that don't get it. They either just look at me with a blank look.
But I don't want to go to treatment. I'm scared to walk away. No .. Damnit I want to believe not because of ED but because of everything else. I have my kids. :(
Who's selfish now?!?
How is it to make yourself like your a good person when every chance you keep proving yourself wrong??
I'm not suicidal .. I can't do that! Nor would I ever. Have I thought of it.. yes .. but I can't. Just something that I believe.. honestly thanks to my mother. She was and can still be very much of a bitch but she has taught me some thing.
I'm not going to go down that road .. I've taught about it, cause I was in such a dark place. But now I've seen and am still feeling the impact from my brother-in-law. Not a chance I will do that!!!
But to go to a place .. still not ready .. I'm trying on my own.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Wanting hope
I woke up at 2:30 a.m. .. sat up and watched some tv cause I was hoping that I'd fall back asleep. Oh just in case I haven't said I haven't slept in my bed since Xmas day.
I know it's easily to say that he should keep my secrets. But to do it in the way he did.. I know now that I can only trust myself. So I keep everything in.. ya not good.
But here this morning I actually will be running around in a bit. But just wanted to get on and explain how much he is affecting me. I'm not sure if this is just a toxic relationship and I should somehow try to get out. Problem is I have 3 children. Yes my oldest is with another relationship from hs, but my husb has said that he would make sure I didn't have my kids. He was drinking when he said it, but does that give him the right?!?! And I fear that I would lose them.
I guess in one way I've hurt myself for so long I can deal with another 14 yrs of it. But that's not what I want.
I know life is not a bed or roses but I'd like to be happy. The other night he hurt me because I went on a drive with him and said (it's my made up work) ish-a-ba and he tells me how much he hates it when I say that. Not in a good way but that I could not ever say it again. And the word is like in my head def. just plain non-sense. Like when your driving and that person cuts you off .. I say ishaba. Like wipe it off your shoulder move on to the more important things in life. Cause some ppl are really fucking rude:)
Thing is tho.. I think I can say whatever I want to say.. especially since it's not offensive. It's not a curse word and for that fact.. I don't care as long as you don't mean it in mean way. I know others don't agree with my opinion on curse words but I personally feel that if you are going to say ANY word in a purpose to hurt someone, then that's just as bad as Bitch, I don't like to say the C word, Damn, Shit, Asshole, Fuck. If you are saying it in a manner that your trying to hurt someone isn't that as bad as saying your an idiot??? You look like a whore or slut? The intent to me is what I believe is when it is a curse word. And you don't have to agree with me .. I'm just saying my opinion.
Back to the main point is my husband actually 3 yrs ago introduced me into an online group for ed. And that was from me saying that I needed him again. I just felt like we were not communicating. This group lead me to this (which he dislikes) .. It was everything I did he didn't like how it was going. I was going to dr. appt. to my therapist. I was asking others their diets to be able to do it on my own. Then he tells me how wrong it was me to be in contact with these ppl. Didn't help that about the time the site we chatted on went down, but even then..
I have asked him to go to counseling, which he did .. Once. He brought home this 100 things to do with your wife and asked me to pick what I'd like. And I said I would like to do it together. Just cause I might like doesn't mean that he needs to do it.. ya only one walk together.. that was 3 yrs ago. Asked him to do a blog, he thought that was a great idea, yep he's only done one. I've quit it now. Just recently I read this statement that said when you are get married you have a box. That box is empty. The only way that you can get something out of it is if you put something in it. Me, obviously being dumb now looking back thought lets put notes in it saying what we want to do for others.. again he thought it was a great idea. Did it Once Again. And it had nothing to do with putting into our relationship but on him. I threw the box away. Then he tells me he'd rather email.. guess how many emails I've gotten ???????
So Ed and I are reunited. :(
I know it's easily to say that he should keep my secrets. But to do it in the way he did.. I know now that I can only trust myself. So I keep everything in.. ya not good.
But here this morning I actually will be running around in a bit. But just wanted to get on and explain how much he is affecting me. I'm not sure if this is just a toxic relationship and I should somehow try to get out. Problem is I have 3 children. Yes my oldest is with another relationship from hs, but my husb has said that he would make sure I didn't have my kids. He was drinking when he said it, but does that give him the right?!?! And I fear that I would lose them.
I guess in one way I've hurt myself for so long I can deal with another 14 yrs of it. But that's not what I want.
I know life is not a bed or roses but I'd like to be happy. The other night he hurt me because I went on a drive with him and said (it's my made up work) ish-a-ba and he tells me how much he hates it when I say that. Not in a good way but that I could not ever say it again. And the word is like in my head def. just plain non-sense. Like when your driving and that person cuts you off .. I say ishaba. Like wipe it off your shoulder move on to the more important things in life. Cause some ppl are really fucking rude:)
Thing is tho.. I think I can say whatever I want to say.. especially since it's not offensive. It's not a curse word and for that fact.. I don't care as long as you don't mean it in mean way. I know others don't agree with my opinion on curse words but I personally feel that if you are going to say ANY word in a purpose to hurt someone, then that's just as bad as Bitch, I don't like to say the C word, Damn, Shit, Asshole, Fuck. If you are saying it in a manner that your trying to hurt someone isn't that as bad as saying your an idiot??? You look like a whore or slut? The intent to me is what I believe is when it is a curse word. And you don't have to agree with me .. I'm just saying my opinion.
Back to the main point is my husband actually 3 yrs ago introduced me into an online group for ed. And that was from me saying that I needed him again. I just felt like we were not communicating. This group lead me to this (which he dislikes) .. It was everything I did he didn't like how it was going. I was going to dr. appt. to my therapist. I was asking others their diets to be able to do it on my own. Then he tells me how wrong it was me to be in contact with these ppl. Didn't help that about the time the site we chatted on went down, but even then..
I have asked him to go to counseling, which he did .. Once. He brought home this 100 things to do with your wife and asked me to pick what I'd like. And I said I would like to do it together. Just cause I might like doesn't mean that he needs to do it.. ya only one walk together.. that was 3 yrs ago. Asked him to do a blog, he thought that was a great idea, yep he's only done one. I've quit it now. Just recently I read this statement that said when you are get married you have a box. That box is empty. The only way that you can get something out of it is if you put something in it. Me, obviously being dumb now looking back thought lets put notes in it saying what we want to do for others.. again he thought it was a great idea. Did it Once Again. And it had nothing to do with putting into our relationship but on him. I threw the box away. Then he tells me he'd rather email.. guess how many emails I've gotten ???????
So Ed and I are reunited. :(
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