And just when I think I can get rid of you

For some reason I have always convinced myself that my relationship with Ed wasn't so intense as it was.  ... Well it's Big!! BIG!

It's more then a break up with a bf.. it's a marriage that I feel like I can't live without. And it's a definite Love/Hate relationship.

I want to feel good about myself and be able to tell everyone else how well I am, but the other part of me feels like the only part of me that will be accepted is if I act out with Ed. and we all know too well how ed feels on that one. OH yes.. he Loves It!! And part of me loves it as well.

I just don't understand myself. I allow myself right now to be dictated by the morning. If I wake up and I'm iffy.. well then it's a "Bad Day". NO changing it either. And then I'll somehow try to convince myself that it's just that day and I'll start all new the next and we'll be on the right track. Which lately my track is all over the place!

I do feel good tho when I do have a good day. Can't say I like the scale so much tho. I'm already 'overweight' in my mind so to continue to go on this strict meal plan to not lose any weight just discourages me even more and .. well then I tend to just drown in my own tears.

I just wished there was someone that I could truly relate to. Understanding that I have to put myself last because of my kids and husband but at the same time am almost selfish (cause I consider Ed as being selfish in my situation). It's just hard feeling completely alone but yet surrounded my many. I don't know how to handle it. :(

Something I Just Have to Do

I don't know where my life is going to take me. Because a yr ago if you would have told me I'd be in this position. Well my first response would definetly of been run like hell. Altho it would have just caught up to me anyways.

I always go back and think if I did this or that. I tend to live in the past a lot. Specially now. Specially weighing what I do. And I know it's just a number but that number is what I want. It's like I worked so hard to get it and it was just ripped out from under my feet. There's nothing I can do about it either.

Eventho I purged I can't do it like I had. I thought I had tricked my body, which I had a couple times, but it caught on real fast. too fast.

And the fact that the stupid medicine makes me hungry. You would think just stop with the meds then right?! The only problem then is the AutoImmune picks back up and then I do stand a high chance of not seeing my kids grow. That's the only reason why I care. I probably should care enough not to want to act out as well, but that just seems to be on a different level.

What annoys me is when ppl say I need to learn a different copying mechanism. I have looked and everything I read it's just like nope nope nope.. I mean I like to do things like go on walks or listen to music but that doesn't change my mind. Once my mind is set there's no changing it. That's what has to change and I have to figure that out.

So after weeks. Almost a month I am going to attept this again. My reasoning is that hopefully I'll lose weight again, but if I gain I know I'll panic. I just pray that I can. And I'm accepting that I won't be what I was but I just want to be at a comfortable weight. So it's not like a big deal, just a big enough deal to me. And maybe then I won't be crying so much.

I did it!

So I was finally was able to purge again. So who won?!?

ED does a damn good job or saying in my mind YA YOU DID IT!!!! WOohoO!:)
Finally! You've only just got to keep going.

It's crazy to say aloud but it's not crazy when it is how I've been the most part of my life. When I first purged here (I've had a couple back to back days) my reaction was like so frickin happy couldn't believe it.. I did it I finally did it again. I was in control again.

I don't know what to say. What I know is that not too long ago I was content with me. And now .. I'm all over the place. I can't see anything I like anymore. I want to, I remember what I liked about me and I think about that but then I see myself in a mirror or reflextion and it brings me back to reality .. that that's all gone.

They really mean it when it's said that it's like breaking up with someone. One moment your content and happy with how things are going and the next you so despreately need it back in your life.

I have so many thoughts going threw my head, and there's just so much going on in my life between obligations and appts that I don't know how to get it out. I want some ME time and it's the last thing that I can have right now.

It was kinda funny this last time I was out to LA to meet my transplant team. When I talked with my Social worker and then also my nutrionist my husband was like oh she does so good keeping track of this or that and blah blah. And I just smile and said ya it's my eating disorder. He's like no.. and both of them were like yes it is .. it's all about control.

I know I have major control issues. It's never enough I always need to do more. I can't even stand to write sometimes because I dont like the way it looks so then it has to get redone to get redone. Just simply annoying.

Tomorrow is a new day. I know that.. I say that. What does it mean tho ?! *shrug*

Because I have to keep track of my calories, protein and sodium I can easily get discouraged. And then the fact that I have to weigh myself every day. Actually that one probably isn't so bad because I would have done it anyhow Heh. So at least now I have permission. Ya I always find a way to make it okay even when I know it's not.

Just really wished I could be normal when it comes to food. It's either I am upset because of the # or I am because I'm restricting. (and not losing any weight that I've gain.. VERY Frustrating!) But even then my dr. would not be happy with me. They wouldn't be happy with me if I told them now but if they could see it .. ya .. Idk.. there's probably no difference. But Ed gets in there and is like well you haven't made a difference so really your okay. F&ck.

So here we go new day. I will lay my head down and hopefully in the morning I won't despise you so much. Can only hope.