Unsure

I have been really struggling. So much is going on.. I'm really truly sad but it doesn't seem to stop people from wanting to tear me into pieces. All I can think is okay you've accomplished it .. you destroyed me now just move on! So tired of crying.

I envy those who are happy .. I mean obviously they are not always happy .. cause who can be .. it's not a possibility. Just isn't:) But to go thru a day without a constant battle going on.. It would be so heavenly.

I was really bothered today. I apologized to my mom for yelling at her. Which I don't apologize why I did, I apologize because of how I handle the situation. Of course she has nothing nice to say. Not sure why I keep bothering.. Insanity!!!! Then I'm upset and Tom has to voice his opinion on shit. And it's like really buddy like you were that great to me?!?! His whole thing now is that he's changed. a... ya .. lets see how long it lasts and then we'll talk. Cause it's been almost 10 yrs and it's just recently changed since well like January when I got really sick. Other then that he didn't give a freaking fly's ass.

Well it's getting pretty late. I best try to sleep. Get some type of rest anyways.

Not sure where I go from here tho. Time will tell.

Not Lying

Seriously I refuse to. I might not hold up to what I hope for myself but I'll be completely honest about it.. done hiding and trying to protect Ed.

After I went back home I haven't been able to pull myself out. I keep saying at night that tomorrow I will but then tomorrow comes and I feel overwhelmed and frustrated that I just can't seem to do it.

I feel Guilty. Hate saying that I'll do something and then turn out not doing it! I don't want to be a liar! And I don't know how or what to do. I'm trying slowly.. finally. I made myself have an ensure, so at least I got some nutritious.. and I don't feel guilty about that. I can drink things and feel okay about it.. but food.. Not okay right now! I need to get back where I was. I can feel the affect. I don't like it either.

Part of me of course is happy that I lost the weight but I hate myself all at the sametime! Guess I am being selfish. You bitch for saying that to me! (my mom).

I've tried SO hard to forgive her for things. But then she does it again and it's like WHY????? Why am I supposed to forgive this!? Time doesn't heal all wounds that's for sure.

At least with Tom I can be 100% honest. More then that.. probably TMI haha! But he's been good about it. Pacient and knowing that I can get back on track. He's letting me have my little fit. And I appreciate it!

I just don't want to end back up in the hospital.. I can't take away from my kids anymore. And yet I don't know what more to do:(

SELFISH!

So last second.. decided to fly back home. ugh

Got everything scheduled with my sister (after talking to her telling her it was becoming too much she took over.. which I LOVE HER for!!!!!) Got it so that we surprised my parents on us on our visit .. their bdays.. and their anny.. but ...

Ya BUT.

My mom and I went off on each other. One she got eye surgery. The dr. told me what to have her to do .. she didn't want to listen. Guess I don't know shit.. just like it was when I was there.. but whatever..

So we scream at each other... over nonsense. I didn't want to go there, but you start coming at me, my claws will come out!!!!!

TO tell me that I'm a selfish Bitch.. well I am a selfish Bitch.. I need to live! SO go screw yourself!

Then to think I have my husband behind meee... ya go figure..

we come home and he tells me to get over myself.. Thanks.. Thanks for having my back.

Guess I was wrong!!!!!!!
So here I am..  Stuck.. not knowing what to do .... howto change.. how to believe..