I've been wanting to write about this for quite some time now, but I just couldn't pull myself to do so. I still don't know how long this will take me but I am determined to get this out.
I was on that diet for my autoimmune disorder, and then basically after going back home in the summer and eating just regular food and not gaining any weight or having any problems I just sorta stopped with the diet. It was kinda nice again to go and eat normal meals and not be worried.
Then in October my life took an unexpected turn. It was Wednesday the 29th at 1:04 p.m. I was just finishing cooking some lunch and my rings. Now mind you it seems like it wouldn't matter if I was eating at 11 or noon or 1 in between or if I didn't have a chance until 2 some reason my husband ALWAYS called me :) and he would ask what are you doing. I would only have to say seriously.. we'd laugh and he'd let me go. Well, when I answered he said you need to call your sister. I sat for a second and thought what .. why are you telling me I need to call my sister so I said okay why. He said you just need to call her she called me you need to call her. So then I'm going why didn't she just call me then???? I asked him and he then said that my brother-in-law shot himself. I couldn't think .. I couldn't respond. Everything froze at that time. And Tom says Trina did you hear me I couldn't even respond right away he had to say my name again and I then ya okay .. I immediately started crying. I was trying to pull myself together in 30 seconds to be able to talk to her and it wasn't good. My hometown is small so he was air evac to a city there and my sister was getting everything ready to go up. After I got off the phone with her I called my brother to tell him that he needed to take my sister up to Rapid that she shouldn't drive. Not realizing that my brother was out of town trucking and had no idea about it. He was snippy at first. I think he thought I was losing it and was going crazy or something, so then I had to tell him. He and my b-i-l were really good friends. And here my brother is driving a truck and 6 hrs away. It just sucked giving him that news like that.
Basically that day all I did was cry and here it's a Wednesday luckily Brayd road the bus home, but I had to get Kyler and his friend from school and pick up the friends sister to take them to religion. In the meanwhile I have calls that need to be made for just normal things that I couldn't put off. In between that and trying to find out what was going on. Thinking when I was going to be flying back cause I needed to get home for them. My nephew called at 3:32 p.m. and said that his step father was brain dead.. there's nothing they could do....
I liked my brother-in-law. But I mainly liked him because my sister loved him. And he was there for my nephew. He was my nephews father. Cuz he didn't have a father. His biological dad is 100% loser. Not because of money and that, it's because of other big reasons. My b-i-l had 3 children from a previous marriage, and all were married the oldest has 4 children and the second has 2. They were a family. It just made it really confusing on why he would do this. And it always will because he didn't leave a note or anything.
Thursday my sister would call and I had no words to say. I still don't. I can only cry with her. I want to take her pain. I can deal with it.. she shouldn't have to. She's such a great person and is always there for me being strong that just let me have her pain. Wednesday that it happened and Thursday nights I together go about 2hrs of sleep. So on Friday when we flew back I crashed on the plane. When we were getting on it was so hard to not be crying. Also when we were landing .. the kids were happy to be home because love going back, I knew how it was going to be for me tho.
My oldest brother was in Afghanistan on deployment. And he was able to come home for good, that was a positive if you want to say that. I mean I love my brother but for my sister and what she'll be dealing with from now on, I know he would have been fine over there if that meant this all didn't happen. But I am glad he's home do not get me wrong. I'm just saying that he only had one more month and if my b-i-l was alive and then my brother would have been back .. I don't if I'm making sense now.
What I was trying to get at tho is my second oldest brother was picking us up from the airport. So here he meets us up top .. well he came behind me and grabbed my ribs which I thought was Tom and was about to yell at him:) Then we get down to baggage claim, and never anytime we've ever flow has all our bags came out first and were talking 5 bags.. So here's the deal. My sister-in-law had told me earlier that day that my other 2 brothers and my sister and my nephew would be there when we flew in. So I had msg my sister when we landed to see if she was still in town or back at the house. She said that they went home. Oh okay no biggie, we'll see ya in a couple hrs. So as we are walking out, out of no where this person grabs me from behind and I look up to see my one brother and Tom so then I'm going who the fuck has a hold of me. Well, it was another brother (guess i should go with names but I'm not going to go back thru and change now haha) so I hug him. Then I turn to see my nephew.. still not clicking then that that would mean my other brother and sister would be there as well.
