So this won't be so great of a blog.. might be triggering I'm not sure.
When I think of will power, I think how I can stay with Ed. Not how I can refuse to seek Ed. And when I mess up it's really frustrating.
To say the least I'm really frustrated.
I've lived my life a certain way for years.. years and years and years.. and here now I can't live that way. I can't get over that. I don't know how to. I am not sure how to take something that was such a part of my life and the way I lived and just be okay with it not being that way anymore.
It just annoys me .. more and more .. all I can think about is that if Tom would have let things be the way things were everything wouldn't be going the way they are. I would be living my life the way I had and I wouldn't have all these problems that are coming up. And yes, could I be wrong, probably, but it just amazes me that as soon as I let him talk me into it everything started coming about. Left and Right.. Spinning my head around and around. I'm lost!
There are just times that I wish I was better. I mean I'm now well still in the normal weight range but nothing even close to what I want to be. And I don't know how to get back to that cause I can't act out like I had. I try to eat 'healthy' but that only lasts so long and only gets me so far. I just feel like it's a losing battle.
Thought I was stronger then this:/
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Ed your pissing me off.. in more then one way!
So eventho I'm pretty sure I'll cont. to repeat myself. It's been really since July since I've been able to act out the way I want.
Which should be a good thing right?
Well my stupid mind takes it and twists it and says that it sucks because I didn't make the decision the decision was made for me and when it really comes down to it I would still be acting out if I could.
I really don't get it. That's the problem. I don't understand how one day I could go from being the way I was for 18 yrs to all of the sudden not being able to. And then to top it off, to gain as much weight as I have. Holy Shit! Seriously. I am not healthy and yet I'm gaining all this weight.. it's like COME ON ALREADY!!! GIVE ME A FRICKIN BREAK!
But that's not looking like it's going to happen anytime soon.
It's frustrating because I really should be happy that I can't act out right? I mean isn't that why I started this whole journey, was to become a better happier person with myself and not harm myself. Which instead all it's done is seem to make me more and more depressed and hating everything.
The part that is most frustrating is that I want to just turn back the clock. I want to go back to the way things were and how I was before I learned of my behavior. Before I spent money on Dr. and theraphy. I did at least feel happy then. Maybe it was just a disguse.. not sure but it definetly felt better then what I do now. Specially with all the medical problems. And for some reason I have convinced myself that if I wouldn't have gone down this road that everything in my body would have been fine and that I wouldn't be facing all that I am.
Well, tomorrow I go back to the 'eating low sodium diet'. Fun fun. I hate it. I just mainly hate the way it makes me feel afterwards. And the fact that I would be okay with certain foods (like drinking an ensure, but I can't do that.. too much sodium). I don't know.. if it's not one thing lately it's another.
Which should be a good thing right?
Well my stupid mind takes it and twists it and says that it sucks because I didn't make the decision the decision was made for me and when it really comes down to it I would still be acting out if I could.
I really don't get it. That's the problem. I don't understand how one day I could go from being the way I was for 18 yrs to all of the sudden not being able to. And then to top it off, to gain as much weight as I have. Holy Shit! Seriously. I am not healthy and yet I'm gaining all this weight.. it's like COME ON ALREADY!!! GIVE ME A FRICKIN BREAK!
But that's not looking like it's going to happen anytime soon.
It's frustrating because I really should be happy that I can't act out right? I mean isn't that why I started this whole journey, was to become a better happier person with myself and not harm myself. Which instead all it's done is seem to make me more and more depressed and hating everything.
The part that is most frustrating is that I want to just turn back the clock. I want to go back to the way things were and how I was before I learned of my behavior. Before I spent money on Dr. and theraphy. I did at least feel happy then. Maybe it was just a disguse.. not sure but it definetly felt better then what I do now. Specially with all the medical problems. And for some reason I have convinced myself that if I wouldn't have gone down this road that everything in my body would have been fine and that I wouldn't be facing all that I am.
Well, tomorrow I go back to the 'eating low sodium diet'. Fun fun. I hate it. I just mainly hate the way it makes me feel afterwards. And the fact that I would be okay with certain foods (like drinking an ensure, but I can't do that.. too much sodium). I don't know.. if it's not one thing lately it's another.
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