Ak!

Well, .. hah.. well..

I made it about 2 months not purging. And really not by choice. Ed was constantly there. Specially in the harder times. The worst part was that is if I could have I would have purged way before then, but I just couldn't do it. Not sure why, I've never had that problem before but things have changed. And to further go into that they still are different. I can't purge like I had and it's so frustrating.

So, tomorrow I'll go back onto my diet .. again. I just wished I could be like 'normal'. That it wouldn't matter what I ate or didn't eat and that it wouldn't affect my body so much either. That would be a nice change.

I get really pissy too with the whole food situation. It just makes me mad that again I lost control. I have no control over anything it feels. And once I get some control some way or another it gets ripped away from me. Which then just makes me feel like I failed in another way.

And I'm sick of ppl saying that I'm a like 'downer'. I shouldn't say ppl, I know who has and what not, but to say that I'm all dark and what not.. well sorry that I'm not going to play off that my world is wonderful. I can't stand when someone is such a hypocrite that they can complain about situations they are in but once I complain about mine I'm depressed and blah blah. Well, ya maybe I am, I don't know I haven't been diagnosed with that but seriously who are you to judge me??!! Just over that! I can be pissy if I frickin want to!!

Welp, tomorrow is going to be a fight. I know what's going to be going thru my head and what I truely need to do. It's hard to have that constant arguement throughout the day. I get tired and just plain exhausted from it. I want for it to be over.

At this point I look at ppl and I envy them. Not necessarily on their body but just that they seem happy with themselves no matter what shape size hair color short tall, they have something within them that I desperately am seeking.

Maybe some day?!

Out of Contol

So the past couple months have been crazy for me. One health wise.. not sure how much Ed has to deal with it but it's obvious that you would think he had something to do with it. And then just two the fact that I've had to change everything all around that it's making me go crazy!

It's been .. lemme count.. 44 days since I purged. Should be shouting from the mountain tops right??! It doesn't feel good tho.. not for me. I can't purge. I have no control over it. And I guess that's what frustrates me more then anything. I don't have the chose, I'm not the one making the chose, instead once again like most things it's been made for me and I'm just to oblige.

And to be okay with that.. well I'm not. I hate it.. I desperately hate it!

Then on top of it just to have ppl constantly ask about how I'm feeling and what I've found out from the doctors .. blah blah blah. I just don't care right now. Like stop asking!!! You didn't freakin care before why do you act like you do now??

Well, anyways, one thing that has been taking from me is what I can and well should not eat. Here when I was trying to do 'good' on my terms of eating well most of that food, I can't eat. Or shouldn't eat anyways, due to my medical reasoning. And the food that I'm allowed to eat just takes gross that I end up eating candy:) haha. Go figure, I limited my candy intake when I was trying to eat healthier, and now that I have to eat low sodium.. well what candy I eat doesn't have sodium so bottems up. Better then half the sh*t that I try to eat.

And it doesn't help that when I do try to stick to the plan of eating what I'm supposed to to keep all my levels or really get my levels to a place the doctors want I end up gaining more weight. And have more problems.. So why would I want to do that???

Idk I'm just pissie right now. Big time!

What I hate the most is that when I took on this responsibility to try and overcome Ed, I wanted it on my terms. I wanted to feel like I accomplished it. I did it. But now once again, just like it seems like everything else, some one some how or another is telling me and I'm forced into doing it their way. Just tired of not being able to have an opinion that is actually taken serious.

If that makes sense for some of you.. I know others will completely understand.