It was a nice welcoming but also a very sad one. The only thing that I really liked is the fact that it showed how much we have each others back. How even tho we fight at times and get annoyed with each other we are truly there for each other.
Oh to back up a little bit. My b-i-l stayed on life support til that Friday because they donated his organs. That morning my sister called early. I was awake anyways cause i couldn't sleep. Well it was the first night since it all happened that she slept. And she woke up alone and realized it all .. we cried with no words. Then she goes what is today anyways? I didn't answer I wasn't about to, because it was my birthday and I already knew what was going on. Then she said oh Happy Birthday Trina I'm so sorry. I almost wished she didn't remember what day it was. The ironic part of it all was that the week before my husband said what do you want to do for your birthday. I said nothing I don't want anything I really just don't even want my birthday to come. My sister had had a dream a week before that her husband was leaving her, but when she woke up he was there so she just figured it was a nightmare ya know, nothing to it. I don't know what to think. For me did I not want my birthday to come because of what was about to happen. Did she have a dream because it happened, he left. Some ppl believe in those sort of things, and now I somewhat do as well.
Another funny part was that the rest of my family was down at the bar having a couple drinks and my sister and I were going to go, but then she said she didn't want to be around anyone and my family said they wouldn't be long, so I said I'd go for just a bit and then be back up to her house. Well my family trying to be nice, gets the band to sing happy birthday to me. The next morning cause my mom went home before I got there, well I can't even recall who said what, but it was brought up about someone getting sang to for the birthday, and my mom goes "who's birthday is it?" Seriously mom:) Hello!!! lol
But that Friday night I planned and had asked my sister to stay with her. It was going to be her first night back in her house and the last thing I wanted was for her to wake up alone. Now mind you we shared a bed for 11 1/2 yrs of my life before she left for college, and when she would come back there were still times we would share. Then I spent two different summers with her. So we were used to sleeping together. Might sound a little weird that two grow sisters are sleeping together but we close. In the morning she got up, I hardly slept so I was awake but just laying there. She went into the bathroom and I just heard her sobbing. I wanted to hug her to tell her it will be all okay. But there's no okay in this.
I could go on a lot about this. I am so mad at him. He took part of my sister with him because he was so incredibly selfish in that moment. I really hope that it was just a 10 second dumb decision. That if he would have stopped for just another few seconds he would have saw his wife, his children, his grandchildren, his sisters and brothers. His extended family.
My sister is my best friend. I used to be able to call her and bitch about Tom and she would have complaints about her husband, sometimes it would be identical to what each of them were doing, so we'd laugh. Now, well there's not a chance in hell that I will call her to complain about my husband. I still have him around. I can't do that anymore with her. And she was the one I could be honest with. Mainly because I knew no matter what she would always love me, might not like me at times but would always ALWAYS be there. I know she still will be there if i needed her .. it's just different now. Like when we were back home Tom road in to my sisters house with us to get another vehicle to take back to my parents and when he was getting out he just naturally kissed me .. I gave him this look of like what the fuck are you doing???? No! Like she just lost her husband lets rub it in.
So here's the thing. Since then. I have been a mess. I wasn't really all that great before it, but afterwards I am a hot mess. I'm trying to get passed this .. not the whole thing but this moment I'm in. Cause I feel back with Ed. The only difference now is I actually kinda hate it. Before I used to I guess like it. I didn't have a problem .. it's somewhat difficult to explain. When I wouldn't eat or if I did and purged the purging was easy. It is easy for the most part right now as well, but then it was just well I guess like I wasn't feeling. Now I'm feeling and I hate it.
I think I went back to Ed believing in some way that I wouldn't feel anymore. When all it has done is made me feel even worse. Ed used to make me feel strong almost confident and now I feel completely the opposite. I've noticed that when I pick up the kids I keep my head down or if I'm out in public I am always looking down.
I'll be stopping here after this, but I'm really hoping that this new year will bring something better. Just even if it's little. I would like hope again.
