Family

So I'm having issues... Go figure right:)

When don't I seem to have issues hah

So mainly right at this moment.. I miss my family. I miss being able to come home and see everyone. And now I can't do it and that alone just bothers me. It's not like every time I have gone back it was one thing or another that bothered me, but it was just something about my family.

I am not sure how to explain it. Things are said and it hurts and bothers me.. even over the phone.. but at this point I'm feeling I need to be closer to them. That I shouldn't have moved away.

I thought it was going to be a good thing to have the distance but now I don't know.

Shit IDK anything anymore. Every decision seems to be the wrong one :?

So...

Well, lately I've just been sad. I've been upset that I can't really act out. I have nothing. I'm alone.

I've been wanting to cry for some time now. I mean I have cried but I really just wanted to cry my eyes out. The only thing was, I wanted my husband to like hold me and tell me that everything would be okay and it would be alright. That didn't happen. :/

I have to go get blood work done tomorrow and I'm thinking of canceling it .. I don't know what I want to do. I know I don't want to eat today but I will have to. Stupid medicine!

Then I have my Dr. appt. next week and I'll end up being honest. Mainly because I'm stupid and I just fess up lately. I don't deny things or lie. Also because I don't want ppl lying to me so then I figure if I don't lie they won't. (don't ask me why I figure that.. wouldn't be able to give a good answer).

My Dr. as far as I know doesn't know of my ED. The Dr. that sent me to him I did tell the first one and he sent everything but whether or not they really listened to me when I said I had Ed for the last 18 yrs. now that's another case. So, I might have to come out about it all and I'm really not in the mood to look at someone and tell them that I'm messed up. That I fucked up.. that I am a fuck up. Just don't need it right now. Or really ever.

So well whatever. I'm still having to eat. I'm still gaining weigh. I really just hate myself and I'm not sure what to do about that. Everyone tells me that I'm a horrible mom because I don't fight harder for my kids because I would die. And that just sucks. Just keep telling me I am failing yep.. that's helping.

Oh well.. :(

In a hole

That's how I feel.. stuck in a hole.

Yay.. I gained weight.. so happy.. blah blah blah!

Right now I am just constantly tired and I don't want to eat, but I end up having to. (stupid meds!) And it's not like their helping that much.. guess they are keeping me alive or something like that.

I still can't purge. Or rather I've finally done so and it was the hardest I had to work and it sucked and I just didn't like it. Made me really sad to be honest. Doesn't mean I still haven't tried.. but I just give up on it. Which also bothers me because I failed.

Just if I could do one thing right. I was doing one thing right and it got taken .. ripped right away from me. And again now I'm a failure. Guess it's just what I am. Is what it is.

So here I am now, trying to figure out the next step. Which way to go and I'm really just torn. The one way I can guarantee I'll gain more weight but there's a chance I could really be happy. I could feel like 'me' again. It's just that way scares me to death. The other direction well leaves me where I am. Constantly having to go to the Dr. and hating every moment of it. But with that I look in the mirror and feel good. (not now but then) So I don't know where I'll go. If I'll go anywhere.